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Pissed off.....lies, lap dancing and so called friends.

(266 Posts)
Fragglewump Mon 10-Mar-14 11:16:02

I thought I had an honest marriage until Friday when out for dinner with friends the wife told me that her husband didn't believe in 'paying for it' and that mine probably only did it to 'further his career'. I felt sick and was baffled but didn't tackle as I was a little drunk and totally mortified about exposing this in public. Cue the next morning when dh reveals that a year ago he went to a lap dancing club with his boss and another colleague. He went to a private room with boss and dancer for a private dance. He didn't tell me because he knew it would upset me and he wasn't proud of it. But he did tell our friend!!! I feel sick and teary. It's the lies that hurt most. Dh doesn't think he has broken our trust. I'm upset by the private dance but would find it much easier to move past than being humiliated by a friend. How can I get over this? I feel sad and pathetic. Goodbye honest marriage.

Logg1e Mon 10-Mar-14 11:23:27

Oh dear OP. No wise words, just lots of empathy. I wouldn't know what to do in your place.

Fragglewump Mon 10-Mar-14 11:26:20

Now the 'friends' wife is ringing me and I just don't want to speak to her. I just want to cry.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Mar-14 11:27:48

Never mind "goodbye honest marriage" it would be goodbye marriage for me

I am so sorry, love. What a fucking horrible thing your husband did. And even worse he let you find out the way you did.

Unforgiveable.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 10-Mar-14 11:29:13

Sounds like he didn't tell you because he didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Not sure why this person's wife has chosen to tell you - especially when you were out and with other people.

If you don't want to talk to her then don't. Perhaps she wants to apologise for causing trouble.

Now it's up to you RE the private dance and whether you can get over that. Many would and genuinely wouldn't care. It's up to you.

Sorry OP thanks

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Mon 10-Mar-14 11:30:33

How horrible OP. I couldn't get over this if it were me. Discovering that my dh isn't the man I think he is would make me question everything. The fact that he is saying he hasn't broken your trust didn't bode well. Do you want to forgive him?

AnyFucker Mon 10-Mar-14 11:31:35

And many would consider it cheating and also have very well formed moral objections to men who pay other women to service them sexually. Sorry, OP.

kinkyfuckery Mon 10-Mar-14 11:34:39

Oh dear.

He lied to you (by omission if nothing else?), and then put you into a situation where you were humiliated. Then he's trying to minimise the effects on you.

You need to have a serious think as to whether he can 'fix' this, and a serious talk with him when you have decided.

You are in control here, don't let him take it from you.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 10-Mar-14 11:34:55

Yep.

Good luck OP. It's up to you what you think about the dance. I'm guessing he either didn't tell you because he knew you wouldn't approve OR because he didn't think it was cheating.

Or he may have gone along with it because it was the boss' idea. But then he's a wimp for being a sheep x

Fragglewump Mon 10-Mar-14 11:37:14

I have complicated feelings about the lap dancing issue - hate the exploitation and objectifying women and the imbalance of power but sadly this is normalised so much that many good husbands do visit them. I just feel sick about the lie - I left my first marriage because my exh couldn't tell the difference between truth and lies and it sickened me. Now it's happening again. What a mess.

cattypussclaw Mon 10-Mar-14 11:39:43

Eh? Have I missed something? Are you talking in euphemisms here or was it really just her dancing in a private room with your husband and his boss?

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 10-Mar-14 11:42:46

In those situation it's really not always the men that have the power. Suppose it depends on the club. Some people think there's a woman who hasn't eating for a month and is on drugs chained to a pole or something!

For the most part they are very confident and good looking and are very well paid for a job they can only do for a limited number of years before moving on to something with more reasonable hours, less money (but who cares after you've saved for a deposit for a house!) and easier to keep a relationship.

One of my close friends is a dancer and it's over with in a few minutes and the men sit there looking gormless for a few minutes and then go back to their drinking etc and don't think about it any more.

The point here is that he wasn't up front with you - rather than what he's done - isn't it?

I'd tell the wife of the colleague to wind her neck in. She could have spoken to you about it more sensitively or at least given your DH the opportunity to tell you himself. Sounds like a bit of a shit stirrer tbh.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 10-Mar-14 11:43:14

Catty think it's a private dance we're on about. OP? x

SauceForTheGander Mon 10-Mar-14 11:43:32

I'm sorry OP. You have a lot of things to work through and think about. take your time.

I have very low opinion on stripping and lap dancing not least because it's considered just light hearted fun by so many. It's this casual acceptance of misogyny that upsets me,

DH told me a friend at work suggested they go to lap dancing club to meet for a drink - in a "what an idiot" sort of thing. But even though he wouldn't go ...(I hope) DH was pretty surprised that I said I'd be very very tempted to end our marriage if he did.

It's sexist and I couldn't be married to a sexist any more than I could be married to a racist.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 10-Mar-14 11:46:32

The drinks are so bloody expensive in there as well... that would annoy me more than the dancing!

cattypussclaw Mon 10-Mar-14 11:47:43

If it is just a private dance then massive over reaction IMHO. I have a hubby who works in the City of London and used to (not fashionable any more) go to the odd lap dancing club. Never bothered me at all. They don't touch him, he doesn't touch them, just something he had to do with clients for work (although sure it wasn't too much like hard work for him!). And agree with Whatever: these girls are often well paid and there through choice. Something and nothing, tell Gobby to mind her own.

Fragglewump Mon 10-Mar-14 11:48:01

He says no touching happened just looking. Am deeply unimpressed by the dance. Heartbroken by the deceit. He would never have told me - it was a year ago!

AnyFucker Mon 10-Mar-14 11:48:29

I wouldn't call a bloke who paid women young enough to be his daughter to rub her sex organs on him a "good husband"

SauceForTheGander Mon 10-Mar-14 11:49:22

hmm

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 10-Mar-14 11:50:03

Ha Catty - yep sounds like 'Gobby' isn't trying to cause trouble.

I always thought it was sexist etc until my friend from Uni went on to dance. Now I have a totally different view on it. It's the men who get exploited. Each to their own I guess.

SauceForTheGander Mon 10-Mar-14 11:50:11

Sorry - that was to the comment about expensive drinks.

That's not really helpful is it - to someone in tears?

Jan45 Mon 10-Mar-14 11:50:48

Do you know what, it was probably something as a man he wanted to experience and no doubt egged on by others. No it's not a nice thing to do, for me, it wouldn't be the end of my marriage but he'd get a bloody hard time about it and of course it has dented your trust in him, he didn't tell you! The way you found out is horrible, was this woman just trying to stir up shit? I agree with Trevor, a lot of these clubs the women are there through choice and make a damn good living out of it. Private dances are about a tenner for 2 mins and there's no touching, normally. Not that it makes it alright, it's basically women selling their bodies.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Mar-14 11:51:08

It may be the case in your marriage catty that you feel you have no choice but to overlook this sexist and obectifying behaviour, but some women feel very strongly that it is highly inappropriate to spend family money on something that benefits only the blokes flagging cock.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 10-Mar-14 11:51:09

Whoops Gobby is trying to cause trouble, I mean. After a year for some reason.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 10-Mar-14 11:52:44

AF - hey, Catty has chosen. And is happy with her choice - not really anyone else's place to judge when her DH has been honest about it. OP's husband hasn't been up front. That's the difference.

She's encouraging OP to choose as well. As did you.

LOL at 'sex organs'.

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