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Is he or is he not?

(53 Posts)
sugaryonthesurface Mon 10-Mar-14 20:27:34

I really really need some help. I am coming to the end of my tether and I think I know I should walk away or make a big stand but I feel like I am going to lose everything I have put my heart and soul into for ten years and I am scared.
How do you know that someone is an alcoholic? How do you measure this?
My partner goes to work every day, is a decent guy. He doesn't drink in the day ( I don't think but I don't trust him anymore) but every night he downs can after can. he tells me he can't not have a drink because he won't be able to sleep. If he hasn't got any cans he says he can't cope. He promised me he would cut down to a few days a week but he always finds an excuse why he NEEDS some ie the footballs on, he has had a busy day and so on... He has now started lying to me about it. I opened a drawer and found 15 stuffed down the back so I confronted the issue and said why did you hide them? He doesn't have an answer. My answer is because you know it is wrong.I said to him that I can support him with a problem but I can't deal with a liar. All I asked is that he doesn't lie to me and he doesn't hide it from me
So this has gone on and on. So I came to a ultimatum I told him that if he carries on like this I can't be with him anymore and he has to go. We have a child and over my dead body will he grow up around this, I am his mum I am his protector and I won't have it. Adding in the factor that I deserve better than a liar. He promised and lied continued but won't go if I ask him anyway and i have nowhere to take myself and my son without my son suffering. He is just in complete denial that it'll all be fine.
Now yesterday he promised me that he wouldn't drink today as a fresh start, I went upstairs and he has pre hid some beers and he is sat there drinking them. He doesn't know I know but I do. Do I confront him again? Do I ask him if he is drinking and see if he tells me?
What the hell am I going to do? Am I over reacting? What would you do?

EirikurNoromaour Mon 10-Mar-14 20:28:57

You have to kick him out, it's your only option. He's a lying alcoholic and he ain't going to stop because you asked him to.

sugaryonthesurface Mon 10-Mar-14 20:32:39

Its just so hard to compute in my head,why is he ruining everything?I have been so patient,offered him support.I feel like a mug now.

taratamara Mon 10-Mar-14 20:36:31

Get in touch with al-anon
They'll tell you that you didn't cause, can't cure, and can't control his drinking. It's an illness. Get support for yourself and move away from him. do you have dc?

sugaryonthesurface Mon 10-Mar-14 20:48:19

Yeah a two year old.I wont leave this house,he will be the one going,this is our home,ive poured my heart into this it is ny sons home and I have nowhere as stable as here for him.I am not going to lose everything for something that is not my fault.
So I confronted him.
I told him if this doesnt change tonight hes gone because this is not what our life will be.
I just battle myself in my head,you know when you go on and on and nothing works so you get to the point of being sick of caring?Well its now gone past that and out the other side again.Ive got noone to talk to.I dont want to tell anyone because its embarassing and I dont want family to think ill of him.How did this happen?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 10-Mar-14 21:15:07

why is he ruining everything?

Because he is an alcoholic, and drink is more important to him than any human relationships, be it to his wife or his child.

What the hell am I going to do?

Seek support from charities who are there to help family members of alcoholics, such as Al-Anon.
This is support for YOU, btw.
He will have to work out his own sources of help -- if he chooses to seek them -- under his own steam, in order for it to have any impact.

onetiredmummy Mon 10-Mar-14 21:24:17

I was married to an alcoholic sugary & nothing you say will make them change. You just go on & on making excuses for them & confronting them & hoping that their promises will come true. But they don't.

The only person who can stop him is himself & while the status quo continues he has no reason to change.

Get yourself prepared, make sure you have your own bank account & if you want see the CAB to see what happens to the house etc. Its easier to split if you are prepared a bit beforehand.

This is not your fault & you don't have to tolerate it. He's not ruining everything on purpose, its just that alcohol comes before you & your child, it comes before everything & it will unless he decides to stop.

I divorced my exH, he accepted he had a problem, did did detox, is not clean & a 100% better father. I don't regret leaving him even a tiny bit.

Also tell your family, the shame is not yours & you need their support.

beachside Mon 10-Mar-14 21:28:33

Is he violent when drunk?

Is he abusive? You don't mention anything about this, only that he's trying to conceal his addiction.

Aww fuck it, just leave him, he's not complying with your wishes. He needs to learn who's boss.

Flangeofmingetown Mon 10-Mar-14 21:42:51

He leaves until he has dealt with his addiction.

sugaryonthesurface Mon 10-Mar-14 21:45:37

Hes not violent no,he can get overly argumentative other nothing and doesnt think rationally about what hes saying.He can say hurtful things which oerhaps he wouldnt say if he was sober minded.
He did manage a week of not doing this and he said he felt calmer,less tired and to me he just seemed a happier nicer person.I like that person he is then.Its kind of like sapped some of his get up and go out of him.It hurts more that I cant plan a future and I want us to have a future,I dont want to leave him behind but I know its a likely thing.I know I am being too lenient and I would say to others what are you doing lady!!Applying it to yourself is the hardest thing.

sugaryonthesurface Mon 10-Mar-14 21:48:00

Flange yes,this is my thought.Would it be enough to say look go and hope that he thinks what am I doing with myself?I feel so mad at him but now Im sat here realising that I love him and I want all areas of his life to be good and good for us.

sugaryonthesurface Mon 10-Mar-14 21:51:31

Beach its not for my wishes.I know people whos parent have died due to this addiction.Its his health,he is hurting himself,he is risking his life.Its so much more than just being against what I want.

beachside Tue 11-Mar-14 21:43:00

Well, make sure you instigate a daily health routine for him, don't over do the weights, concentrate on the cardio work, fast walking, swimming, cycling - all good, then removing all trans fats and sugar from his diet, then consider moving out of a city so the air is cleaner and you can start growing all your veggies organically as thats far better for ones health too.

You should also consider whether the modern materials in your house, paints, solvents etc are damaging ones health as well.

Yoga and Pilates are also said to help reduce blood pressure.

Oh dear... honestly, I'm not goading OP, I'm trying to make a point - you don't like his drinking and want him to stop. But you didn't know why, then when asked, you cite his health issues.

Please ask yourself - is his health the only reason?

AnyFucker Tue 11-Mar-14 21:48:37

Beach I don't think we understand what you are trying to say

Are you saying that OP should overlook the fact that her husband is an alcoholic ?

TheFabulousIdiot Tue 11-Mar-14 21:51:32

I experienced this for many years with m ex. Fortunately no children.
When he started lying about alcohol it was pretty much a downward spiral. I should have left at least two years before I did.

Sorry.

Ultimatums only work if you follow them through.

TheFabulousIdiot Tue 11-Mar-14 21:53:53

My ex wasn't violent nor abusive. He was however belligerent, repetitive, embarrassing at public events, incoherent and driving daily while still under the influence.

There are many reasons apart from violence to leave an alcoholic.

Pagwatch Tue 11-Mar-14 21:54:15

I don't understand your point.

Are you trying to suggest that the OP citing health issues is somehow dishonest/disingenuous ?
Because equating having domestic products with solvents in with downing many cans of alcohol every night is tenuous at best.
So perhaps say what you mean.

foolonthehill Tue 11-Mar-14 21:59:02

he's lying to you...and he will be lying to himself too. Only when he hits a place where he can no longer lie to himself will he do anything about it, and even then he may fail.

As has been said before: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it: you can only protect yourself and your child from it's effect. your husband is ill, he is an addict and only he can help himself: if he does you can choose to help him or keep your distance, it is not an easy road to travel nor an easy choice....but he will risk your life, your son;s life, your livelihood, your home and anything else to fuel his addiction.

sorry op

Superworm Tue 11-Mar-14 22:10:57

I don't understand what you are say either beach

What I do know is alcoholics are boring at best and always destructive. I have two as parents, it doesn't get better. Leave for your DC they will thank you for it.

LovesPeace Tue 11-Mar-14 22:22:15

Beach - the reason is that alcohol clouds judgement, reduces inhibitions, as well as having a detrimental effect on health and lifespan.

Does the OP's partner have the autonomous right to drink himself to oblivion? Why yes, he does.

Does the OP have the right to expect a sober contribution to the parenting of the child, and a man who doesn't prioritise his addiction over his wife and child? Yes, she must.

HopeClearwater Tue 11-Mar-14 22:32:11

I don't know what Beach is trying to say, but it's not at all helpful.

Don't waste your time asking why he's an alcoholic because it won't help either of you, or your child. He just is. He is the only person who can stop drinking. You can't do it for him. Split from him now and get yourself and your child sorted and safe. His job is to deal with his alcoholism. That isn't your job. No one has ever stopped someone else drinking if that person wanted to keep drinking, not in the history of the world. That is what alcoholism or alcohol addiction, or whatever you wish to call it, means.

I'd also recommend Al Anon. OP I'm really glad to see you say that you know it's not your fault, because you're right, it isn't.

The lying is simply part of being an addict. Sad really, they are simply unable to see past the next drink.

Keep strong and focused for your own sanity and then you'll be better equipped mentally to do the best for your ds. Don't listen to any more pleading and crying and promises to change from the alcoholic, long term sobriety is all that matters. The very best of luck to you.

sugaryonthesurface Wed 12-Mar-14 18:21:46

Beach,why are you trying to make out that Im an being unreasonable?
So should I not care about his health?Should I ignore it unless he is violent?Its easy for you to pick at what I am explaining but there are many reasons why its not good.Im sure most people dont need me to list them all.Im not being selfish or arsey by wanting this to change,noone would want this for themselves,their partner or their family.Frankly Beach i feel as though you just took the piss out of my ask for help and what a strange comparison.What are you trying to say?

sugaryonthesurface Wed 12-Mar-14 18:27:21

Thanks so much for the kind replies it really means a lot that someone took the time to reply.Especially good to hear from people with experience of this,as sad as it is x

tribpot Wed 12-Mar-14 18:34:44

He is an alcoholic, without question. He also does not intend to stop. There is no logic to this, it simply is. That's the point about addiction but it is almost impossible to learn. You have to detach - you literally cannot help him with this problem.

Btw I also felt like I needed drink to be able to sleep. And indeed on the (rare) nights when I didn't drink I found it very difficult to get my brain to stop whirling round and round enough for me to sleep. So it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, until you just stop.

You are right to ask him to leave. His behaviour is not normal, even if it is not uncommon.

kitsmummy Wed 12-Mar-14 18:38:52

Ignore Beach, she is obviously just desperate for attention.

You need to leave him, he won't change whilst you're still there

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