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Can you tell the difference between an 'I am totally faking it' working mum and an 'I am totally working my butt off"working mum?

(74 Posts)
Artemisia48 Tue 11-Mar-14 18:36:52

Well I can but maybe I am wrong and I need the mumsnetters to correct me? Not a very PC thread but then I welcome the usual 'no bullshit/no prisoners' approach on this website. In short I am appalled by my partners' ex wife calling herself a busy working mum of two teenagers in her posh mansion paid by her ex, toying with her homeopath 'career' raking up to £2000 a year (yes your read correctly) and re-reading Harry Potter for the 3rd time whilst demanding a full maintenance and a rip off settlement because she cant really be arsed to live in the real world - the one where you have objectives, bosses to answer to, commute, deadlines, sleepless nights over who is going to take Sam to the dentists tomorrow and also a real pay check which pays the bills. For me and my friends who have been juggling family and very real, 3 or 4D stressful professional lives for decades now this feels like a total usurpation of ID and an unbearable bluff. Do you know the ones I am talking about or do I need to reach for the Rescue Remedy spray and smile to the imposter?

TunipTheUnconquerable Tue 11-Mar-14 18:41:08

Don't worry, people know.

There's a Ben Elton novel with a banker's wife who has a nanny and mostly swans around all the time but describes herself as 'full time mother and part time charity worker'.

OTheHugeManatee Tue 11-Mar-14 18:41:21

Rescue Remedy and smile.

OTheHugeManatee Tue 11-Mar-14 18:43:21

Though when I was watching this year's Great British Sewing Bee and there was that woman who called herself 'yoga teacher, cup cake maker and children's entertainer' I did think that was code for 'doesn't need to work' grin

SirChenjin Tue 11-Mar-14 18:47:31

Rescue Remedy whilst sticking pins in her effigy.

Although, to be fair, she is raising 2 teenagers and we all know how hard that is - she obviously feels that they need her at home to cherish them properly, and that she would be doing them a disservice by putting them into childcare wink

Philoslothy Tue 11-Mar-14 18:52:06

I am a totally faking it mum, regardless of that, if I separated from husband I would expect him to financially support his children.

nickelbabe Tue 11-Mar-14 18:54:41

I don't know.
I was a working mum, in that I went to work and took dd with me and I didn't think.I was working because I did nothing.
now I actually do nothing and find it really hard to fit anything in.
I am still working, and doing two businesses now (mainly to try to pay off the loan, but still not really making any money!), but I can't get any structure in my life.

i don't know how I did it before. I'm exhausted and I spend most of ny days achieving nothing

bakingaddict Tue 11-Mar-14 18:56:14

Just dont give a shit.....comparing yourself to other people is an exercise in futility. Are you slightly resentful of her lifestyle. Surely you knew your partner had other obligations when you got with him.

Im sure there are mums who work a lot harder than me some much less but they can call it as they see fit. I am not personally going to run down other working women just because they dont fit my ideal of hard working

mammadiggingdeep Tue 11-Mar-14 18:58:11

I do know what you mean but over the years have realised that some people can't even tho they're not multi tasking for 19 hours of the day like some of us....they're reality is daunting for them.<she is reminded of her good friend with one four year old, stay at home mum, rich husband, cleaner...whose parents come over 3/4 days in a week to 'help'>

mammadiggingdeep Tue 11-Mar-14 18:58:44

* their reality...

MatryoshkaDoll Tue 11-Mar-14 18:59:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pregnantberry Tue 11-Mar-14 19:03:40

The lifestyle your DP's ex wife decides to lead shouldn't really make any difference to maintenance. Whether she is earning £2000 a year or £2million, living in a mansion or a shack, 20% of your DP's income is nothing compared to how much he would have to give up if she popped her clogs and he had to care for them full time.

Bogeyface Tue 11-Mar-14 19:12:07

You do realise that she will always be in your life as long as you are in his dont you?

Either accept that this is how it is and learn to live with it or split up with him. The seething resentment is utterly pointless and will poison your relationship.

Are you sure this isnt simple "his first wife is a bitch" jealousy?

Monetbyhimself Tue 11-Mar-14 19:19:30

Why the insecurities ? It's very sad that you care so mych about the Ex wife and are so bitter.
It doesn't matter if she's a millionaire or a pauper. Your partner has financial obligations to his children. What she choses to call herself really shiuldn't affect you.

Handywoman Tue 11-Mar-14 19:27:29

what MatryoshkaDoll said

educationforlife Tue 11-Mar-14 19:30:55

So you don't like your P's ex. So...?
No crime in that, but I fail to understand why we are discussing her or generalizing about women.confused

elfycat Tue 11-Mar-14 19:32:32

Rescue remedy and grit-teeth smile.

Maybe add Holly from the Bach range to it (you can combine up to 7 bach remedies - RR counts as 1 even though it contains 5). This is for a range of negative emotions, rage, bitterness, anger and even envy if Bogeyface's jealousy has a ring of truth. Turns the negativity into personal security in self.

<Pats woo kit of Bach remedies that's sitting next to me after my usual bedtime trauma with DDs. I'm downing Agrimony (for optimism) tonight>

SirChenjin Tue 11-Mar-14 20:27:33

You need a homeopath OP - do you know of one? grin

educationforlife Tue 11-Mar-14 20:52:12

found the perfect one:

SirChenjin Tue 11-Mar-14 20:54:14

And here's another wink

Poor Doreen

ThinkAboutItTomorrow Tue 11-Mar-14 21:11:39

I know exactly what you mean.

I wouldn't begrudge anyone their lifestyle if they have come by it fairly and are honest about it. It's not the lifestyle, it's the self identification as a 'busy working mum with 2 teenagers' that is the piss take. If she was recognising she has a lovely, easy life with relatively no pressure and that she is very fortunate in this I would see it as her life, none of my business, but it's when people play the busy card as a posturing thing I have no truck with it.

Even then, when the kids hit 18 and she leaves the marital home (mansion?) and the maintenance stops you've got to wonder what her plan is?

elfycat Tue 11-Mar-14 21:14:21


and then recommend a proprietary plan of Bach flower essences -a course of natural homeopathic remedies- from educationforlife's link.

Edward Bach was involved with the Homeopathic Hospital, and did come up with some of their stuff but his remedies ARE NOT homeopathy! (though still woo enough that some will not consider the difference enough to get excited about) I'm a qualifed Bach Practitoner and I find homeopathy a bit woo

ninah Tue 11-Mar-14 21:20:23

appalled? really?
what's a '4D professional life'? sounds amaaazing, where can I get one?

taratamara Tue 11-Mar-14 21:28:54

Did your ex do a runner and leave her to do most the bringing up of children on her own? not always easy. Maybe she tried to go back to work but her business isn't doing very well? Who knows, people all have different stress thresholds. Anyway, presumably you knew all this when you met your chap? Perhaps she gave up a career to bring up the kids?
If you don't like it you could break up with your man but you can't force her to give up her divorce settlement because it doesn't suit you confused

Artemisia48 Tue 11-Mar-14 21:29:49

Ahoy ahoy I hear you out and thanks a million for your feedback! All very interesting and funny too, bar the 'generalising about women', this is not my point at all really. And of course providing for your children is absolutely basic /normal, I am a divorced mum myself and I provide for my kids -just like their dad. I am talking about not being self sufficient (at least partly) but pretending to be (the 'faking it' which is most infuriating) when getting an actual job would be perfectly acceptable even with 2 children. So don't get me wrong it's not bitterness which is getting to me here, but her sheer lack of financial responsibility. As a result, my partner and I end up working like dogs to cover for her own inability to make a contribution. Now where has this Rescue Remedy bottle gone again? (Smile)

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