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Ex vehemently declares he does everything in children's interest but he won't support me and does everything to undermine me....how is that good for children

(13 Posts)
roddersb Tue 11-Mar-14 11:34:32

Ex left suddenly and without warning and was then discovered to have lied, cheated and used family money for everything but. I have never challenged his flit to another woman as I am happy for her to have him....god help her.....but his behaviour is intolerable and stresses me beyond belief. He left me, so why is he always angry with me? He lied and cheated so why does he insist on only texting for his safety because he can't trust me apparently. He pays csa but won't support anything else so car broke down and I couldn't pay for repair......no car means no work. Cost of children's bus to school extra 100 a month but he won't contribute.

Thoughts?

HorseyTwinkleToes Tue 11-Mar-14 11:39:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NollaigShona Tue 11-Mar-14 11:59:39

I suspect that he is angry with you because you don't want him back. Perhaps he thinks you should be devastated for the lack of him. He is possibly rejoicing in your struggles to cope alone. He doesn't seem to link your children's welfare with yours. I don't think he is a good father.

LavenderGreen14 Tue 11-Mar-14 12:15:07

I guess he is a controlling bully? If he is paying the CSA minimum then he presumes he doesn't owe you any more help? Not that that is morally right when you need more to support you.

There is nothing you can do to change his behaviour sadly - but good for you being happy you are rid of him.

bibliomania Tue 11-Mar-14 13:48:23

There's a lot of them about.

Now much you can do except keep contact to a minimum and abandon all expectations.

Qix Tue 11-Mar-14 16:44:34

Why should he contribute to your car repairs?

Re the kids busses - that's what the CSA money is for, surely?

bibliomania Tue 11-Mar-14 17:03:14

Just want to correct my post - I meant your contact with him, not reducing dc's contact with him.

roddersb Tue 11-Mar-14 21:04:42

He left me with a whacking great mortgage on a house that was mine when I left him and we took on a joint mortgage for extension because I was pregnant with our twins......also took on his debts. He and I both worked full time with good jobs....he a police officer and me a social worker. He was restrictive with his money whereas all mine went into house and children......I didn't ask him to pay for car repairs but to help out. Also, he cancelled family dog insurance when he left rather than us transferring it to me......he didn't tell me he had cancelled it and dog injured and hey presto 1500 bill....thank you father of my children.

roddersb Tue 11-Mar-14 21:09:54

Of course you are right.....he is a right royal bar steward......the reality is that I met him, fell in love hastily on the rebound and let him move into my house. We then got pregnant with twins and I put him in the mortgage. We have good jobs but had separate accounts and I never saw his bank statements in 12 years.....why? Because there was always an excuse and I was scared to challenge him (that is another story). He ears 35,000 and I earn 30,000 and all bills including mortgage came from my account and he paid me a sum per month.....between 500 and 700 a month with nothing extra. Turns out he had massive debts but with nothing to show for it.

starlight1234 Tue 11-Mar-14 21:12:51

Ok...As far as he is concerned he pays the CSA... so does his bit..

Fact he isn't going to help you financially with anything so save your pride and don't ask...

You need to work out how to deal with what is coming in without anymore input from him..

I would also say text contact is a good thing you have a writted record and he is more likely to be reasonable on text than phonecall.

roddersb Tue 11-Mar-14 21:32:45

I guess I still struggle to understand what exactly happened.....I was happily married (albeit blinkered).....he kept a hidden lifestyle which I discovered after he left.....betrayal, money being spent with nothing to show for it but never wanting to spend on family, house etc. he has never faced me since he left and we are a year over. He also refuses to give financial disclosure and blames me for judges decision to request it from him.

Bogeyface Wed 12-Mar-14 01:54:39

Money disappearing but nothing to show for it and he refuses to give a financial disclosure?

I smell a secret account. I rather suspect he has been squirreling money away for some time in order to finance this new life of his. I dont know if there are investigations that can be done but I would be asking your solicitor about it, and flagging up the suspicion that he may be hiding money. I wouldnt be at all surprised to find that he had transferred a large amount of money to his OW's account since the disclosure was ordered.

bobbywash Wed 12-Mar-14 08:15:30

Sorry snapshots like this are not fair for people to comment on unless you want a ringing endorsement of why he's a selfish bloke.

OK CSA maintenance, is what it says, the level that someone has to contribute once they leave (irrespective of gender) That is all he is required to pay by law, anything else is voluntary. There is no need for him to contribute to your car repairs, mortgage, or kids bus fares beyond the maintenance he pays.

If you have suspisions about accounts go to a lawyer and get full financial disclosure (which it seems you did). Some blokes are idiots, some women are the same. He's no worse than loads and probably better than some.

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