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Trip to Ibiza with the lads ffs

(202 Posts)
Bolloctothat72 Mon 10-Mar-14 10:13:09

Yes I know, let him go don't be controlling, nothing wrong with it trust him blah blah blah. My bf is 45 trying to arrange a lads holiday while the World Cup is on, clubbing drinking whatever. I didn't particularly like this when I was in my 20s but I shut up and put up for the sake of the relationship. I now I'm divorced met someone else only a year but there's always texts amongst these lads about various trips, pre stag dos here, actual stag dos there. Now flipin Ibiza I can't cope with it. I want a man , not a lad reliving his youth that won't commit. I'm fine with lads nights out weekends away even with the lads, well don't particularly like them but I'll put up with it if it makes him happy, but what about my feelings. Am I allowed to not like it none of my friends husbands/partners do this why bloody me

AnyFucker Mon 10-Mar-14 10:17:03

You are allowed to decide where you draw the line in your relationship

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks/does

If you don't want to be hooked up with an eternal "lad's lad" that is your choice

It wouldn't be mine. Some women however will put up with anything just to have a "boyfriend".

If you asked my direct advice as to what to do, I would suggest you move on and find a man with the same level of maturity as you.

BertieBotts Mon 10-Mar-14 10:18:36

Of course you're allowed to not like it.

Russianfudge Mon 10-Mar-14 10:20:45

I think it's more common now than it was... I don't know when things changed. When my dad's generation was in their 40s (even 30s!) there would be no way they would have even thought of doing this.

I hate the whole stag week thing, to me it's just an excuse to get away from your family. whats wrong with a night away? I mean, most companies give between 20-25 days holiday, I don't find it acceptable for men (or women although you hear of that less often) to use that precious time going on endless stag and "lads" holidays.

And the cost!!

The reliving youth bit I don't agree with (because I never intend to grow up) but I think that should and could be done as a couple. Can you go to Ibiza together??

In short, If you want to stay indoors all the time and he wants to go on clubbing holidays then you are badly matched. If he is spending his free time going on holidays and nights out with his mates instead of you then he's an arse.

Either way I think you can guess what my advice is!!

CuntyBunty Mon 10-Mar-14 10:21:33

You need a man, not a boy. He sounds like a 45 year old boy. I used to take the piss out of DH when we were in our early twenties for being a "young fogey" though, so you can't have it all ways.

Mrswellyboot Mon 10-Mar-14 10:22:44

I wouldn't like it either. He might resent you though, it you stop him. After a while you have to weigh up what is more important in your life. No one will be 100 percent perfect for you but you have to be happy.

dreamingbohemian Mon 10-Mar-14 10:24:12

"why bloody me"?

Because you choose to stay with him. It's not some miracle that your friends don't have to deal with it. They just made different choices.

I completely understand why you don't like it, I wouldn't either, but you do have a choice here. If you want to be with a grown-up then make that happen.

Bolloctothat72 Mon 10-Mar-14 10:24:22

Thank you any fucker, just had to let off steam! I've been the 'cool girlfriend' before never got me anywhere, just did more and more! You read so many of these things saying let him go don't be so controlling, but if I don't like it you don't like it. There's things I'll put up with that others won't but I just hate this I don't really know why I've tried to baffle my head about it but that gets me nowhere apart from feeling annoyed with myself and him. A stag trip is ok you know yeh go but just any fucking excuse I can't take anymore!!!!

AnyFucker Mon 10-Mar-14 10:25:08

Who cares if he "resents" her. If they are not compatible because he is a Manchild and she is a grown up it will never work.

rainbowsmiles Mon 10-Mar-14 10:26:46

Would not be for me. I find the whole thing moronic. Down with this sort of thing altogether. ...The expensive stag and hen dos abroad and the lads holidays just to get boozed up and perv. Its all so pathetic. I would have nothing to say to someone who thought this was a good way to spend time and money so I wouldn't be in a relationship with them.

Bolloctothat72 Mon 10-Mar-14 10:28:54

Oh I love going out with him and my girlfriends occaisionally, we're not badly matched in that way, I'd even go to Ibiza with him but he wants to go with the lads not me, maybe that's pissed me off too I dunno I'm just so wound up at the moment and worried about the future cos guess what I bloody love him other than this, it's doing my head in

AnyFucker Mon 10-Mar-14 10:30:41

A relationship should be fulfilling and make you feel secure. if you are "worrying about the future" then you are not in a good relationship.

Bolloctothat72 Mon 10-Mar-14 10:33:52

I'm actually surprised, I thought I d get floods of people telling me not to be so controlling and how it's good for them to get away and to arrange something myself, get a life etc. but I know my girlfriends wouldn't like it apart from the odd one , phew I'm normal !!

CurtWild Mon 10-Mar-14 10:35:53

I tied myself in knots trying to be the 'cool wife', over-looked what I felt was acceptable in a relationship and attempted to change my boundaries so he wouldn't have reason to call me 'controlling' or be resentful. All it got me was a feeling of losing myself to his needs whilst mine got ignored. Resentment works both ways..what if you end up resenting him for every inch you give he takes a mile.

flipchart Mon 10-Mar-14 10:37:40

I think if you had young children and were struggling financially then YABU.

One of the things I like about being in my 40s is that I've got more freedom and money than before and if I want to go away with friends for a week then that's great. I would be fucked off if my DH told me I couldn't go and we have been together 25 years! You have been with him a year and you are not happy. Last year I went to Spain for a mates birthday. Doesn't mean I'm re living my youth or not committing to my marriage.

You can have both commitment and a weeks holiday with mates, you know.

MargotLovedTom Mon 10-Mar-14 10:38:26

Well what do you love about him? If this is such a big facet of his personality I'm struggling to see why you decided to pursue it as a long term relationship?

MargotLovedTom Mon 10-Mar-14 10:39:21

Pretty much agree with flipchart.

Bolloctothat72 Mon 10-Mar-14 10:39:41

I know flip hart and it's great it works for you, BUT I don't like it end of!

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 10-Mar-14 10:40:34

Cunty how is him wanting to go away with his mates making him a boy not a man?

I'm really confused - confused - see I said I was confused.

OP you said something about how he 'won't commit' - is this the real issue? If he was committed would you mind about the holiday?

Not attacking you and know it'd be better if you and him were going somewhere hot. But if you and your friends were going away and your DP didn't like it we'd be saying he's controlling etc. So... what's the problem? Do you think he'll do something with other women or something?

If my DP had been cross about me going away after a year I'd leg it.

Maybe have something equally fun lined up for you and him to enjoy? Seems like there's a reasonable compromise to be had I'm sure.

flipchart Mon 10-Mar-14 10:42:21

I meant to add reading your post I think there is more to it than a trip to Ibiza.

What sort of commitment do you want and what's his reasonings for not giving it?

If it was just the trip with mates to Ibiza I think you are being unreasonable not to be ok but if it is part of a bigger picture then I understand why you are not happy. ( I know this is in relationships and not AIBU by the way!

dreamingbohemian Mon 10-Mar-14 10:43:25

Of course partners should be able to go away and do their own thing. But it's a bit sad when all they want to do is go off with the lads and get shit-faced and embarrass themselves. And would rather do that than go somewhere nice with you.

I live in a city that gets quite a lot of British stag dos abroad, and ran into one the other night. Bunch of men in their 40s wearing silly clothes, spanking each other, having burping contests, singing football songs, breaking glasses.... and this was at 5 pm in a normal bar! Everyone in the place thought they were saddos.

I know a lot of people see nothing wrong in that, and that's fine for them. But it's fine to not want to be around that too. So you need to make a tough choice.

Bolloctothat72 Mon 10-Mar-14 10:43:26

There's lots of things I like about him, it's a good relationship but it's always been something that's worried me as my marriage broke up after something simular, it's getting to the point as you can see I'm questioning the long term outlook of the relationship I just see resentment on both sides......which means doom basically. I just needed to get it off my chest have a scream and a tantrum, I have to myself decide what to do about it it's either put up and shut up or move on I guess, or talk to him ask for a compromise at least I've tried then ohhhh relationships I hate them !

BertieBotts Mon 10-Mar-14 10:45:41

You probably would on any other site, that's why mumsnet is so great, it's full of NORMAL people grin

If it bothers you that he's doing it, then it's a compatability issue. If you think it's great and you would happily join in and you get the chance to do it yourself and you're always going off on your own weekends away, then great. But your OP sounded closer to the first than the second to me?

If you think about it, what do you gain from telling him not to go, if he wants to go? Nothing because he will feel resentful of it.

What do you gain from keeping quiet when he goes and being unhappy about it? Nothing because you feel resentful of him, and worse, he doesn't even know.

It's far better to be honest, and then accept the honest reality (which means if he starts making empty promises, ask him to be honest too) - there's a small chance he might say "Well actually I don't really like the lads' weekends either. I've been looking for an excuse to get out of them for ages" - although even that isn't perfect, because it means he's a bit spineless - but it may be that you can live with spineless! BUT overall I think you have to accept that if you have different drives and ambitions and ideas of what is acceptable then it's not really healthy to continue.

flipchart Mon 10-Mar-14 10:47:24

I don't get why some people think going away without their partners on holiday is re living their youth and deserves having the puss taking out of them.
Christ almighty, we are only in this planet once as far as we know, pay your dues, and have fun!

I'll ring up my 74 year old mum after and take the piss about her Benidorm trips here she leaves my dad behind!

BertieBotts Mon 10-Mar-14 10:48:27

And a compromise may be possible. But make sure what you are agreeing to you are ACTUALLY happy with, and not just putting up with for the sake of the rest of it, and being miserable for that period every year/6 months/whatever.

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