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Did I do the right thing or did I just interfere?

(19 Posts)
InspirationFailed Mon 10-Mar-14 22:30:51

I was texting one of my sisters today, she's recently come out of a nasty relationship.

She's been chatting to some men on dating sites and has been chatting to one in particular. They have arranged a date and she was telling me about him. The more she told me, the more familiar he sounded, then she sent a photo and I recognised him. He's the brother of an old school friend of mine. I also know that he has been in a relationship for years.

So I told her, and sent her a screen shot of his Facebook page, it clearly says that he is in a relationship. She asked him and he confirmed it, and then gave her a load of crap about how he was going to finish with his partner, it was a dead relationship, he wanted to still meet my sister etc

I thought my sister would tell him to jog on, but she started saying things like 'his relationship is similar to the one ive just left' and 'he understands what it's like'

And I could just see where it was going, and it wasn't going to end well.

So I sent my old school friend a message, asking her if her brother was still in a relationship and she said he was. So I asked her to let him know I wanted him to stop texting my sister, not to contact her and that I would send the screen shots of his dating profile and messages that he had sent to my sister to his partner if he didn't back off. I also apologised to my school friend for going through her to pass on the message.

She was great about it, said she understood and that she would have a word, that their mom was unimpressed with him.

I haven't mentioned it to my sister. I just didn't want to see her get messed about, potentially hurt, especially as she is vulnerable at the moment and he is a good lucking, charming guy. Also I felt awful for his partner, I didn't want any part in that, I almost felt I would be condoning his actions if I said nothing.

Hopefully I've done the right thing?

tinyturtletim Mon 10-Mar-14 22:32:45

I would do the same.

Prepare for a mouthful off your sister though

vikkik888 Mon 10-Mar-14 22:36:15

I don't think you'll be very popular with the people involved, but I absolutely would've done the same if it were my sister being messed about.

Cabrinha Mon 10-Mar-14 22:46:29

I know you wanted to protect your sister, but you've just patronized her to within an inch of her life.
It sounds like she has made bad choices before, with the previous nasty relationship, but I'm not sure that your s ruins are going to be at all helpful in her learning why she made these mistakes and not doing so in future.
She may now start dating an identical sleaze, but one you don't conveniently have access to - and be less likely to listen to you.

I would go spare if my sister did that to me.
I don't think I want to say that as a criticism, even - just a fact. It must be terribly hard for you to sit back and watch a train wreck unfold.

But I wonder if talking to her more would have helped? Telling her the sister says it's bullshit about the bad marriage?

I think you should have talked to her more first, and if that was falling on deaf ears, be upfront that you were going to tell his sister he was cheating.

Cabrinha Mon 10-Mar-14 22:49:52

In fact, am I right that this has all unfolded in ONE day? It reads that way...
You have shown no faith in your sister to work this one through.
If she's recently come out of a nasty relationship, that may mean her self confidence is low?
In which case you charging in is not going to help her restore that.

Funnyfoot Mon 10-Mar-14 22:50:39

I actually wish you were my sister.

Your sister is still vulnerable and clearly not great with her relationship choices. I think you have done her a massive favour and I also think you should encourage her to spend a bit of time single. That way she will hopefully start liking herself a bit more and not date such twatish men in the future. grin

MrsMoon76 Mon 10-Mar-14 22:54:38

I think you did the right thing. Your sister will probably be raging at you though - but well done. What a sleaze.

InspirationFailed Mon 10-Mar-14 22:59:47

I don't think my sister will be to annoyed at me, well at least I hope not anyway. I was trying to protect her, I know I can't do that with every man she meets but this time I could, I think she would do the same if it was me. I'm going to give her a call tomorrow and tell her that I messaged his sister. I could just see the way it could unfold, her being the OW, his partner being hurt, my sister being hurt. He was telling her that he was going to finish with his girlfriend but that it would take time as she needed to be told gently, that the relationship was dead, all the cliches. I know it doesn't show much faith in my sister to have gone over her head (iyswim) but it's really hard to not fall into the trap of enjoying the compliments, having your confidence boosted, downplaying it and thinking it's harmless..... Which does sound patronising now I read it back.

Cabrinha Mon 10-Mar-14 23:07:40

I just think you've acted really quickly.
You could have talked to her about the fact this man / sleaze has chosen to deal with his unsuccessful marriage by joining a dating site. I mean - that's pretty clear cut arsehole behaviour.
Maybe got her to post on here to hear The Script for that kind of situation.
You know your sister better than any of us.
Hopefully she'll react with "what was I thinking?! Thanks sis! That showed him!"
But I think you've taken away a chance for her to practise making a good choice, and be proud of herself and feel more confidence in online dating for having done so.
There's a risk of her getting in deeper, but I think the balance there could have waited more than a day smile
I do applaud that you've given the shit his comeuppance though! I hope he shits himself that you'll tell!

drudgetrudy Mon 10-Mar-14 23:25:42

I think that you have overstepped the mark and I would call this interference. You could have just talked to your sister directly. I think she is likely to be very angry with you. I know he's bad news but you have treated her like a child. I hope she doesn't react too badly.

InspirationFailed Mon 10-Mar-14 23:51:06

We did talk about it (well mainly me saying he was a knob and her agreeing but continuing to message him) I didn't want it to be dragged out, made bigger than it was, I suppose I didn't want her to waste head room on it when she really needs her focus elsewhere (patronising again blush)

And I was angry at him, for trying to play my sister, for being a lying prick and being one of those idiots that I read about all the time on here, the kind that hurt people and don't even give it a though. Selfish knobbers.

SueEllenShotJR Tue 11-Mar-14 02:18:37

I understand but it was quite an intrusive way of going about things. It could have backfired but you know your sister better than anyone else here. Best wishes to her

differentnameforthis Tue 11-Mar-14 08:06:13

People don't learn unless they are allowed to make mistakes.

I think you overstepped.

InspirationFailed Tue 11-Mar-14 08:17:40

I tried to call her but she didn't answer, it is early though and she is probably getting ready for work. I know she feels the same way about men like this, we grew up with a cheating parent and she has always been quite vocal about her feelings regarding it. I was concerned that her judgement might be off though, her confidence is low at the moment, she's just started a course of anti depressants, become a single parent, I just wanted to save her the hassle.

anchories Tue 11-Mar-14 08:22:36

Trouble is, whatever you do, she is going to repeatedly get herself into scrapes. If it isnt this one, it will be another.

btw though, you are also going to get posters who will be horrified at this.
Some people like to make mistakes, even if it is the same ones, over and over again.

InspirationFailed Tue 11-Mar-14 08:28:46

I suppose, even if she is going to make the mistakes anyway, that at least I won't have to feel guilty about knowing of the woman the man is cheating on iyswim. I see photos of them pop up on my news feed, I would've hated to see that and know what her partner was up too.

WarmFuzzyFuture Tue 11-Mar-14 08:32:34

She won't tell you about future blokes now. I think you did overstep your remit OP. You should have allowed her to make her own decisions. She is a grown up too!

InspirationFailed Tue 11-Mar-14 10:26:42

I've spoken to her, luckily I'm not in the bad books! She was a bit gutted as they had been talking by phone and she had thought he was nice. He had told her he was going to finish with his partner and wanted a relationship with her - even though she hadn't met him yet! She thought it was quite funny that I had gone 'all big sister' on her and tried to look out for her, she did say though that she had told him she wasn't interested herself. His dating profile has changed, he's taken his photos off and changed a few details, she has blocked him though.

Funnyfoot Tue 11-Mar-14 17:15:00

I am pleased you sister didn't go mad at you. It sounds like you have a good relationship and friendship. grin

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