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I'm shocked - it's over.

(25 Posts)
shakinstevenslovechild Tue 11-Mar-14 19:03:02

Dh and I have been together for 15 years, we have 4 dc together.

For a long time now we have been making each other miserable, he and I have turned into completely different people, we have nothing in common, except our dc, we don't talk, we never go anywhere, or do anything. A couple of things have happened recently where we have had a huge clash of opinions and it has just highlighted that we would never work.

We sat and had a talk today and have mutually decided it's over.

Although it's the right thing to do, I am devestated. I have been with him since I was 20 years old, he is all I have ever known.

He is staying in this house for another 2 or 3 months while he saves a deposit first then it will be just me and my children.

I have no idea why I am posting this, because I don't know how to feel anymore sad

mammadiggingdeep Tue 11-Mar-14 19:07:20

I'm sorry...even though its a mutual thing you're bound to feel sad.

Allow yourself to go through the process and ride the roller coaster of emotions that'll come your way.

Have you told anyone in rl?

flowers and hug

shakinstevenslovechild Tue 11-Mar-14 19:13:29

Thank you.

I haven't told anyone yet, I don't even know how to say the words yet sad

In some ways it's been coming for a while, in others it is a massive shock and I have no idea how to deal with it.

I've never been on my own before.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 11-Mar-14 19:58:08

Well, take a day at a time.

You won't be on your own for a few months yet. Use this time to 'practise'. Try to do a lot of house stuff/kids stuff alone. Also, detach from him over that time. If he can look after kids- start going out in the evenings...just for a cuppa at a friends.

Think about who you could tell in rl. It makes a difference. Don't forget you've got mumsnet- has got a lot of us through similar times

A day at a time is paramount! It was my motto.

shakinstevenslovechild Tue 11-Mar-14 20:24:57

Thank you for the advice thanks

I deal with most of the dc stuff myself anyway as he works silly hours and I work from home, but he does a lot of the housework, I'm a bit rubbish at being domestic so I'll have to start doing all that side of it.

I don't really have any family, and I'm quite new to the area down here so don't know many people yet, I think I haven't really tried too much because I had him, that sounds pathetic doesn't it?

I know in the long run this will make us both happier, this first while is going to be shit though, especially while we are in the limbo of him still living here.

I have no idea at all what I am going to tell our dc, do I tell them now while he is still here, or wait until he has a place to move to? How the hell do I even start a divorce, can you even get one for just falling out of love? There are so many questions and so much uncertainty at the minute it's so scary. I imagine most people in my position feel the same at this point though.

Sorry for rambling on.

lavenderhoney Tue 11-Mar-14 20:59:52

If its over and you are comfortable with that, and so it is he, you probably need to see a solicitor ASAP to find out what to do next. Many do free first appointments so book and go. Get all the finances and child contact worked out, and if you file for divorce it will probably be stress free unless you or he start to quibble. Could he move out sooner, it will be easier than him pushing off at the start of the summer holidays?

I assume the atmosphere will lighten now? Is he in a spare room? Or are you sleeping together still? That will be very hard.

If he is living nearby, will he be somewhere he can have the dc or does he expect contact in the family home and what about overnight?

Telling the dc- do it together and ensure they know its not about them and can see/ talk to him etc. you both still love them etc.

Is there no chance of reconciliation at all?

mammadiggingdeep Tue 11-Mar-14 21:01:35

Don't apologise!

How old are the dc? Maybe best to discuss it with them a d prepare them. Do they know you've had issues?

Ok- housework type stuff just deal with it little and often. The house won't be as tidy/clean probably but you'll get into a rythmn. Can you afford a cleaner- even for an hour a week to do floors etc?

Do you have good friends elsewhere? People you can chat to on the phone and maybe have come visit and stay once he's moved out?

Please keep in mind that you really will be ok. Hold in to that.

Logg1e Tue 11-Mar-14 21:15:11

I think you both sound very brave and honest people to have made such a difficult decision. Give yourself time to come to terms with it. Can you see these three months as a transition period for you too?

shakinstevenslovechild Tue 11-Mar-14 21:15:52

I don't think there will be any arguing over finances, we have always kept them as seperate as we can, which worked well for us, so that will continue, we will decide on child support when we see what his rent and bills are and work it out from there. We rent this house so I don't have that worry either.

He can't really move out sooner as he doesn't have a deposit for rent.

We haven't been sleeping together for a while now anyway, I have insomnia so I usually sit up and work all night.

We haven't really talked about our dc and contact, half of the problem is that he just isn't close to them and can't really cope with them all at once so I have no idea what will go on there. In all honesty I can't see them being too concerned, and in some ways it will be a relief for them that he is moving out as we have all been so miserable lately, which is a really sad state of affairs sad

I don't think either of us wants a reconcilation, it would be very easy to just get back into our old habits, but we just make each other unhappy so it would be pretty silly, and we have spent a long time trying to make it work, but it just hasn't.

I will give it a couple of weeks and see a solicitor (do I just look in the phone book and pick one? I have no idea) just to see what's what and how to go forward. I'm in no hurry to divorce, and I assume he won't be either so we can take our time with that side of it.

shakinstevenslovechild Tue 11-Mar-14 21:23:42

Our dc are 13, 9, 6 and 4, they know we have been unhappy lately, although we have tried to hide it from them as much as we can, they have picked up on more than I would have liked them to.

I don't think I could afford a cleaner just now, but I will use these next 2/3 months to just get into the habit of doing the housework, dh has always done it, he has always been a perfectionist, so I have never had to be, housework might be fun just lie and tell me it will be

I do have very good friends about 600 miles away, I might head up there with my dc in the summer actually. I almost don't think I've admitted it to myself yet though, it feels a bit surreal. It will be easier to accept when he has his own place I hope.

I haven't even considered that our dc will be staying with him sometimes, I have never been away from them.... oh God that will be a major hurdle for me sad how do people cope with shared custody?

lavenderhoney Tue 11-Mar-14 22:01:26

Slowly, just write questions down and anything you think of in a big pad and away from the dc!

What works for you and your dh might be an arrangement with the dc when he moves out which is more amicable than most or different for the children due to ages. One size does not fit all, divorces I mean.

See a solicitor anyway, and see what you get otherwise, ie reduced council tax as a single adult in a house with children etc. get organised financially whilst you can. I looked at local solicitors on the Internet and picked one near me that dealt with my type of divorce ( expat) do you have any divorced friends?

You can post on legal here in divorce/ separation and get good advice. It might help you with timing and how to go about it all, what to expect etc.

If your dc know you both aren't happy, it can only get better for them surely? Happier? Plus housework- get then roped in a bit, your plans for hols sound good. Your dh needs to think himself what contact he wants, will he take then away etc? Let him do that.

I think you and your dh show a lot of courage to call it a day, and not struggle on, if that's how you feel. Better now before it gets bitter, or affairs etc.

shakinstevenslovechild Tue 11-Mar-14 22:40:35

That's a good idea, I will start writing things down as I think of them.

I haven't got any divorced friends that I can talk to, they are all still happily married or didn't get married. There are a couple people I vaguely know who have been through a divorce, but I don't really know them well enough to talk to about this, posting in legal is a good idea, even if I just get a bit of an idea what to expect, although I'm not in a hurry it might be good to just get it over with asap.

We will have to sit and work out finances, we have always worked it that he pays for certain things and I pay for certain things so it's pretty equal, but I will need to work everything out alone now which will be a bit scary really.

I keep thinking if we had tried for another year or maybe even 6 months than we would have probably ended up hating each other, so it is better to do this now while we can still manage to be reasonable.

It sort of feels like we are splitting for no reason though, it might have been easier to accept if one of us did something awful or we hated each other rather than just falling out of love, that probably doesn't even make sense sad

Sorry I'm rambling again.

shakinstevenslovechild Tue 11-Mar-14 23:22:09

I just posted in legal, and someone posted a really useful link, but according to that I can't get a divorce for 2 years because neither of us has done anything unreasonable sad I can't stay married for 2 more years and then have to go through a divorce.

TheVictorian Tue 11-Mar-14 23:38:19

Op Sorry to hear that. If you have been together this long, what are the main reasons as to the break down of your marriage?

shakinstevenslovechild Tue 11-Mar-14 23:45:03

I can't pinpoint a particular reason really. I think we have simply fallen out of love with each other, it has probably happened over the course of the last year or two and it's becoming more evident as time goes on. We tried to make it work, but neither of us are happy any more.

I know it sounds like a rubbish reason, but we have tried so hard to make this work, but it isn't happening, we are more like housemates than husband and wife now.

TheVictorian Wed 12-Mar-14 00:03:43

Op That is not a rubbish reason, if im honest what you describe is similar to the breakdown of a relationship i had with an exgf.

Although we were together for 2 years it pretty much ended with us being more like friends (although their were arguments towards the end, but it was over petty things that just drove the relationship into the ground.)

looking back i wish we never split, trouble is shes now married and although i attempted to reconnect the friendship a few months back (we spoke together at a supermarket and lucky enough her dh was not with her), after meeting her at the supermarket and later on my attempts at building bridges soon got shot down (although i wonder who whispered in her ear about not having the friendship with me).

i reconnected with a close friend of hers that we both knew and still know, when we were together but she does not want to talk about my ex with me, which in someways i understand, but i would of thought she would of been a bit more understanding when i was trying to explain the situation with her.

Sorry to ramble.

shakinstevenslovechild Wed 12-Mar-14 00:24:41

This is the point we are at now, arguing over silly things all the time, and it is miserable, we have talked, many times, and tried to stop, but it just isn't happening, it's not anyones fault.

Ramble away grin that's what I'm doing at the moment.

SallyMcgally Wed 12-Mar-14 00:49:54

Not making each other happy isn't a rubbish reason at all. It's a really brave decision and it sounds as if it's the right one. But of course you feel scared. Take each day as it comes. You will cope just fine, and things will get easier. (Hope the AIBU thread didn't upset you? V silly and shortsighted views.)

shakinstevenslovechild Wed 12-Mar-14 01:00:15

I think that my 'falling out of love' was probably some of the inspiration for that horrible thread sad but I know we have really tried to make it work and it just isn't happening, it isn't the easy way out.

This is day 1 of a very long road now, hopefully it becomes less scary as time goes by. I also really hope that dh and I can remain friendly throughout this, it would be really awful if we fell out with each other, which is why it's the best thing to split now before things get even worse.

SallyMcgally Wed 12-Mar-14 01:06:44

It hardly ever is the 'easy way out.' The OP of the other thread has some really stupid views and is currently getting hammered. You've done your best, and it's really brave of you to recognise that. For what it's worth, my DH and his ex had a new burst of friendship once they agreed to separate and the pressure was off.

shakinstevenslovechild Wed 12-Mar-14 01:13:46

Thank you, I think that's what will happen with dh and I actually. The things that are making us unhappy now won't be there when he moves out so hopefully we can at least salvage a friendship.

Although that will be more difficult if he starts dating I suppose, I can't see a new girlfriend being happy with him having a friendship with his ex wife sad so maybe I am being a bit too simplistic.

I have gone from taking one day at a time to leaping right into the future now grin

SallyMcgally Wed 12-Mar-14 01:21:37

Don't worry about that now! But actually one of the things that made me really love DH is that he looked after his ex and children as best he absolutely could. And I get on ok with his ex as well. She can be funny and kind, and I can see why they got together. Any future partners just have to accept that you're part of each other's lives and you always will be.

shakinstevenslovechild Wed 12-Mar-14 01:29:16

That is really nice to hear, I hope if dh (if I can still call him that) does move on eventually in about 20 years he finds someone with the same attitude as you have, I think people who accept their partners ex, as you have, are few and far between though.

Hopefully that is a while off yet though, at least until we can seperate properly and make sure out dc are ok with everything, even though we aren't together any more the thought of him dating someone else is really, really bizarre to me, I'm not sure how I would feel about that.

lavenderhoney Wed 12-Mar-14 21:28:11

If you are amicable in your split, I don't see why you both shouldn't get on with other partners or make it work best for you both and the dc, even if its unconventional.

After all, you think each other are nice people, and want each other to be happy. Take it slowly but do everything properly and legally. Just in case. You don't want to be caught out.

Moanranger Thu 13-Mar-14 04:07:30

I am one year on from my split & soon to be legally divorced. If you want to consult a solicitor, post in legal with your location, and you should get a few suggestions. That's what I did, and mine is terrific.
Regarding grounds for divorce, you have a couple of options: you could get a legal separation &? Wait out the two years til you can divorce on those grounds; or you could divorce on unreasonable behaviour, if one or other of you will admit to it. Best to discuss with lawyer, as to what might constitute unreasonable behaviour in your circumstances.
I am divorcing on these grounds and I was surprised as to what the lawyer put down as grounds, but the courts accepted it.
If you split is amicable & you can hammer all the details out between yourselves, you could DIY it & save a lot of money.

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