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Pregnant and my partner has left me because I smoke

(116 Posts)
EllaJayne123 Mon 10-Mar-14 19:16:52

I don't want any judgement or nasty comments. I used to smoke 15 a day and since finding out I'm pregnant only smoke 1 a day. He's not been very supportive throughout the pregnancy and the only time he acknowledges I'm pregnant is when he tells me how bad I am smoking. I said I wanted to cut down to only half a day now bit he won't accept it. I've had depression and a horrible pregnancy as well as a stressful job and I cry all evening until I have that one cig. I no it's a horrible thing and I'm trying so hard. Got am inhaler spoke to my doc ect but I can't get out of it. Now he's told me today he's leaving me if I smoke and I don't know what to do. It's not te fact he doesn't want me to smoke it's more that he is so judgemental on it he forgets all the things I've stopped/started doing for the sake of this child and he's done fck all so far. Sorry if I sound like a whiney brat emotions are high tonight so cryin through this post! Thanks and please don't judge me I love my baby more than anything and desperately want to quit!

NoIamAngelaHernandez Mon 10-Mar-14 19:18:28

Sounds like you have made an excellent start, well done.

Is your relationship ok otherwise?

NurseyWursey Mon 10-Mar-14 19:19:47

If you've gone from 15 to 1 a day then your addiction is psychological and you CAN stop altogether. I wouldn't even bother going to half a day - what's the point?

I think what's more important is that you address your stress levels and what's making you cry. You can't rely on cigs to make you feel better.

By he's done 'fck all so far', what is it you want him to do, is there anything in particular you'd like him to change?

To be honest he's right for wanting you to stop, it's his baby too that you could be damaging.

knowledgeispower Mon 10-Mar-14 19:21:26

No judgement or nasty comments from me. Sounds like you need some support, not just in stopping smoking (as that's what you want to do) but in general.

You say your partner is judgemental, was he like this before the pregnancy?

LineRunner Mon 10-Mar-14 19:22:33

I'm not going to judge you on the smoking. It's an addiction, and tobacco companies have marketed their products at you since you were a child.

Do your best though to seek help at a smoking cessation clinic, through your GP. And well done on cutting down.

As for your relationship, well, that's not great is it? Do you get anything for you out of it? It sounds very stressful and draining.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Mon 10-Mar-14 19:23:57

Sounds like he's looking for excuses to be horrid

He and his drama will cause more damage than a ton of fags

Fuck him off

Flangeofmingetown Mon 10-Mar-14 19:24:19

Stop smoking- simple.

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 10-Mar-14 19:24:55

Does he smoke and drink Ella?

Innogen Mon 10-Mar-14 19:25:42

No judgement from me. My mother is a big smoker and she struggled to give up when pregnant with me. She even chain smoked on the way to the hospital whilst in labour, because she was beside herself with fear. As her child, I'm not angry. I understand that she wanted to stop but felt that she couldn't. My father understood this too - it was sad, but he knew that when he impregnated her.

I question why your DP chose to get a smoker pregnant, if he was so angry about this. Obviously giving up was going to be hard for you.

He doesn't sound very supportive or understanding of your needs. You are a person too, not just an incubator.

SchroSawMargeryDaw Mon 10-Mar-14 19:28:48

Bloody hell, some people really need to get the boot in, eh?

It sounds like he's not a very nice person in general, if he wants you to make changes then he has to as well.

Down to 1 a day is brilliant. If you could, instead of going down to half a day, why don't you try an e cig for that one that you normally have?

EyelinerQueen Mon 10-Mar-14 19:29:14

"I love my baby more than anything".

Just not enough to stop smoking eh OP?

I'd be pretty pissed off too if you were my partner. The thought of my growing baby being subjected to the poisonous toxins in cigarettes would probably make me irrationally angry.

gamerchick Mon 10-Mar-14 19:34:29

1 a day.. christ I'm not going to judge you for that and some people on this thread need to wind their necks in and piss off.

The stress your partner is putting you through is causing far more harm than one smoke.. you get more crap from drivers exhausts.

Let him leave if that's what he wants.. you'll probably be able to quit completely then.

tipsytrifle Mon 10-Mar-14 19:35:35

He's not been very supportive throughout the pregnancy and the only time he acknowledges I'm pregnant is when he tells me how bad I am smoking.

THAT is of urgent concern ... I think you should rant a bit more because there are some alarm bells ringing here.

Your control of smoking is awesome!! If you're down to one a day you might as well go for the rest ...

BUT I actually think there might be more emotional damage going on than you've revealed so far ...

Koothrapanties Mon 10-Mar-14 19:35:49

Well done for getting down to one a day. Is he genuinely worried about the effects of smoking on the baby or is he normally very critical of you? I can understand if he is worried because smoking any cigarettes at all is harmful to the baby, and it is his child too.

I struggled to stop smoking when I was pregnant so I got an e cigarette. I know it's not ideal, but it's better than actual smoking. I asked three doctors about it and they all said it was a much better option than real cigarettes.

I did read somewhere that the difference between having 9 cigarettes and 10 is pretty much nothing, but there is a massive difference between having none and having one. If you can stop altogether it would be fantastic.

Obviously emotions are running high and it can feel like everything is out of control and holding on to that last cigarette can make it feel like you have control over something. Well it did to me anyway. The e cig was a good replacement and helped me feel like my needs were still important if that makes any sense.

offside Mon 10-Mar-14 19:37:58

My DP wouldn't accept me smoking or drinking during my pregnancy and everyone in my life who smokes has made the unselfish effort to smoke outside or not at all when I'm around-not because I've asked them, I haven't, but they know that even second hand smoke isn't acceptable. This is just me.

I understand where your DP is coming from, as others have said, it's his flesh and blood too and he's helpless to the toxins that you are subjecting the baby too.

Having said that, I've never been addicted to anything to have to give it up and can't imagine how difficult it must be for you as well as all the other changes, emotionally and physically, you are going through. I hope things get better for you OP.

fideline Mon 10-Mar-14 19:38:04

"I question why your DP chose to get a smoker pregnant, if he was so angry about this."

This^

EllaJayne123 Mon 10-Mar-14 19:38:44

Thanks for the support. He is still drinking but he stopped smoking about a year ago and found it so easy he thinks it's the same for everyone. Was a surprise pregnancy so not planned and up until a couple of weeks ago wanted he begged me to have an abortion. As for all the people who are leaving nasty comments I assure you that I love my baby very much. And if you lived a life where you worked 12 hour days at min wage and came home to an unsupportive ass who expected everything on a plate and worried constantly about how your going to get by with a new born baby, putting buying bottles over maternity bras or clothes then I'm sure you would take comfort in one cig a day and wouldn't have such a stick up your ass to imply to someone that you do not know that I don't love my baby. Thanks again to all the lovely comments, had no support through this pregnancy and nice to have some. Have also bought an a cig so will keep trying that out smile

Ragwort Mon 10-Mar-14 19:38:48

Why the judgemental comments?

This man chose to have a baby with you, knowing that you smoked (and very well done for cutting down so drastically).

Do none of you ever have a drink, eat a little too much, not have your 5 a day fruit and veg, not exercise regularly etc etc etc? I can't believe everyone is so perfect hmm.

Your BF doesn't sound that nice, let him leave.

Funnyfoot Mon 10-Mar-14 19:39:21

I think that you are on the right track OP and as an ex smoker I know how hard it is. Ignore those that do stick the boot in, you won't quit any faster just because some smart arse on mumsnet tells you to.

Speak to your midwife and explain how much you have cut down by and what else you can do if there is any support she can offer.

I am inclined to think that your DP was simply looking for a way out and chose the smoking as his excuse. Concentrate on you and your baby and making sure you do all you can to keep her/him healthy and safe.

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 10-Mar-14 19:40:07

I don't think you need the added stress of being told it's wrong, you know it's wrong which is why you are down to one a day. Have you tried gum?

It sounds like he needs to be more supportive. I asked if he smoked and drank because that would be one way he could be supportive and not to have it round you as it almost gives you 'permission' to smoke.

How far are you in your pregnancy?

NurseyWursey Mon 10-Mar-14 19:40:11

Are people seriously suggesting that men shouldn't have children with women who smoke if they feel strongly about smoking whilst pregnant confused

Koothrapanties Mon 10-Mar-14 19:40:25

Oh and I completely understand what you are saying about everything you have given up and changed for the baby. I found that really hard. My whole body changed, and suddenly I had the responsibility of keeping another human alive. I couldn't just eat and drink what i wanted, I had to do so many things differently and it made me feel like I had lost ownership of my own body. Then to have your partner tell you what to do on top of that is awful.

CinnabarRed Mon 10-Mar-14 19:41:31

If it wasn't smoking he objected to, it would be something else. Wrong diet, not enough exercise, insufficient folic acid, lying on your front when you sleep....

NurseyWursey Mon 10-Mar-14 19:42:34

Ella it's obvious there's much bigger issues here than the cig and I'm sorry for being harsh at first, I didn't realise there was that much going on.

Should you be with him? It sounds like you shouldn't.

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 10-Mar-14 19:43:12

Just read your update, well done.

I gave up easily when I was pregnant as it made me sick, even the thought of it. I do know that it is an extremely hard habit to kick and to go from 15 to one is a very good start.

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