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Help me get over him!!

(24 Posts)
EverythingsDozy Sun 09-Mar-14 22:30:19

Long back story.
In short, caught my husband in bed with another woman on NYE. He's told me he loves her and has left me and two young children (3 and 1 yrs) alone.
He's been SO cruel to me but I still love him and want him home. Please help me get over him.

He's sent me a text message this evening telling me he's cancelled the tv and broadband contract and has said that I either take over the contract for my phone and iPad or give them to him.
The iPad was a Christmas 2012 present for our daughter and the phone was a Christmas 2013 gift for me (a two year contract that he bought 11 days before I caught him with this woman!). Do I have to give him these? I read somewhere that I don't because they were gifts? I just can't believe how he has changed so suddenly, before I caught him he was acting so normally but since he's gone I keep getting nasty messages like these.

Anyway, please someone, tell me what I can do to get this idiot out of my head!! I can't even go to my local town without physically shaking that I'm going to bump into them! Help me, I'm desperate!!

LavenderGreen14 Sun 09-Mar-14 22:33:04

well to cancel the contracts he will have to pay the remainder of the term I think, but if they are in his name I am not sure if you could legally keep them.

Have you seen a solicitor yet? If not I would see one pronto for advice.

EverythingsDozy Sun 09-Mar-14 22:34:28

If that's the case then he can have the phone and the iPad back but I can't guarantee they'll be in one piece.

BeCool Sun 09-Mar-14 22:39:17

You don't have to do what he says. He is not the boss of you. If he wants to cancel the contracts he is free to. They are his liability. You can get new contracts in place. If the items themselves were gifts they are yours to keep.

He is trying to bully you. Personally I would simply ignore him.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 09-Mar-14 22:40:31

My FWH left last September to be with his OW, he threatened to stop paying for Sky, broadband and phone - he said they were luxuries - I said it was down to the way I had become accustomed to living and he couldn't just stop paying. I saw a solicitor and got a letter sent to him saying he couldn't just do that because he had decided the marriage was over - 6 months later, he's still paying for them.

In my situation, he can't stop paying for anything until a financial settlement is agreed.

See a solicitor for advice, pay for a letter - it will give you peace of mind for a while.

I'm so sorry for you that you found out the way you did.

BeCool Sun 09-Mar-14 22:40:47

Have you sought legal advice in general yet? Is he paying maintenance etc?

LavenderGreen14 Sun 09-Mar-14 22:41:19

I agree - he sounds an utter bully. How awful for you OP.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 09-Mar-14 22:45:49

I'd let him cancel the contracts but keep the phone and IPad to take out my own contacts for. Hell would freeze over before he got them back especially iPad for dd and if demanded them, well I might just slip over in the bathroom next to a full bath and who knows what might happen to such a fragile piece of equipment in such a situation?

EverythingsDozy Sun 09-Mar-14 22:46:18

He owes maintenance from 31st January but it will start coming from his account on 1st April. The letters have just come through so I think that's why he's being so nasty.

I'm just struggling to come to terms with the man he is. I've never seen a nasty side of him (after a 10 year relationship) so it's really hard to see.

Millyblods Sun 09-Mar-14 22:46:33

Sorry OP this is a horrible time for you and you must hurt like hell. How long has he being seeing her? He is being horrible and hurtful because in his world he has moved on and thinks he feels nothing for you and he doesn't feel he should have to pay anything for you now that he doesn't have to. It could all change though. He might get fed up of her, you just don't know. But anyway I don't think there is anyway to get over him quickly other than looking after yourself really well. Have a makeover, change your hair, change all the décor in your house or move furniture around. Start going out with friends and making new ones. Start exercising which will help you too. Eventually bit by bit you will start to feel better about yourself and not be bothered by him so much.

EverythingsDozy Sun 09-Mar-14 22:49:16

He's been talking to her since may, I told him to stay away as she was stepping on my toes, spinning him a sob story, pursuing him etc.
He told me he hardly spoke to her any more about two days before I caught them. I believed him. I don't know what to think. He was acting so normally up until the very day I caught them. I want to smash her stupid fat face in angry

LavenderGreen14 Sun 09-Mar-14 22:54:36

How horrid for you - I would advise not speaking to him at all, unless it is about his contact with the children. Him speaking to you in such a horrid way is just utter cruelty.

It is a huge thing to get your head round, you are now seeing the sort of person he has become. You need to protect yourself from that and give yourself time to come to terms with it and get over him.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 09-Mar-14 22:57:31

I want to smash her stupid fat face in

Can you do the same to his face too? Anger will help you even if it is in a literal sense.

You have been treated terribly. How do you get over him? Get some control back. Arm yourself with so much information. Seriously, it does help, especially when he tells you he's doing this and that.

See a solicitor, speak to the CSA and CAB.

Research, research and research some more - get wise and you will get that control back sweetie.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 09-Mar-14 23:02:04

Oh and I mean this in the kindest way, I had to avoid threads about affairs on here for months. I took it very personally how blinkered some appeared to be when I was hurting beyond belief and it set me back.

Stay here, you will get lots of advice and support.

tracypenisbeaker Sun 09-Mar-14 23:02:38

Great advice Millyblods

EverythingsDozy Sun 09-Mar-14 23:10:04

Yes, handful, you're probably right about that. I have just written a particularly mad response to a thread where someone was having an affair. It makes me so mad!!! I mean, I always have, I just can't understand why or how people can be so cruel and uncaring to others. I'm at a loss as to how my husband can do it to me.

I think it's because now he has to pay maintenance and some debts from when we were together, he has no money to spend on his little bitch girlfriend.

He also wants to introduce the children to her. What can I say?! I don't think "you can introduce our DC to the OW when little pink sparkly pieces of grass float into the sky" will go down well. I would rather die than let her know my children, especially after such a short time. It's been less than 10 weeks sad

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 09-Mar-14 23:18:39

I saw that post and it touched me as I know where you are flowers

Okay, so you have humour and you have strength - you can get over him. He is not the man you married, sadly that man has gone. He is now a stranger. There is nothing wrong with loving the mean he was.

You need to concentrate on the practical side for you and your DCs. Get some legal advice. If you're not ready to think of divorce, then you can get a Separation Agreement written up which could include introducing your DCs to OW and a timescale for this. They do not need any disruption to their well-being, which includes being introduced to OW, especially your eldest. A solicitor will be sensitive to this.

I emailed all the legal firms in my area asking if they did a free consultation and they all came back to me - I found my solicitor after the second meeting and cancelled other appointments.

Do you have RL support?

EverythingsDozy Sun 09-Mar-14 23:35:30

Yes I have RL support. My family and friends have really rallied round and made me feel better.

I just don't know what to do. He's really hurt me but I love the idiot. I need to stop loving him

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 09-Mar-14 23:43:23

Personally, I never got to the 'hating' stage. I was with my H for 11 years and I had never seen any indication of this or his continued nastiness since he left. I am currently divorcing my H and he is getting a place with OW. I still don't hate him. I just concentrate on me and my DS and our future.

You cannot just turn off your feelings just because he has decided to check out of the marriage, it's completely natural to still feel love for him - that doesn't just stop - you loved him deeply.

I'm glad your family and friends are being supportive. Write lists of everything you need to do, your poor head is probably all over the place. Give your babies lots of cuddles, you will draw strength from them.

EverythingsDozy Mon 10-Mar-14 10:35:46

I want to hate him. I should hate him!!! He didn't even want to pay for his kids! I should hate him, shouldn't i?!

BeforeAndAfter Mon 10-Mar-14 10:57:38

Hello OP

For me the key to moving on was emotionally detaching from him. In reality I was detaching from the kind lovely man I married not the selfish cruel man he morphed into over night.

I had to visualise my detachment (sounds corny - sorry). I envisaged our bond as a chain and with each lie, humiliation and stalling tactic a chain link was broken.

I also tracked back to when my marriage was just us. I might have been with him for 16 years but he was only mine for 15 years in reality and that's the bit I grieved for.

It worked for me - bit by bit. There was also a fair bit of hatred and bile that I wrote out endlessly while sat in bed in the wee hours. Then one day I had nothing more to write.

Millyblods Mon 10-Mar-14 13:20:26

Men generally are not like us emotionally. When they believe themselves to have fallen in love (lust) with another woman then they totally detach from the wife. They no longer have any feelings for her and they think you should just be able to move on as they have done. Generally a woman in the same position who is having an affair and believes herself to be in love (lust) with another man still feels full of remorse, guilt, confusion and wants to still be there for her ex and make this better if she can. That's the difference I have observed in these situations. Then the more needy you act and become the more you push them away and the more they detest you and your presence in their lives. Not all men are like this of course but the majority behave in this way. The best way to to hurt him is to get stronger and when your ready be the best that you can be. Whenever he comes to pick up the kids make sure you look drop dead gorgeous, be friendly but neutral. Don't let him see your hurting, let him see what he has lost.
Its actually early days and you don't know if his new relationship will work out once they actually get to know each other warts and all.

EverythingsDozy Tue 11-Mar-14 09:18:06

I hope it doesn't work out. I want to be able to go and look her in the eyes and tell her that she destroyed my marriage for a silly little fling that meant nothing! I hope he regrets it. I want him to come crawling back so I can say no and shut the door in his stupid face.
I don't want to be feeling like this either. I don't want to be cruel and vindictive. I don't want to feel like anything.
I want it to be as it was but I think I'm better off without him. I never did anything for myself, never treated myself, and now I do. Everything has always been about him. He's always been selfish.

Millyblods Tue 11-Mar-14 11:38:02

Good, your starting to find yourself again. Small steps. smile

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