Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Aaarrgghh he's done it again..and who does he think he is?(95 Posts)
I have another thread about my stbxh letting our DC down on saturday but not sure how to link it, sorry. He's done it again today, cue our 3 yr old DD upset again and him making the excuse of not liking my tone of voice on the phone! All I did was ask when he'll be picking up the three big bags of stuff I'be been keeping for him while he moved into his new flat..which happened ten days ago. Apparently my tone was confrontational (it wasn't, I asked a reasonable question in a normal tone) and he's punished our babies for it! And blamed me!
He then text to say I need to 'do better' next time or he won't see them. I changed plans so he could see them today, I've been polite and amicable and done all I can to facilitate him seeing them and he decides my tone is wrong and I need to do better?! Who the fuck does he think he is?!
Aarrgghh..any advice? I got out of the emotionally and verbally adusive relationship to give me and DC a better, happy life. I've got my confidence back in leaps and bounds and feel so much stronger but he keeps dragging me down.
I'd send a text back saying something scathing like 'you're loss. It's my job to make them available for contact - if you don't turn up that's your issue and not mine.'
And then don't engage.
Put his stuff out by the bins and send a text saying 'your stuff is by the bins. Hope it's still there when you pick it up'
Thanks laurie..this is the kind of behaviour he used to 'punish' me when we were together. If I said something he didn't like, no matter how inocuous, while we were getting ready to go somewhere, he would cancel the plans or refuse to go which often meant I couldn't go either. I never thought he'd use it against our DC
Can't you try reverse psychology? 'Fantastic I will take them to X, Y or Z then we have been wanting to do that for ages. I hope you can see them next week they miss you...'
Nasty bastard. Don't change your behaviour just be the best mummy you can be.
Set dates and times court ordered if you haven't got them too. He doesn't show, he misses them.
Don't tell the kids when he is coming so they don't get upset.
Thanks magoria..I did end up taking them to mcdonalds but this is twice in three days he's let them down and I can't bear to see them disappointed, it makes my blood boil that he could be so calous. They're my absolute world, I honestly don't know how he sleeps at night.
I couldn't not tell them, we were on our way to meeting him in town and he phoned and asked for DD1, told her he was waiting for us with a surprise and he'd see us soon. Then when she gave the phone back to me he decided in an instant that my 'tone' was off and cancelled.
I would totally disengage. Send him a copy of a contact schedule. If he fails to show don't contact him. His loss. Don't tell the children when they are due to see him until he becomes reliable.
He will soon get the message and stop using the children (unless this is about him not actually being that bothered if he has a relationship with the children and trying to manipulate the situation so he can say to others you made it too difficult - if so it will soon become clear).
Put his stuff outside and tell him to collect it within 24 hours or you will dispose of it.
Change your phone/email and have a cheap pay as you go that you only switch on around contact time. Limit his access to you.
You need to limit their interactions on the phone and stop taking the children to him. His contact time, he collects.
Flange..thank you. He keeps saying things like 'I know you'll make it difficult for me to see DC'. I haven't. Or 'You'll probably be a bitch about contact'. I'm not. It's like he's wanting me to be so he can play the victim to his friends, confirm the opinion he's given them of me being a bitch, and say to himself he tried to keep in touch but I wouldn't allow it. So because I'm being good and amicable about it he's creating reasons why he can't see them that make me out to be awful.
And if I 'step out of line' (in his warped view) in how I speak to him or react to him, he threatens to take me to court. It doesn't seem to have occured to him I could do the same.
He is playing mind games. Like I said totally disengage. Email him a schedule and then have absolutely nothing to do with him bar the most minimal polite exchange in front of the children. Tell him if he wishes to communicate with you he can do it by email and but only with respect to contact.
If he tries to engage in other matters - walk away/close your front door. He may well not be too happy with you taking back the power so if he becomes rude then look at a relative collecting the children and returning them so you never have to see him.
Also tell him you are more than happy to go to court to formalise his contact as he should be doing half the work it takes to raise children.
Limit tel conversations. Use text or emails.
Set up a routine on when he can have the dcs (eg on Friday afternoon at 4.00pm after school) and just stick to it.
Don't engage or back down do he can see the dcs. He us using them against you and clearly has no interest in seeing them.
What has he planned re maintenance? To punish you with that too?
Thanks flange..that's what I was trying to do initially, I stopped taking his calls because he was verbally abusive so he'd text and ask to call and speak to DD1 which I couldn't refuse, then of course because she's only 3 and not big on conversation yet, it's handed back to me and I'm as polite and brief as possible.
I can't get him to fix on a particular visiting day either. He's being a dick on purpose, I know that. And can I actually just put his stuff outside if I ask him to take it and he doesn't?
He sounds like my XP. Utter wanker. There's really nothing you can do except refuse to engage. He might not ever acknowledge that he is in fact the problem, but at least it will be better for your blood pressure.
You're buying into his crap, and trying to defend yourself. His comments are laughable. His actions are disgraceful. Stop trying to be nice and 'good', this is someone who would rather punish you than see his own children.
As the others have said, completely disengage from this discussion. Set out a contact schedule, make them available, and leave the rest up to him. Simply do not defend yourself to him; he will paint himself as the victim whatever you do if it suits him/gets him sympathy.
Set up a specific e mail account which you only use to contact him. Start with the list of dates and times that suit you, and then ignore till he gets in touch. If he contacts you to be abusive, ignore. If he tries to call, hang up, text him the e mail address and remind that this is how to contact you, and then ignore any other texts, and screen calls.
Obviously, if it's easier, give him a number to text (consider getting a £10 PAYG mobile) rather than e mail address. For me, I always have my phone and iPad around, so e mail would be easier. Whatever works for you though.
You have escaped his control by leaving him, all he is trying to do is have the upper hand on you. And he's decided that this is more important than being a dad. Showing his true colours now, let him be hoist by his own petard!!!
All the best to you, be strong. The "man" is a prick and not worthy of your consideration.just concentrate on protecting the kids.
Lady..our DC are DD1 (3) and 16 month old twins and he won't have them on his own because he can't 'cope' so he either comes here to see them for a couple of hours or I take them to meet him in town for lunch. He hasn't sorted maintenance and says he'd rather buy them things than give me money.
I think you can refuse to let him speak to your DD. That might help a bit. I'm sure he'll find another way to be an arse though. Breathe.
Thanks all..tribot you're right, I told him this was shameful of him and yes, I am defending myself againas I had to do the majority of our relationship. He is probably loving having me on the hop, still running after him even though we're not together.
He can't cope?!?! Well then he either stops with his bullshit involvement of you during his access time (sheesh) or he has supervised contact at a contact centre.
Can't cope indeed. What a farking nerve. Spineless little turd. He will never learn to cope if he isn't made to just bloody well get on with it.
He sounds like he is obsessed with you and using the children.
Re child support- CSA. No more faffing.
He should be doing half the work. It's not your responsibility to do his share too.
Yep - you've given him a reaction. Which is all he actually cares about. So you need to work on denying him what he wants - it's better for you and has the side benefit that it will really, really piss him off.
He chooses not to see them on his own because then it forces you to be in his company, where he can needle you more effectively. You need to think of another strategy. Can he just see the 3-year-old? Can someone else supervise?
If he genuinely can't cope that's his problem to resolve, not yours. But of course it isn't true, it's just another stick to beat you with.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.