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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support. be confused about how I feel (OH related)

(11 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

SPGsAllCoveredInSnot Tue 11-Mar-14 11:43:17

Sorry this is long

My OH has never been there for me emotionally:

1) When we first got together we got pregnant. We decided on an abortion. After the procedure I went to waiting room but he was not there to pick me up. Apparently he fell asleep in bed. I was broken hearted but so in love and confused I decided to try and forgive him.

2) 10 years later and I want to get married. I ask him. He says yes. We spend the next 6 months arguing about it as he clearly does not want to marry me. I cancel the engagement and we carry on as before. My heart is broken.

3) Last year I became pregnant again. I am initially over the moon (its what I've wanted since the abortion) but begin to get Pre Natal Depression. He spends the entire 9 months going out and getting drunk. Smoking in front of me (I was a heavy smoker before pregnancy) and calling me names like "lunatic" when I was hormonal and going mad about him staying out, spending money, coming in pissed. He showed no emotional support and treated me like shit.

4) Now that baby is here, he is a hands on dad, but he is not there for me emotionally. We have a laugh together, like the same things, do (some) stuff together. But I just do not get that emotional support from him that I crave. We don't have a sexual relationship anymore.

So. Am I being unreasonable by staying with this man? Or am I expecting too much from a naturally unemotional man? I've been with him 15 years and have / had some wonderful times. But I can't seem to move on from all of the above.

Sorry if I sound confused. I am!

Thank you for reading - if you managed to get to the end of this post!

EverythingsDozy Tue 11-Mar-14 11:53:48

I don't know what to say, I just didn't want to read and not reply.
Have you tried posting this on the relationships thread? I have recently been unceremoniously dumped (!!) and the relationships threads have really helped me through.

Honestly, I think that your partner will always be like this. I don't think anything other than a swift LTB threat will help him get his arse in gear and see what a knob he's been!
He sounds strangely like my husband, and now he's left me, unfortunately not the other way around! And I know now that he will never be happy because he isn't going to change because he blamed all his issues on me.

I hope this all works out for you!!

Topseyt Tue 11-Mar-14 12:00:37

You don't sound compatible. He couldn't even be bothered to be there for you following the abortion, and was unsympathetic during your most recent pregnancy. The name calling and the smoking in front of you sound goady and disrespectful, if I am honest.

The omens are not good there. If he was going to change for you, he would have done it by now.

You might be better to consider your options, but I wish you luck.

Objection Tue 11-Mar-14 12:02:55

Post this on Relationships or ask it to be moved.
Lots of great advice to be had over there.

I agree with Topseyt completely, however.

daisy0chain Tue 11-Mar-14 12:03:22

OP do you want to stay or are you considering leaving?

SybilRamkin Tue 11-Mar-14 12:04:50

I have no idea why you stayed with this man for so long, or why you chose to have a baby with him. Kick him to the curb and move on.

I think you've already realised you're better off without this man, you just need the strength to ask him to leave. Have wine or [tea] or cake to fortify you and get rid!

Bon courage!

SPGsAllCoveredInSnot Tue 11-Mar-14 12:26:06

thank you for your replies.

I have outlined all the very worst bits in our relationship. He has apologised and acknowledged everything and I have recently witnessed him crying about it all.

I have done some bad things too (about 7 years ago I cheated on him, he forgave me straight away and has never brought it up again, not once).

I want to stay, I want it to work out. I do still love him deep down and for the most part he treats me well. We love doing stuff together, we have a campervan and when we go on trips we have the most amazing time, he treats me like royalty and we have such a laugh. I would miss him like crazy. I know he loves me but he just isn't able to show it in the way I would want.

I am just stuck between thinking I should leave him and desperately wanting it to work. If I was giving advice I would say LTB, but its so hard when you are in the situation yourself!! I feel slightly stupid for defending him now.

PS. how do you get the thread to change over to Relationships? Should I just copy and paste the OP?

daisy0chain Tue 11-Mar-14 12:36:22

Are you open to any form of counselling? It might help to speak openly about everything?

With regards to getting it moved over, report your OP and write a message asking for it to b

daisy0chain Tue 11-Mar-14 12:36:36

be move*

Sorry posted too soon.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Tue 11-Mar-14 14:10:34

From your first post OP I had absolutely no idea why you would want to be with this man other than some complicated emotional link brought about by the abortion.

The fact that you asked him to marry you and you then argued about it certainly didn't bode well.

Then you posted again, you actually love him and he does treat you well, so that confused me.

I think the major feelings I get from what you're saying is that you love him and want to live with him as he can be, rather than how he is i.e. you want him to change. Perhaps couples counselling would work, but really that would depend on his wish to change rather than yours.

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 12-Mar-14 11:45:55


We've moved this to Relationships now at the OP's request.

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