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husband looking for sex online

(80 Posts)
nancynancynoonoo Mon 10-Mar-14 22:49:52

Nc for this.

Dh had viruses on his laptop which I was helping him fix. I have checked his internet browsing history before and know he occasionally goes on porn sites. I usually check it after his laptop gets infected with viruses. This time i see he has been googling "I want to have sex in (our local town)" and checking cheater/affair websites, looking at local profiles on casual sex sites, and googling for sex workers contact details. We have been married five years and have 2 dc. We rarely have sex and haven't had penetrative sex in months. I work full time in a job I love, and dh stays at home with dc who are small.

I havent confronted him and I dont want to. I love him.

Wineoclocksomewhere Mon 10-Mar-14 22:56:27

What are you asking? I suspect you know it's hugely likely that many people on here will urge you to confront him? Are you saying you are happy for this to continue? Alongside the v strong suggestion that he is sexually active elsewhere?

AnyFucker Mon 10-Mar-14 22:57:30

What is it you want from Mumsnet ?

Joules68 Mon 10-Mar-14 22:59:24

Get yourself to the clinic ... And you might need to ask yourself who is coming to your house during the day

Sorry

AnyFucker Mon 10-Mar-14 23:00:47

I am sorry, love. If you are looking for just one person to say it's ok for you to pretend you are in a faithful marriage then perhaps you will get the odd one. It's not right though.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Mon 10-Mar-14 23:03:51

shock

If this is real, give your head a massive wobble and wake the fuck up!

He may have already met up with some one.

Get your self checked out and fuck him off!

BOFtastic Mon 10-Mar-14 23:07:21

I'm pretty sure that if you confront him, he will say it was just a "fantasy". That's what they usually say, from what I've read on these boards.

Flangeofmingetown Mon 10-Mar-14 23:13:06

Well you could co-parent and live in the same house but end the marriage. He can then get his grubby jollies and you can have a relationship with a new respectful person.

inthecloud Mon 10-Mar-14 23:13:08

Nancy - Just because he is looking doesn't mean he has actually acted it out. That said you should ask him what is going on and satisfy yourself one way or another.

Some of the advice on here is absolutely shocking and should be taken with a grain of salt

Flangeofmingetown Mon 10-Mar-14 23:16:42

inter this is a bit specific though- he is actively seeking possible local sexual encounters rather than knocking one out to random porn. It shows intent.

scornedwoman67 Tue 11-Mar-14 00:02:42

inter and of course he'll tell the truth .....like they do when caught.

Keepithidden Tue 11-Mar-14 00:12:28

So sorry to read your post Nancy.

One thing that struck me was your previous history of checking his browsing history. Does he know you do this/have done this in the past? If so, it seems odd that he wouldn't have tried to hide it by deleting it or private browsing.

I know this is clutching at straws and highly unlikely, but could it be an attempt by him to highlight how he's feeling about your lack of sex life, rather than a deliberate attempt to seek sex out elsewhere? I.e. he knew you'd look and set it up so you'd find it?

KinderBoris Tue 11-Mar-14 00:19:03

This isn't good is it, I'm really sorry to hear. Would you or have you considered looking outside the relationship as the sexual side of things obviously has it's problems for you both? If not, why not? Think about it. Why don't those reasons apply to him?

SueEllenShotJR Tue 11-Mar-14 01:50:43

Confrontation about his internet search history is one approach to this. You married a red-blooded man. For whatever reason currently his needs are not getting met at home. What would you like him to do? Have you discussed this with him?

hubster Tue 11-Mar-14 02:01:54

I think this is a problem you need to address now before it gets out of hand. As a DH myself, I'd say that he feels he is not attracted to you sexually any more OR you're not sexually attracted to him. Either way, you need to talk. Open and honest, even if it hurts.

Best of luck x

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 11-Mar-14 02:05:12

sueellen - and the op may be a red blooded woman not getting her needs met either - but she hasnt been searching the web for sex with strangers.

nancy - you have 2 choices. you either confront this now because its clearly become a problem or you bury it and ignore it and let him get on with seeking sex outside the marriage. Fwiw, if you were going to go for the latter, i would want it out in the open.

do you want intimacy with him?
what do you think has been been the cause of the lack of sex life between you both?
do you want it to change?
does he?

if so i would recommend counselling and possible sex therapy. Your gp or relate could advise.
its not as scary as it seems to get advice.....

hubster Tue 11-Mar-14 02:05:35

Also, as others have said, get yourself checked out. You are likely to get a clearer image of how far this has gone already when you get the results.

Also, you could check hospital bank / card statements against where his diary / schedule says he was.

Chloerose75 Tue 11-Mar-14 02:06:19

Does he try to initiate sex with you and show interest in bringing sex back into your relationship or not particularly?

SueEllenShotJR Tue 11-Mar-14 02:08:19

Why does OP need to get checked out if she's nit having penetrative sex sith her husband?

hubster Tue 11-Mar-14 02:36:04

@sue
This may have been going on before the last time they had sex. Better safe than sorry.

SueEllenShotJR Tue 11-Mar-14 06:46:16

@vica: I'm talking about the issues the OP has actually raised here. If the speculative scenario you describe is the case she has the option to raise that too.

@hubster: or maybe as a starting point she could talk to her husband before calling in the doctors and lawyers and counsellors?

SueEllenShotJR Tue 11-Mar-14 06:47:40

...and detectives and bankers

Kandypane Tue 11-Mar-14 06:47:52

Sueellen
What a crock of shit. Humans - men and women - are capable of controlling their "needs" you know. Nice subtle underhanded way of blaming the OP for his disturbing behaviour.

Shameful.

SueEllenShotJR Tue 11-Mar-14 06:59:59

Not blaming, but being realistic and practical. Communication is needed in this marriage.

Lazyjaney Tue 11-Mar-14 07:00:49

"We rarely have sex and haven't had penetrative sex in months"

Perish the thought......

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