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Can you mend broken trust?

(24 Posts)
Fragglewump Mon 10-Mar-14 13:36:33

I have another thread which is discussing the politics of lap dancing but now need to know. Can trust be rebuilt if one partner has lied to the other? Or is it the slippery road to madness? I don't want to become a crazy wife who questions and checks things but my heart hurts. What can we actually do to sort this out?

mrsSOAK Mon 10-Mar-14 13:39:27

I wish I could give you an answer but I am in a situation where the trust in my 'DH' has been very diminished. I am watching your responses with interest.

Fragglewump Mon 10-Mar-14 13:41:51

My husband wants to know if we can move past this or if we are wasting our time. I don't know what to say.

pinchpunch Mon 10-Mar-14 13:45:22

Yes. I read your other thread and it sounds like he didn't tell you because he realised it probably wasn't the best idea. He didn't go out looking to cheat (and didn't, IMO) - there was even another man in the room.

I'd try and explain to him how it's made you feel (sorry haven't read whole of other thread, not sure if you've already done this), try to understand why he didn't tell you in the first place, and discuss the uncertainty this has led to. If he loves you he will do everything he can to make you feel better about the situation.

I've had boyfriends who had lap dances on stag weekends (supposedly at the insistence of other people) and it doesn't really bother me - they are unobtainable objects and it's nothing more than a few minutes of fantasy. I bet it would never cross your DHs mind that he could or would want anything like an actual relationship with her.

If his not telling you about this makes you think you can't trust him at all, are there other things going on? Does he not make you feel secure in your relationship?

Otherwise I'd be inclined to ask him not to do it again and let it go - if he has given you no other cause for concern, don't let this get to you too much.

Personal opinion, of course.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 10-Mar-14 13:46:30

My husband wants to know if we can move past this or if we are wasting our time.

Well if that's his reaction to his breaking of your trust, then it sounds like a pretty open and shut case, yes.

CaptainHindsight Mon 10-Mar-14 13:59:10

He fucked up
He Made the decision to lie
He Gave himself permission despite knowing it would hurt you.

The question is - what is he going to do?

This is not for you to fix. If he is truly sorry he should be undertaking a massive amount of introspection right now. He needs to articulate why he made the decisions he did and understand how they made you feel. Introspection is hard for liars, they don't like to see what ugliness they hind from themselves.

Is he ashamed of himself or does he intimate you are "overreacting"
Has he offered to get access to counselling/self help so he can understand his own behaviour?

Unless he can reassure you and actually take action then you are flogging a dead horse.

CaptainHindsight Mon 10-Mar-14 13:59:31

hide not hind.

Apologies.

Fragglewump Mon 10-Mar-14 14:01:58

He has apologised but thinks its blown out of proportion and its time to move on.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 10-Mar-14 14:02:57

Big of him to decide what you should do with your emotions.

CaptainHindsight Mon 10-Mar-14 14:03:41

How fantastic for him eh?

Sorry - not enough for me.

Your respect for him should mean more to him than an apology and a quick brush under the carpet.

Fragglewump Mon 10-Mar-14 14:24:35

Yes but is it possible to mend??

CaptainHindsight Mon 10-Mar-14 14:35:17

I do think trust is repairable, but it takes a lot of effort from the person who caused the hurt and a fair amount of forgiveness from the person who has been hurt.

Could i forgive someone who did everything possible to make amends and show true remorse? Yes

Could I forgive someone who wanted me to repress my hurt feelings? No - and I couldn't respect them either.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 10-Mar-14 14:46:39

That's very well put, Captain Hindsight.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 10-Mar-14 14:55:15

Yes you can rebuild the trust with clear communication.
I was one of the people who got political on the other thread, and I apologise.

thanks

Jan45 Mon 10-Mar-14 15:08:05

I've read your other thread, and I think he has a cheek, what's with the we, this should be about him doing everything to reassure you, you've nothing to do love but listen.

It's worrying the way he is dismissing how hurtful he has been to you.

coppertop Mon 10-Mar-14 15:12:47

Trust is one of those things that can only be mended by the person who broke it.

tessa6 Mon 10-Mar-14 15:36:59

Classic case of placing the responsibility on to you. This happens when people are either ambivalent about the outcome, they just want someone else to make the decision, or they are sick of trying really hard and want some sign that the effort is worthwhile. Think about which it is.

If you are serious about rebuilding trust read I LOVE YOU BUT I DON'T TRUST YOU by Kirshenbaum and consider joint counseling.

Look at whether the person is an all round good person who treats you well outside of the one incident. If not, why are you with them anyway?! If so, consider that everyone lies and working out why he lies is the most useful thing.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Mar-14 15:46:58

Did you probe further about there being 2 men and one woman during the private dance ?

Because someone who still hasn't told you the full truth and expects you to stfu does not earn your attempts to pull trust out of thin air

Joysmum Mon 10-Mar-14 17:07:25

Trust can be rebuilt but only if the offending party fully understands and acknowledges the hurt they've caused and doesn't belittle the affects of their actions.

If your husband is trying to push you as if how you feel is a decision, there's no way he fully understands and acknowledges the hurt he has caused and his pushing you to move on is belittling your feelings.

KatieScarlett2833 Mon 10-Mar-14 18:10:58

He does not get to decide when you are ready.

He gets to decide fuck all, actually.

Take all the time you need and if sleezo has a problem with that, show him where he can go. The land of singledom would be my suggestion.

LurcioLovesFrankie Tue 11-Mar-14 21:32:24

The thing is - he's the one who hurt you - so he is not the one who gets to decide whether or not it's being blown out of proportion - you do. Accepting this has got to be his first step in taking responsibility and sorting out the mess he has caused.

Paintyfingers Tue 11-Mar-14 22:07:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FolkGirl Wed 12-Mar-14 06:30:13

I'm not going to discuss the reasons behind this, I'm doing plenty of that elsewhere.

However, when someone has broken your trust so spectacularly, I don't think it is possible to rebuild the trust perfectly. The example I use for children at school is imagine a vase that is perfect. It gets dropped and broken (much like trust when you lie). You can repair it. It will look like a vase again, it might even be a really good job but the weakness will always be there and the cracks will always be visible. It will never be the perfect vase it once was. To continue this, it's up to you whether you want to put a repaired vase out on display, or throw it out. Or a piece of paper that has been screwed up. You can flatten it out and iron it, but it will never be that perfect piece of paper again.

He is also not the one who gets to decide whether it's gone on long enough. Or whether it's being blown out of all proportion.

As for rebuilding trust, I know I couldn't. Which is one of the reasons I'm so definite about my particular deal breakers. I wouldn't want to put myself through the agony of the doubt and the uncertainty. In this case the responsibility for mending the trust is on his head, it's not shared.

I also think CaptainHindsight put it perfectly.

He didn't accidently break your trust. And even if he felt he couldn't say no to the first error in judgement, then went onto make more. That's not someone who was thinking about you or your feelings or felt bad about breaking your trust. That's someone who thought, "fuck it" and then did what they wanted to. And the comments he appears to have made since don't show any greater consideration for you or your feelings than did his original actions.

So is it possible to mend? I don't know. Some people believe it is. I'm pretty black and white on these things.

FolkGirl Wed 12-Mar-14 06:34:37

And yes, his idea of moving on, doesn't appear to be anything to do with him taking responsbility, understanding the impact of his actions and making amends.

I sounds a lot him expecting you to ignore how it makes you feel, not talk about it and pretend things are just as they ever were. When they are not.

He seems to be expecting the action to be coming from you. When you've done nothing wrong.

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