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Wife wants children but I don't

(173 Posts)
hubster Mon 10-Mar-14 23:50:52

Really sorry for long post!

Hello. I'm 27 and my DW is 31. DW and I have been happily married for 6 years. We've always said from the start that we both wanted children, about 3 of them. We've been ttc for about 7 years now. Because I have almost non-existent sperm, we would have had to go down the IVF route.

We both have depression of varying degrees and it seems to run in my side of the family.

The last few months, my views on being a dad have gradually been changing. I hadn't said anything as I was hoping my feelings would change.

Last week we looked after my 8 mo nephew for a week. I disliked it after the second day and all it seems to have done is bring right into my awareness that I absolutely don't want children of my own any more. Don't get me wrong, I like children. My nephew we looked after is the smileyest, happiest little child who sleeps right through from 8 pm - 7 am.

So, I told DW the day before yesterday. She of course is devistated. She spent the night at a friends house. Yesterday, DW came home. We had a chat about it and I explaied why my reasons had changed etc., but that I still love her.

By wife doesn't want to split but also really wants a baby. I think we should split. Here's why:

Stay together - No baby
Wife resents me for denying her a baby. Every time she meets with her friends and sees them with their DC, she just gets angrier and bitter towards me. I feel guilty for not wanting to have a child. DW up leaving while she still has a good chance of having children.

Stay together - Baby
I resent DW for having child. I start to become more disconnected and depressed. I feel trapped and leave. Feel guilty which leads to worse depression, possibly OD'ing again (<- I don't want this but giving my past history it's a possibility.).

So, I love her very much and DW does me too. But I don't see this working out. Should I just knock things on the head now and giver her the chance to find someone who wants to have kids with her? After all, she has every right to be a mother if she wants to be. I'd rather end it amicably now than one/both of use ending up bitter and twisted down the line.

Any opinions would be much appreciated.


P.S. She is already blaming herself that if she had lost the weight sooner we could have a child from IVF already.

fideline Mon 10-Mar-14 23:56:34

I think you have laid out the dilemma very well.

How sure are you of your new feelings on the issue? Might you change your mind again?

temporarytangerine Mon 10-Mar-14 23:59:00

I think wanting/not wanting children is definitely a deal breaker in relationships and at her age you definitely need to make a decision sooner rather than later. You need to listen to your instincts and if children aren't part of your goal in life, you can't go along with it to please someone else. Good for you for being honest about your feelings, I am sure she is upset but at least you are giving her the opportunity to find a new partner who wants children while she has her fertility.

hubster Tue 11-Mar-14 00:00:38

I've told her that if I wans't sure of my feeling I wouldn't have told her. I am convinced of my change of mind and and looking to get a vivisection in the future.

hubster Tue 11-Mar-14 00:02:14

I think I'm going to have to make the ultimate decision as she really, really wants a child but also really, really doesn't want to lose me.

What tangerine said - an awful situation but your honesty now could prevent lots of future unhappiness.

fideline Tue 11-Mar-14 00:07:23

Vivisection? Hope not!

If you're sure though, then you're sure. She doesn't have decades to waste. Let her go as kindly as you can.

hubster Tue 11-Mar-14 00:12:02

Vasectomy* sorry.

hubster Tue 11-Mar-14 00:14:00

Any advice or tips on how to do that?

fideline Tue 11-Mar-14 00:14:14

I do feel for you OP. Very sad situation.

Jinsei Tue 11-Mar-14 00:16:36

What a sad situation! However, I think you're probably doing the right thing, OP.

Keepithidden Tue 11-Mar-14 00:17:08

If you're really sure then let her go and find someone who wants to give her children.

But, are you absolutely sure yourself? Depression seems to give a warped view of the world and could it be that you're concerned about how good a parent you'd be? Could you consider some form of therapy yourself to look into how you really feel about the prospect of becoming a father?

hubster Tue 11-Mar-14 00:17:44

Any tips on how to "Let her go as kindly as you can."? I've got to do it carefully due to our depression.

fideline Tue 11-Mar-14 00:18:22

X post.

At the moment she is saying she doesn't want to split? Is that right? Do you think that she thinks that you will relent?

springykyrie Tue 11-Mar-14 00:19:20

I wouldn't be surprised if the gruelling 7 years of ttc has an awful lot to do with why you just can't go on with it any more.

You have been very honest and decent about this, I'm sorry you're faced with such an agonising decision. I wish you both well.

hubster Tue 11-Mar-14 00:19:51

@Keepithidden I'm sure. 100%. At the moment, my depression is the best it's been in a few years so I think it's the best time to be thinking clearly about these things.

hubster Tue 11-Mar-14 00:22:20

@fideline Yes, she's saying she doesn't want to split. But I have made it clear, as gently as I can that i am 100% sure about not wanting children.

fideline Tue 11-Mar-14 00:22:40

Relate can help people split 'well'.

If she is clinging to hope but you are 100% sure, then it might be worth trying. I'm sure your DW is in shock and will need help to process things.

Keepithidden Tue 11-Mar-14 00:23:38

Fair do's then. You've laid the groundwork by putting your feelings about it all to her, that's more than most do at the end of a relationship. To be honest it sounds like you're a pretty empathetic person and seem to going about this the right way.

No advice on what to say exactly though I'm afraid. Hopefully someone else will come along to help with that.

hubster Tue 11-Mar-14 00:25:19

I've been trying to keep her friends in the loop so they can help to support her too. They are being very understanding and supportive of us both.

fideline Tue 11-Mar-14 00:27:37

I'm sure they will be a big help to her. You sound lovely. Try not to beat yourself up.

fideline Tue 11-Mar-14 00:31:40

Link to Relate

hubster Tue 11-Mar-14 00:35:09

Thanks for the link, I'm just looking at their site now.

fideline Tue 11-Mar-14 00:38:39

This section talks specifically about divorce and separation services. Hope it helps.

BOFtastic Tue 11-Mar-14 00:57:00

How about

3) Have Baby , fall utterly in love with your child and realise that you've been a self-obsessed idiot who had his priorities all wrong.


4) Have Baby , give it your best shot, but end up breaking up anyway, like 50% of marriages seem to, but there's a lovely new person in the world, and at least your wife realised her dearest wish without being thrown back into the uncertain world of online dating?

You could always couple your efforts with some decent medical intervention and a spot of counselling, to skew the odds in your favour.

There are actually several possibilities.

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