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How do you force yourself tyo accept it's over?

(38 Posts)
bogroll Mon 10-Mar-14 10:27:21

Just that really.
My ex dumped me a couple of months ago. I've been pretty heartbroken, but what I think is holding me back is actually accepting it's over. And the reason for this is because it's been an on and off relationship and every time he has ended it in the past he's ended up getting back in touch.
Now, I know what you're all thinking. Why would I even consider taking back someone who has treated me like this?
And yes, I agree, and I sincerely hope I don't. I'm in 'no contact', have been for last couple of months and don't intend breaking it. But it still doesn't stop me from actually missing the good times we had together and accepting it's over. We live near each other and everywhere I go seems to be full of reminders. I do have a lot of friends and interests and trying to keep busy, yet I always check my phone or email to see if he's messaged. Hoping and then hating myself for feeling that way.
One thing I wonder is if I spend too much time reading this forum and others like it about break ups and coping with it. Whilst I have got so much good advice it almost feels like a compulsion to keep reading and I wonder if this also anchors me in the whole break up thing?

bogroll Mon 10-Mar-14 10:36:35

Sorry about spelling mistake in thread title.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Mar-14 10:40:43

It's only been a couple of months so go easy on yourself. Very difficult to switch feelings off for someone, especially if there's an on/off history. Glad you're staying busy because sitting alone with miserable thoughts is the worst thing possible. Physical exercise helps because it cuts down that part of the day between getting in bed and going to sleep when negative thoughts tend to crowd...

In your case you should also be actively boosting your confidence because, no, you shouldn't feel attached to someone who treats you so crappily. That means looking ahead, setting yourself goals and challenges, trying new things, making new friends..... embracing independence in other words. One of those challenges could be relocating, for example

Stay busy, boost your confidence and keep going with the no contact. Good luck smile

cookielove Mon 10-Mar-14 10:48:22

I to was in an on/off relationship many years ago, the torture of waiting to hear from him again was horrible, in the end what got me through was living, just getting on with my life and keeping busy!

I also decided that would be the last time I was in that kind of relationship, not knowing where I stood, wondering how long it would last.

The relationship I am in now is better for me!

Keep busy and like Dory says 'just keep swimming'

MadBusLady Mon 10-Mar-14 11:11:38

I think your last para is very insightful. Yes, maybe reading about relationships can amount to wallowing. In fact the internet generally tends to lead to wallowing IME, just general inactivity and mulling on life as it is rather than seeking new opportunities.

Could you have one or two particularly helpful posts/threads bookmarked and just use them as your strengtheners, and otherwise limit your MNing time?

bogroll Mon 10-Mar-14 12:05:28

Thanks for your words of encouragement.
It's been going on for 4 years, and the last time he ended it I must admit I felt it a lot harder. I did a bit of counselling (which was expensive) and read lots of self help and relationship advice books. And guess what? He got in touch and I went back. So I also wasted quite a bit of money trying to heal. I also didn't feel the counselling helped much as I was simply mourning the relationship and probably didn't give myself enough time to get over it. I don't want to do that again and I'm trying not to talk too much about it to friends as there's only so much I can say about it and I doubt they have much sympathy for me as I have gone back to him three times. I think that's why I spend a lot of time reading about relationship stuff. To see how other people handle these types of things.
I guess I do need to give it more time. He's not a bad person but he's been naughty with me. Telling me he loves me, only to leave me.

cjel Mon 10-Mar-14 12:25:56

I just want to say two things. He IS a bad person for the way he treats you. A good person wouldn't do this to you.
Secondly - Journal don't keep on to you friends if you are saying the same things over and over, write it all down exactly how you feel -everything, you will get to the end of a few pages and it will feel like you have resolved things in your mind.

But remember -HE IS A BAD PERSON for the way he behaves!!!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Mar-14 12:42:20

'Naughty' is a toddler caught with its fingers in the jam....

You don't gain self confidence from reading books you get it from living life and finding ways to be totally happy in your skin. When he gets back in touch, your life should be good enough and your self-confidence high enough that you can say 'I can do so much better'... and mean it.

MadBusLady Mon 10-Mar-14 12:42:43

Ah, yes I see where the problem is. If you're prepared to minimise a wanker treating you like shit as them being "naughty" then you're actively encouraging yourself to stay in the madness. Did you not have an angry stage? You need one.

bogroll Mon 10-Mar-14 12:49:51

No, I can't seem to get angry and I don't know why?
Even when I think of how he's dumped me 3 times, I still seem to see him or our time together in a warm glow. We did nice things. Holidays together. That kind of thing.
That's what makes it difficult to for me to reconcile that person with the one who just suddenly goes cold and ends it.
It's like a puzzle I can't work out.

cookielove Mon 10-Mar-14 12:50:31

He is a BAD person, good people don't treat the people they love like s**t.

This isn't naughty behaviour, he is treating you badly and you are letting him.

I agree with Mad you need to get angry, and tell him no instead of letting him back in.

Stockhausen Mon 10-Mar-14 12:59:09

He asked you back, because you'd gone back the first & second time... he knew if he kept you dangling, he could pick you up again... until he got bored again.

What is the longest you've been no contact before?

Perhaps he's with someone new? Maybe he thinks you'd be a mug to go back again, so won't ask (if you said no, he's lost his power)

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Mar-14 13:01:10

You don't get angry because you don't think you deserve better...

cjel Mon 10-Mar-14 13:30:54

I think anger is a waste of energy!! He's had more of you than he deserves, don't waste any of your energy being angry - try being happy!!! Take care of yourself, spoil yourself and use your energy to really look at why you think a bad person is all you deserve - REMEMBER HE IS A BAD PERSON- and think what person you would really like if you felt you deserved it and go for that because you do deserve to be treated wellxxx

bogroll Mon 10-Mar-14 13:44:36

I went 'no contact' for six months last time. It's been two months this time and counting. I don't understand myself. I'm strong enough to implement that, but don't feel strong enough to just simply forget about him. I seem to obsess about him and everything about our relationship and break up.
Go figure.

bogroll Mon 10-Mar-14 13:50:58

I don't think he is a bad person. He cares for his ageing mum so obviously does have a caring side. He just seems hot and cold with me. I have to accept some responsibility for my part in things by taking him back the third time. He's spineles for ending it by text, but he's entitled to end it.
I'm not saying mumsnet are anti-men per se, but would the same thing be said of a woman behaving like this to a man?

kaizen Mon 10-Mar-14 13:57:08

I was involved in a similar on/off bad-for-me relationship and eventually dumped him and went NC. I was obsessed tho for a good six months, and read Baggage Reclaimed website to try and work him out, waited for texts, talked to friends and mulled over it. But at the same time I got really into a new hobby, changed my routine, went on holiday alone to do my new hobby, and met other people. It was hard going, but it worked and I couldn't care less about him now, even tho I see him around. Seriously, find something else to do because you'll never work out why this happened and will waste time trying to. Take your life in a new direction.

scornedwoman67 Mon 10-Mar-14 14:04:23

You are making excuses for his behaviour & telling yourself that deep down he is a lovely person.

When you are tempted to do that, remind yourself how you feel each time he finishes it, then watches as you spend months in agony, only to come back & repeat his actions over again.

Then ask yourself whether you would behave that way to somebody you supposedly love/care for. I bet you wouldn't.

And as for him looking after his mum, lots of people do that. It doesn't mean they aren't selfish and badly behaved towards women.
He has no respect for you & you need to realise that.

I'm sorry - it's not easy but it's the only way.

bogroll Mon 10-Mar-14 14:08:12

Yes I my heart of hearts.

So how do I force myself to accept it's over and let go and move on?
It must look so easy from the outside, but for me it's hard to change my feelings.
I almost feel like sending a message telling him never to bother me again.
But that would make me look crazy wouldn't it? And I do have some pride.

Stockhausen Mon 10-Mar-14 14:33:51

You put your big girl pants on, muster as much self respect as you can, and focus on being happy and living your life.

kaizen Mon 10-Mar-14 14:50:45

Make a plan that doesn't involve thinking about him, reading books about relationships (you can read those later when you have some distance from him, at the moment they will just make you wonder if it could have been different)

What are you going to do then to move on? It's a good time of year to start something new (lighter evening, spring), meeting new people will give you a wider perspective on life, and something else to think about.

I really do empathise, it's awful but time will heal but you can help it by taking action.

MadBusLady Mon 10-Mar-14 15:05:47

Have you looked at the Baggage Reclaim blog? I think you need to wake up to how unpleasant this guy is TO YOU. He could have the Nobel Peace Prize, he still treats YOU like shit. This blowing hot and cold business, lying, disappearing off and popping up again when he fancies a shag, it all indicates that he thinks very little of you indeed.

And you let him do it. You keep convincing yourself that he's nice "really" or "deep down" when all his actions show the opposite - and you're still doing it now, so I'm not surprised you're struggling with getting over him. The problem is that you don't altogether want him gone, because you still think he is/can be what you want/dream/imagine he is, in the face of piles of evidence to the contrary.

Don't text him. That is engaging and that is what you must STOP doing. The last thing you need is more inputs to obsess over. I am prepared to bet that you are secretly hoping it will make him suddenly bounce back towards you again anyway.

And it's revealing that you think we're being harsh or man-hater about this, it shows just how out of whack your perceptions of his behaviour are. Honestly, we're just drawing the most logical inference from what you say he has done and how he has behaved.

BillyBanter Mon 10-Mar-14 15:16:34

I had one like this. The bad news I didn't find a way to get over him. The good news is that when I did finally reject him that was it. It was like a light switch going off. I wasn't interested any longer. No attraction. No desire.

Maybe you could practise what you will say when/if he does come back. If you have a script to say that it is final and maybe even puts him down a bit or sneers at him (even though you don't feel it) which burns bridges meaning you can't go back.

bogroll Mon 10-Mar-14 16:09:33

Madbuslady yes you are right about me secretly wanting to hear from him, though I did admit that earlier in the thread, and the self loathing I feel for thinking this way.
There is a part of me that also thinks I may be able to move on and close the door if he did contact me. Like Billy Banter did. But I had that chance last year, and instead I took him back.

BillyBanter Mon 10-Mar-14 16:32:01

What would you like to be able to say to him if he came crawling back that would make you feel empowered and back in control?

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