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On the cusp of doing something really dumb...

(29 Posts)
dayzeroexploit Tue 11-Mar-14 18:37:14

But I think I want to.

Long Stories Short:
Me and DW are coming to the end of a very rocky patch, the rockiness wasn't of my making, but I stuck it out as two people solving a problem together is a bit easier than one alone.

Today, I got chatting to a young woman who is about to embark on a career path that I used to have, she was reading a book about it and I interjected about the niche nature of the career, the people who helped me and the Institutions I worked in, just anecdotal stuff.

She gave me her business card and asked for my contact details, I though at that moment it would be impolite to refuse and though nothing of it. I had mention to her that I'm now a SAHD and was on my way to do the school pickup and I also specificity mentioned DW's job.

So I walked away from that conversation thinking nothing of it, other than it was nice to have some interaction with someone outside of the School Gate conversations, and talking about a career that I was once very "into".

Within 20 minutes I got an sms from her, saying how much she enjoyed talking to me and would I like to go to a museum or gallery one lunchtime.

The only thought that went through my head as I read it was "Oh Shit! Oh Shit! Oh Shit", next though was "Fuck Yeh!", third though was back to "Oh Shit! Oh Shit! Oh Shit! WTF are you thinking man".

If I tell DW, she'll go nuts in her own quiet passive aggressive way. I have a little red devil on my shoulder going... "Go for it", partly in a tit-for-tat way (hence part of the rockiness), also in the sense that the attention of an attractive young woman buffs the ego. I also think, don't stoop so low.

Also it would be nice to spend time with someone who is interested in and has an opinion in contemporary art and culture. If it was a young man reading the book I would have said the same kind of stuff and I would jump at the chance to spend some time wandering the Tate, The ICA or Royal Academy - DW would ask me if he was gay, under those circumstances.

This is the road to hell isn't it

I think my answer now after writing all that is - Do nothing, delete the sms, never mention it and try to erase it from my memory.

caramelwaffle Tue 11-Mar-14 18:44:29

You're here to let people know you are starting an extra marital relationship?

oldgrandmama Tue 11-Mar-14 18:44:31

Wow! Sounds like 'Night at the Museum' meets 'Brief Encounter', to background music of Billie Holliday singing 'That Ole [little red] Devil Called Love'.

Up to you, OP. IF your post is for real, then your penultimate and last paragraphs are spot on.

caramelwaffle Tue 11-Mar-14 18:46:10

Yes, grandma

Really classy isn't it?

Catsmamma Tue 11-Mar-14 18:47:21

if you intend to create a dalliance with this protegé then at least have the manners to end your current relationship.

ready to give up your family or not?

Cringechilli Tue 11-Mar-14 18:51:59

Do you remember your marriage vows?

dayzeroexploit Tue 11-Mar-14 18:53:21

Thanks I had to get it out of my system, as there is no one I can talk to about this.

Deleted and done.

To butcher and paraphrase a sage quote "A fool and his family are easily parted". And yes I need to write out it out of me.

Thanks for listenng

MaryWestmacott Tue 11-Mar-14 19:07:03

Oh, you've already deleted, seems to be for the best.

Op, there's nothing wrong with being flattered that someone other than your dw finds you interesting and attractive, but doing anything about that, even attempting to arrange more time together would be dangerous, you might've able to pretend it was all innocent but you wouldn't want it to be, so even if nothing happened, you'd be in the affair mindset.

If you are 100% certain you will never be tempted to meet up with this woman one-to-one, then I don't think you need to tell your dw.

Hassled Tue 11-Mar-14 19:11:35

The ego boost of knowing someone else finds you interesting and attractive is a (nice) shock to the system. That was what your reaction to the text was.

But you've done the right thing, and I'm glad. Work on your marriage as hard as you can - and if it doesn't work out then you'll know you tried your hardest.

Jess03 Tue 11-Mar-14 19:11:45

It sounds to me like you were flattered as you have self esteem issues - time to rethink the sah role and go back to working? Nobody has to sah you know, you have options. Talk to your dw about what the underlying problems are, bit this silly piece of fluff.

MaryWestmacott Tue 11-Mar-14 19:11:46

Oh and "good, nice" people get tempted too, the trick is not to think it's ever acceptable to give in to flattery.

Just be careful your new ego boost doesn't lead to you strutting around the house like john travolta in Saturday night fever, your dw will smell a rat and unlikely to believe you turned down the offer... wink

dayzeroexploit Tue 11-Mar-14 19:23:08

Yes Once i read oldgrandmama phlegmatic take on what I'd written. And with the great Lady Day's voice ringing in my ears (good call... Billie Holiday is one of my all time favs) I did the right thing, I know its the right thing and I feel ok about doing the right thing.

I am now 100% certain... Thank you MaryWestmacott I knew it was the road to hell, but I needed that confirmation. If I was to chat about it to any of my "mates" there take would be "go for it". So I can't turn to them for righteous advice.

Dirtybadger Tue 11-Mar-14 23:10:34

If you want to leave your wife, leave your wife.

Don't leave her for someone who knowingly asks out married men on dates.

And don't go on a date with a woman who isn't your wife. Obviously.

RollerCola Tue 11-Mar-14 23:49:03

Really? Your mates would have told you to go for it? Nice mates.

Jess03 Wed 12-Mar-14 08:23:55

Yeah you need new mates, these ones are sabotaging your family...

AnyFucker Wed 12-Mar-14 08:38:16

Sort out your marriage and your life. You sound resentful and unfulfilled.
Or you will be tempted again by a "you deserve it" encounter.

And get new mates.

dayzeroexploit Wed 12-Mar-14 11:10:35

The mates that I would normally socialise with are either single and heavy drinkers or in LTR's and heavy drinkers and the ones in LTR have either cheated or talk about cheating, hence I distanced myself from them and as such have become increasingly isolated.

Yes, I have an amount of resentment for DW cheating on me and the family, and yesterday for a small period of time, my ego was buffed... but I went through all the consequences of what would have been a bad decision and I'm not going to take that path.

The "you deserve it" statement leaves me a little confused, is that something you assume I would say to DW? or something I would say to myself? Either way I can't actually see anything "deserving" in this. For a moment, my fucked up and fractured self esteem was raised above sea level.

And as to being unfulfilled, well, to be honest, I can make my own fulfilment, tomorrow I'm off to the Tate on my tod. If my DCs' can have imaginary friends I can have one too and talking aloud to it will keep any form of temptation firmly away.

BeforeAndAfter Wed 12-Mar-14 11:19:47

Personally I'd mention it to your wife. I would want to know. As long as you say it in a light, jokey way it's no bad thing to remind your DW that you've still got it. But it's all in the tone. If you can only tell her in a 'I can get my own back on you any time' way then keep schtum.

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 12-Mar-14 11:37:52

You sound sad, dayzero.

I would also suggest talking it over with your wife. Any chance you could go back into that career on a more casual basis? Sounds like you miss, er stimulation.

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 12-Mar-14 11:39:16

'You deserve it' here I think means that feeling of "I just want something nice for me sometimes, why not?"

whereisshe Wed 12-Mar-14 11:43:40

It's possible that the woman in question didn't want to get into your pants. She may actually have wanted to make a contact on a completely platonic level.

I speak as someone who spent her 20s being misunderstood in exactly this fashion by older blokes with single track minds. Now I mainly network with women or regularly mention my husband in a defensive fashion. The world is a sad place.

Cabrinha Wed 12-Mar-14 11:43:41

You don't sound like you love your wife at all. You've done the right thing because it is the right thing, not because you love her.
Fix you marriage, or leave it.
You're not coming to the end of a very rocky patch at all. You've weathered the storm, you're cruising away from the visible rocks behind you but I'm betting that calmer sea ahead has got some nasty sharp rocks just below the surface. Not the type to sink your boat in one go, so obvious that you grab your life jackets and get out safely - but enough to batter it piece by piece and leave you broken and sinking slowly.
Your posts are full of resentment.

AnyFucker Wed 12-Mar-14 12:47:23

"You deserve it" sentiments are often used by people who give themselves permission to play away.

For example, your wife cheated on you so maybe you could tell yourself it's your turn to have some extra marital ego stroking ? Or perhaps you could convince yourself that you are working your butt off as a SAHD and your DW doesn't appreciate you and that you are due some positive affirmation from someone ...

I am not saying you are thinking any of these things (in actual fact it looks like you are not) but that is what I meant. A convoluted way to justify and allow oneself to cross a line.

dayzeroexploit Wed 12-Mar-14 13:45:03

BeforeAndAfter I think in this case, let sleeping dogs lie. There is no way, even in the lightest of tone, would bringing up this, not cause issues of one variety or another.

I was surprised by the ricochet of thoughts and emotions that came out of the sms. As Anyfucker pointed out there are "lines" and for me this was very much looking at that line in the sand and thinking "Hmm! what should I do?". As well as, "What do I want to do?".

Well I made my choice, oldgrandmama put it so succinctly and made me laugh as well as making me see it for what it was... a touch of pomposity on my part and as whereisshe suggested, totally innocent - on her part. The surprise that an older man, knew something about the niche career she was reading about. Gave out some anecdotal advice about the kind of institutes she was interested in, and from personal experience explained how to make an impact in that career and how to protect your career from all the undergrads and postgrads, fighting to get that job. As well as how to get the most out of patronage of academic peers and mentors.

Now where did I leave that bucket of seething resentment, so I can pour it down a drain.

Deathwatchbeetle Wed 12-Mar-14 22:18:10

The rockiness not of your doing- did your wife cheat on you?

Two wrongs won't make a right. It just becomes sad and meaningless. You should both invest in your marriage if it means anything to you.

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