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Please help! advice needed on cross-dressing and partner leaving? :'(

(4 Posts)
poppedbubble Mon 10-Mar-14 12:43:02

Hi there,
this is my first post and I have been trawling the internet all night trying to find some answers but of course there aren't any. The love of my life left me a few weeks ago after only being reunited for less than a year, (we were originally high school sweethearts and kept in touch on and off over the years) he left due to a build of stress within our lives, we have 4 children between us pretty much full time, so there was also parenting disagreements etc. We went through so much together in such a short time, the stress just kept building up. We were so perfect together, I had never experienced this kind of happiness with anyone in my life and felt so complete, like my life had fallen into place and this was the man I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with, he assured me he felt the same and even proposed to me recently! we were so happy.... or so I thought!

However when he left me I entered a state of depression, and am back on prozac and sedative's to help me with the anxiety and heartache I am experiencing now that he has gone. I feel abandoned and alone and for the first week he was telling me he still wanted to be with me, still loved me but just couldn't live with me anymore, he agreed that if we could repair our relationship he would come back in time. But lately he has been so cold towards me, telling me to leave him alone, it's over, he wants no future with me, it was all a mistake etc etc. (might I point out that I have hounded him non stop during this time so I may have added to this decision that he thinks he is better off alone) I have been near suicidal and have even researched in depth suicide techniques.
I know I have children but I simply can't pick myself up, he was my world, my life, I love him so much, it feels like he has died and I am grieving a death if that makes sense? He refuses to see me, won't answer my calls and only occasionally replies to my messages, usually in a blunt fashion.

Anyway last night I had a break through with him, he revealed to me (again via messaging) that he is actually a cross dresser and that cross dressing is a big part of who he is, he likes to do it 50% of the time, (is that too much?) and he likes living alone so he can be himself without all the stresses of me and my kids. He's never told anyone apart from his ex who found it disgusting and so I guess he must have just tried to struggle with it alone whilst he was with her. Although shocked I have totally accepted it, I told him I don't care and he was shocked, he can't believe I still love him! I told him he is the love of my life and it does not matter to me at all. It is a huge relief for us both, I feel I have got some answers as to what he's actually been going through all this time and he is probably relieved that he has someone to finally share it with and who loves and accepts him for it regardless. naturally I have no one to talk to about this, I have been searching the net to try and find a support group but I can't find anything for partners of CD'ers? except i'm not his partner anymore, he says we are not together because he is just happier on his own but he still wants me in his life and wants to get together and "dress" with me and take me out, he's even said he'd like to venture out as his femme self and I said I would go with him. We have discussed maintaining a sexual relationship, which is probably not the way to go but I feel i need to have him in some way and I don't simply want to be a friend? he is very attracted to me and says he is in no way gay, but he mentioned not being able to do his "make-up" and I offered to help him... he is thrilled and now wants to see me so we can have a make up night! I am scared that he may just be using me as a companion, someone to share his secret with and someone to have sex with. I told him I'd do anything for him but he still won't come back to me. But he has said that this could be the start to really laying down some strong foundations for our relationship to grow again. (as I think we rushed it from the start, he left a very long marriage to come to me also with no break in-between) so I fully understand and respect his need for space.

My other worry is that he is not just wearing sexy clothes like knickers and tights etc, but he is also wearing casual clothes? (womens) and he said it relaxes him and makes him feel happy for days afterwards... I read somewhere online that a simple 'straight' cross dresser prefers the feeling of sexy clothes as it arouses them, for excitement, but that if they are wearing more casual clothes or doing it for comfort then there may be more to it? i.e.: he may actually want to be a women? he said if we went out together whilst he was a women he would act like one, I asked if he would still kiss me and hold my hand and he said if he passed he would otherwise we'd look silly? I personally don't care what anyone thinks, I would kiss him and hold as I always have cause I love the person inside. But if he wants to be a women this naturally is going to confuse me? I want a man, I don;t mind if he wants to dress up, but if deep down he has gender or sexual orientation issues, where do I stand? does he want men to fancy him whilst he is out as a women? or is purely just about feeling comfortable with who he is?

He says he doesn't ever want to live with me again and doesn't ever want to be married again but that I should keep my ring to see how things go? I am so confused. I don't know if I should walk away now or if I should support him and hope he will come back to me? this all took me by total shock too cause he is the manliest man I have ever been with! he works out, has a great physique, can do all the manly D.I.Y jobs that my previous partners couldn't! was great with my kids, amazing in bed, caring and considerate. just perfect really.
I just don't know if he is using me to help him come out more and for kinky sex or if he genuinely loves me as he says he does? but if that's the case why is he point blank saying he doesn't want to be a couple anymore? he wants to lead separate lives- and keep our families separate which really hurts.. I don't know if this will change in time or not. is it worth the pain of waiting to see? has anyone else been through anything like this or got any advice?
I am willing to be with him and accept him and his 'kink' even though I am not one bit kinky I love him unconditionally, is he being selfish? or does he just need some time on his own? should I stay with him as a friend/sex companion whilst I wait? or will this just lead to more pain? he says he doesn't want anyone else? and neither do I? I know I could just walk away and hope he misses me enough to want me back, but I'm scared, I think if I do that he will continue in his happy life without me and his freedom and eventually find someone else who doesn't have all the complications I have with exes and kids etc. I am scared I will lose him if I walk away although I already have lost him and am holding on by a thread, please help. xxx

HepHep Mon 10-Mar-14 13:06:25

Okay, the cross dressing is a red herring, and you are just using this area of support ('I will support you in this as no-one else has before!') to reel him back in. He has said multiple times that he doesn't want to be with you, is happier alone and didn't enjoy the stress that blending you two families caused. I think unfortunately, heartbroken as you are you need to hear him on this.

The thing I picked up from your post is that you said you were back on prozac etc, this implies you have been on these in the past? You might be feeling very down and struggling with the breakup, but that doesn't mean its right you two should be together, and it sounds like rather than desperately trying to win him back, you need to feel you are enough in yourself. Would some counselling be an option for you on your own to help you get past this? I have been there by the way and remember the feeling of wanting to do ANYTHING to hang on to a miserable relationship, at any cost. It is hard when you recognise some points of promise and potential in what is not really a happy relationship. Its 'slot machine syndrome', and also he has promised a lot to you and you must feel you are owed a marriage, relationship etc. Sadly he's not going to come good on those empty promises, you were together less than a year and you should cut your losses.

Aside from the fact you seem to be finding it harder to move on than perhaps some folk would, I'd also say that he is not being fair and he is keeping you dangling. You are letting him, but yes as you fear he is kind of using you and that is a bit shitty of him. It might be better to have no contact at all, hard though this would be. I hope you get through this, in the meantime lean on your friends and family not him, and check out

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 10-Mar-14 13:16:46

I think the cross-dressing is just a distraction from the main issue.

The main issue is that this relationship seems unhealthy and unhappy:

- it was whirlwind: you have been together only a year
- it was intense: you describe him as "the love of your life", you'd merged your lives and children in under a year, etc. All a bit breathless
- he has been blowing hot and cold with you: distant, leaving, but also saying he might get back with you if...

I don't think you should be scared of losing him. What you should focus on is detaching from this relationship, letting go, and walking away.

I don't think he is treating you well. He either wants in, or wants out. You're dangling on his thread right now: cut yourself loose. You deserve to be treated with more integrity than this.

ThisIsMyRealName Mon 10-Mar-14 19:49:13

Sorry, but he's made his feelings quite clear and he doesn't want to be with you. The crossdressing is irrelevant.

I know it's difficult when you feel madly in love with someone sad but I think the best thing you can do is accept it and try and move on. Concentrate on your DC's and getting your mental health back on an even keel.

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