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I don't know if I like the person or just having some attention...

(13 Posts)
Jacquard Tue 11-Mar-14 01:23:56

I think I might have made a mistake, and I'm not sure what to do. I seem to have ended up sort of going out with somebody, and I feel a bit confused and lost about the whole thing.

I'm good friends with X, we met through a hobby, are in the same circle of friends from that hobby etc. It's also quite an intense hobby - I could go every night of the week if I wanted to, and most people do 4/5 nights, so we all see a lot of each other and know each other very well.

I've had a difficult time recently (unexpected family death (I'm quite a long way away from my family, but we're very close), having difficulty finding a new job, enormous workload in current job) and I've been struggling quite a bit, not sleeping well etc. and feel tired and lonely an awful lot. He's been very nice to me all the time, and he invited me over to watch a film the other night and I thought I couldn't stand sitting in on my own for another night, so I agreed to go.

Anyway, he asked how I was and I had a bit of a sob on him, and we ended up cuddling whilst watching the film. It was nice - my family are very cuddly, you can't watch the telly without somebody leaning against your legs, or putting their head in your lap etc., so it felt like being at home. Anyway, I was very tired, and sort of dozing and lolling against him and then he kissed me. I should have left then, or done a 'boundaries' talk, but I didn't. Being honest, having somebody holding me, and stroking my hair just felt so nice.

So I don't know what to do. I've been carrying on with it, but honestly I don't feel like he's anything more than a good friend. Is that horribly selfish?

I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I'm so grateful to him for being there for me, so it feels churlish to say I'd be just as happy without the kisses! And I do get on with him really well, I don't want to burn my boats completely. I sort of feel like I'm getting a lot out of it, so the odd kiss and a bit of flirting when I remember doesn't seem like a lot in exchange...

justmuddlingalong Tue 11-Mar-14 01:32:45

It wouldn't be fair on either of you to continue, by the sounds of it. You can't carry on like this just because you don't want to hurt his feelings. If he's a good friend who's worth his salt, he'll understand.

innisglas Tue 11-Mar-14 01:44:18

Agree with justmuddling. It's hard but it will only get harder the longer you leave it.
I sounds like you might be better off moving close to your family, you are so fortunate to have a loving family, but of course, I don't know your circumstances

Jacquard Tue 11-Mar-14 02:33:47

I wish I could innis. Unfortunately it's just not possible at the moment, I was hoping I could get a new job nearer, but sadly not. Still, at least I'm staying where I am so will have the same network of friends etc. And I'm ending up with nearly a two month gap, so will go back for at least part of that.

You're both right, I should speak to him now before it gets harder. None of our group of friends know. I don't know if they suspect anything but I would imagine not, there's been a few exciting things recently in the group, a new baby and an engagement in the past fortnight, so doubt anybody has noticed! I don't know if that will make it easier or harder... Hopefully we can just go back to being friends and put it behind us, or if not the group is big enough we can be a bit separate for a while if needs be.

Jacquard Wed 12-Mar-14 00:56:35

It's going to be a bit more difficult than I thought...

I haven't seen him today as he's working late.

However, I did tell my best friend about it all, and she said it's quite well known he's had a bit of a thing for me for ages, but thought I didn't feel the same way (he was absolutely correct there!) so just stayed as a friend. I'd honestly never even suspected he felt like that confused Well, up until the point he kissed me I suppose...

Do you think the best way to do it would be a "It's not you, it's me" type way? Saying that I didn't act how I normally would have done because I'm under a lot of pressure? That I just don't feel the same way about him and I don't want to carry on something that will end up hurting both of us when I know how I feel won't change?

justmuddlingalong Wed 12-Mar-14 01:01:07

You say he kissed you. Did you kiss him back/snog him? And is that as physical as it's gotten?

livingzuid Wed 12-Mar-14 01:05:47

Very sorry to hear of your bereavement sad

It's understandable that this all happened. For me, I would explain you can't get involved with anyone right now and want to remain good friends. You didn't mean for things to go as far as they have done.

There is also a small part of me that thinks he took advantage of you a bit given how vulnerable and emotional you were. I might be completely off the wall but he knew how upset you were and made a move? Tbh he also has to accept responsibility for this as well, knowing he tried it on when you weren't yourself.

Good luck. You sound very nice smile

Jacquard Wed 12-Mar-14 01:17:33

Yes, well, I pulled away the first time, then he kissed me again and I kissed him back. It might count as snogging, it wasn't energetic hands all over the place type though, like I say I was almost asleep!

Not really any more physical than that. That night there was cuddling and a couple of kisses/snogs and he was kissing the top of my head and down my neck. Since than we've held hands, and kisses on the cheek (but more intimate than a quick peck if that makes sense, and we never used to do that - I did with some friends, but not him).

Jacquard Wed 12-Mar-14 01:18:50

Oh, and when I say that night, I mean evening really - he walked me home and I went to bed (alone!).

Jacquard Wed 12-Mar-14 01:27:48

Thank you living.

I don't want to think that, because he has always been so nice, but on the the other hand I'm sure it wouldn't have happened if everything was more 'normal'.

Your second paragraph is just what I want to say.

justmuddlingalong Wed 12-Mar-14 01:27:52

As a PP has said, it sounds like he made his move when you we vulnerable. Don't do any more kissing or handholding if you would rather just be friends with him. That's sending the wrong message. Be honest and say that although you really like him you'd rather not take things further, ie have a relationship. Unless you want to. Don't give him false hope for the future either. I imagine the closeness you had was comforting at the time, but if you see him as just a good friend, don't spoil the friendship.

livingzuid Wed 12-Mar-14 09:41:55

I do think he took advantage of your situation. So he only has himself to blame for raising an expectation in his own head. Don't feel bad about it. Hope the talk goes well.

BeforeAndAfter Wed 12-Mar-14 12:17:27

I would use the it's not you it's me line. Maybe tell him that you're not in the right place for a relationship due to x, y, z. It's worth saying you're feeling vulnerable at the moment which means you don't feel it's the right time to make any big changes to your life.

I'm not sure if he took advantage but only you know that. Maybe he just felt a connection and read your snuggling into him as you wanting more. If a bloke was snuggling into me I'd think he wanted more.

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