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8 years later..will the verbal abuse ever stop?

(27 Posts)
tinselhair Mon 10-Mar-14 14:14:32

I've posted about my verbally abusive ex before. He texted at the weekend to say he once again didn't have his maintenance money, the usual story of 'I'll pay it in during the week' which NEVER happens. I called him on his story, it didn't add up, then he followed up with abusive and threatening texts all day, and about 30 calls, which I didn't answer. Threatening to report me to ss for witholding contact (which I hadn't said I'd do). Telling me he'd rung them and was waiting a call back (it was Saturday so I doubt it), telling me he hoped I was struggling, did I only have a child to get a bit of cash off him?, telling me to f* of forever and if i got the csa onto him ''you're getting nothing,c***, followed by a string of texts saying 'c***'.

Regarding the csa route, despite telling me he earnt £900 the other week, and STILL not paying his maintenance, his response? 'Bring it on, no money goes through my bank account, you'll get nothing, hahaha'.

All his hatred against the world is directed at me, and I'm absolutely sick of it, I don't deserve it.

The next day a text saying sorry, he was angry. Could i turn on dd's phone so he could speak to her, as if nothing had happened.

I am so so so sick of this idiot. She sees him most Sundays, she goes off happily, and I know it's important for her to have a relationship with her Dad, but is there anything I can do to stop this abuse of me constantly?

A friend said recently she is surprised I let her see him when he is so vile to me, but it's two separate issues isn't it? I would be punishing her by stopping her relationship with her Dad even though he is endlessly hateful to me.

Maybe I should stop it, what do people think?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 10-Mar-14 14:22:50

Kind of him to give you written proof of a) the way he harasses you, and b) the way he hides the money he earns.

I'd say the police will be interested in a), and CSA in b).

Regarding contact with your daughter: do you think it is a greater positive, or a greater negative in her life?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 10-Mar-14 14:29:13

What do you want to teach your child about relationships here?.

This person is still being allowed to have power and control over you and by turn your child. He is using her to get back at you; such vindictive men truly stop and nothing and I would also state that he does not give a fig about your DD either.

Does your DD really need a relationship with such a man even though this person is her Dad?. She does not warrant such a poor role model in her life; you certainly do not want her thinking that all men act like her dad and end up finding someone like him for a partner herself.

The only way such awful men actually back down is to use the full force of the law and courts against them. Formalise all contact and stop letting yourself be walked over. The police too would be interested in the abusive text messages; he is committing a criminal offence by sending you those.

tinselhair Mon 10-Mar-14 14:30:36

I know, after reading advice on here I don't speak on the phone to him now, so deliberately have written evidence of his hate. Although he didn't text about his earnings, he said it, so he'd just deny that one.

Interesting question, I think, overall, for her, it is a positive knowing that she has her Dad who loves her, she seems happy to go with him but not sure if that is because of the endless 'stuff' she gets bought. She knows we don't get on, but I have always facilitated her relationship with him because I felt she needed to know her other parent does love her, for her self esteem as she grows up. Maybe I'm wrong?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 10-Mar-14 14:32:12

You're her parent and you're the best judge of that.

irrationalme Mon 10-Mar-14 14:37:57

I'd personally put him the hands of the police & CSA. You cannot reason with the unreasonable

tinselhair Mon 10-Mar-14 20:50:23

Yes Attila, I know he sees it all as a control thing, he becomes beside himself if he doesn't get his own way, and it seems more about a battle with me than actually seeing dd that day.

My dilemma is does she realise he is a poor role model when he is fine with her, just a total areshole towards me, which she only knows a fraction about?

Maybe I've got it the wrong way round and shouldn't be facilitating their relationship then? I certainly don't want her to end up with an abuser like her Dad.

I did put it on record with the police when he was abusive to me in my home in front of dd, but I got the impression the wpc was thinking why are you telling me this? I will contact them again about these latest texts, good idea.

tinselhair Tue 11-Mar-14 06:42:32

To summise, despite him being constantly verbally abuse to me, he is ok with dd. If I stop contact I think he will tell ss, and is me saying he keeps sending abusive texts to me a good enough reason? I do intend to log these with the police this morning by the way.

Superworm Tue 11-Mar-14 07:31:52

My sister had similar problems with her ex. The police advised her to keep the texts and start a log. The torrent of abuse was shock After a month the police went and spoke to him which put a stop to it.

You can't ignore this type of stuff. It's absolutely not on. Call 101 and get some advise. It's also really important to have logged it in case he escalates his behaviour, foes contact ss or decides he wants more access.

Seriously, you don't have to put up with it.

Ledkr Tue 11-Mar-14 07:41:42

Do you engage with him?
As soon as he is abusive you need to end communication immediately ,whether that be putting the phone down or not responding to his texts.
Also I agree, speak to the police and show them the texts and ask what can be done.
Can a relative do hand overs for your daughter?
Is she ok with such a Volatile man?

siblingrevelry Tue 11-Mar-14 07:46:29

I don't have knowledge of SS role in contact etc, but I can't imagine him reporting you is anything to worry about. At very worst they would just set out a plan for contact, which us no worse a situation than you are currently in.

I am always suspicious when people say 'but he clearly adores the children', as a reason for allowing their children to maintain contact with arsehole ex's. Part of being a good father and loving your children is being respectful to their mother, whether you're together or not. As us showing them a positive example of how adults behave with one another.

I'd think very hard about making things official re.maintenance, and limit or even stop contact for a while.

GhettoPrincess001 Tue 11-Mar-14 07:52:31

I realise anyone can call SS but does he have grounds to call them ? It seems he likes to go round and round with his threats and his verbal abuse.

IF he has contacted SS he better have legitimate concerns. If he has lied to social services to get their attention, he will be in big trouble.

Go ahead and contact the police with details of what's been happening. Do you really want to live with this level of pointless more or less juvenile abuse until you daughter is 18 ? Or even longer than that ?

It's not talking, it's point scoring so he can feel better about himself.

Funnyfoot Tue 11-Mar-14 08:00:57

Hi OP

After 8 years this has to stop.

You need to take the power back and it is not as difficult in this situation as you may think.

Firstly change your telephone number and DO NOT give him the new one.
Give him the telephone number of a close male relative if possible if not any close relative, who he can contact if there is an emergency with DD while she is in his care, they in turn can contact you. If he needs to change arrangements he can contact DD directly and explain it to her.
You will also need to explain to your DD that your number is private and she is not to give it to her father under any circumstances.

This eliminates the opportunity to verbally abuse you on the phone and via text.

When he collects/drops DD change the collection point to a neutral place such as a relatives/friends house or in a public place like a café or shopping centre.
Again this eliminates the opportunity for him to abuse you.

Contact the CSA and let them deal with him. That's why they are there.

YOU need to take control of this situation and YOU need to be the one who is making the rules.

Also any man who willingly will not contribute financially to their child's upbringing is NOT a good father who loves his child. He would rather she went without so he could be spiteful towards you. I would reconsider how important contact is tbh.

melb14 Tue 11-Mar-14 08:32:08

You're having a truly hideous time, and I think you're working really hard to be fair, to be reasoned in the face of unreasonableness, and to absolutely put your DD at the top of your list. He's not doing this and is a prima facie example of abusive - full stop. What he's doing is now illegal - as of this week. Not just not nice - actually illegal. I agree with Funnyfoot - he's withholding money and using your DD as a pawn to get at you. That's not the same as loving your daughter. That's using her. I think you've done everything you can; and perhaps might get a lot from actually talking to someone at eg WomensAid (you may have already done this, so apologies!) to get some support from someone you can chat to. Your obvious priority is your daughter, and you are also sounding good and strong in your belief that this is about him, not you, and you don't deserve this. I would go for neutral drop off; cutting off your contact with him as much as you can; reporting the abuse to the police; reporting the money issue to the CSA/police; having a talk to your daughter (you don;t say how old she is?) to explain what you're doing as far as reasonable (she may well be picking up more than you realise, and it's also difficult to know what he's saying to her when she's with him) but take some advice on this so that this tricky area of explaining very complex adult relationship issues to a child is manageable.

Bottom line: do what you need to do to be safe and secure and in control of your and your DD's life. He's lost his right to be involved in either.

Thinking of you! You sound awesome. smile

bibliomania Tue 11-Mar-14 10:14:40

Just to sound a note of caution about putting too much faith in the CSA - they seem to work okay in easy cases, but they're not great when it comes to reluctant payers who can conceal earnings. I haven't seen a penny so far.

I'm NOT saying you should just suck it up in the interests of getting them money, I'm just saying that if you go down this route, do it with your eyes open and expect you may end up out-of-pocket (you might decide it's worth it).

tinselhair Tue 11-Mar-14 13:02:17

Thank you so much for replying everyone, I feel so alone with this problem so you have really helped.

I have phoned the police this morning and have an appointment to see them tomorrow.

I have blocked his number from my phone. I can still see when he rings and read his texts if I chose to. The latest one saying he will tell dd that I am stopping her from seeing him. Obviously his hideous behaviour is doing that so I'm not falling for that one.

I have tried the csa route before, and I know it will not work. He works for cash, nothing really goes through his bank, as he has gloated to me many times. Yes you would think a loving father would be glad to contribute towards his daughter's life, but I know he is totally using the pissing about with the maintenance to annoy me, hence when I called him on it at the weekend his anger exploded. He will pay off any debt he has before he contributes towards her, and tell me about it. Always last on his list. He refused to contribute towards her school holidays, and said he hopes I struggle.

Thanks for the suggestion to call womens aid, I'm sure they'd have some insight into how to handle this, I will do that.

I haven't got any relatives close by. but I'm now considering leaving her with a neighbour just before he picks her up so I don't even have to see him. I just hate getting other people involved.

He has no grounds for calling ss at all, he is just trying to bully me. There was an incident last year regarding his then gf and her ds and dd, I contacted ss, it was potentially serious, and the social worker said he could take her where ever he wanted to and I had no right to object, which was unbelievable given the circumstances at that time, but he seems to think now that they are 'on his side' and will instruct me to do as he wishes.

I despise him.

Qix Tue 11-Mar-14 14:23:44

I think you are doing great by facilitating a relationship that your DD finds to be positive. I think from what you said it would hurt her to stop seeing him. However, going to the police about his treatment of you is a great idea, as is doing what you can to minimise contact with him.

Can you buy a cheap PAYG phone and just use it for him, then you can put it away in a drawer and forget about it between times?

melb14 Tue 11-Mar-14 14:26:30

Your despising his behaviour is the best indicator of your sanity, and strength of character. One day he may even learn to despise it, too. In the meantime, power to your elbow, as a fab woman, and a fab mum. He needs you to dump on and you don't need him at all. That gives you the power you need to extract him from your life. smile Good luck with your phone calls; we're with you! smile

tinselhair Tue 11-Mar-14 14:35:30

Thank you so much Qix and melb14 for your comments!

tiredandsadmum Tue 11-Mar-14 14:37:27

In a strange way you are lucky that he cannot control his temper so writes those things. You do then have evidence. My ex is more subtle so I get very controlling abuse that may seem reasonable on the surface. Like you I ponder contact and the damage done to our DC. I have never stopped contact but I really loathe the value set that DC is picking up. I don't really know what the solution is.

fromparistoberlin73 Tue 11-Mar-14 14:45:05

some great advice here OP

you do not have to be at his beck and call, and there are things you can do to eliminate his affect on you.

some great ideas so pick one that works for you

one question, how much do you need his money? I ask as you asking him for �� gives him a power. In simple terms : if you cannot easily enforce him to pay, and if when you ask him for � he abuses you... you might be better off not relying on him for anything

I am not advocating you release him of his responsibilities, but the simple fact is when you ask him it does not generate a results, and in fact it opens the floodgates!

whatever you do MINIMNISE contact, keep a diary and good luck

he sounds like a complete cxxt and karam is a bitch I say xx

farmersmarket Tue 11-Mar-14 15:04:14

I have had the same experience: DV, 8 years of verbal abuse, threats, nastiness etc. and cut contact.
we are now going through a contested contact case which is hell.
however I would not be so afraid of the court as (as for me) they will probably make a defined contact order which is actually really helpful to contain a b??????d like this. You can't stop him seeing his child but it will limit and define when. where, how. and then you can just minimise him. so end result not bad…. so don't be afraid to take the actions suggested above or be afraid of the court process as it could improve things for you.
best of luck x

GhettoPrincess001 Wed 12-Mar-14 07:08:24

Tinselhair - I realise you despise him and for good reason too.

If he thinks he's got SS on his side, he might just have another think coming in the future. If he really thinks that, then he's the prat (and worse) that you think he is.

Sorry he's so poisonous.

tinselhair Wed 12-Mar-14 09:21:51

Yes he is stupid enough to put all this abuse in writing, I nearly told him the other day that I'm going to take great delight in showing all these texts to dd when she's old enough and she can see what sort of a 'man' he really is, but of course I wouldn't do that to her.

Unfortunately I do need his money, it's not much but makes a big difference, the amount hasn't changed in 8 years. When he was living with his ex he paid me regularly, and I know it was because I knew his address and she didn't want the csa at her door. Now they've split up and he has been pissing me about with it since the day they parted.

I really don't think he would take me to court, he won't spend or have the money, and he can't be bothered. It's not that I want to stop the relationship with dd and him, he makes minimal effort, one day a week, and that suits me really, I love being with her. I just want to stop his abuse of me. It's stressing me out so much.

Thank you for all your supportive messages and sorry so many of you have been through this too.

Charley50 Wed 12-Mar-14 09:49:37

Hi OP sorry haven't got time to say much or give advice but just wanted to say I have been/go through similar with my ex and that I feel for you, especially with the conflicting feelings about wanting to maintain contact between ex and DD whilst knowing that his behaviour is so cuntish.

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