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Still cross about DH's behaviour 4 years ago.

(43 Posts)
zoeannie Sun 09-Mar-14 20:58:02

My DH is great in many ways but has always been rubbish if I've been ill, if the children are ill, or if he has to do lots of things in the house. He gets quite moody and sulky when any of these things happen. Basically as long as all is going his way then he's fine.

4 years ago, when pregnant with our youngest child I was ill the whole pregnancy with various things. As a result of this he had to take over the majority of things in the house and with our other 2 DCs, and I literally spent the whole 9 months feeling very ill and feeling uncomfortable in my own home as DH was constantly moody; he sulked, wouldn't speak to me, snapped, moaned constantly about having to do things and I felt like a real inconvenience.

After the birth I had a PPH, and then got a breast abcess and again was very unwell, and again it meant DH had to do a lot in the house for several weeks. Again he was sulky, moody and made me feel uncomfortable constantly. He even threatened to leave when DS was a few days old as he said I wasn't being appreciative enough. And when I had the breast abcess and was in bed for 2 days with a raging fever and very unwell, he virtually went on strike.

I then got PND, and again he was unsupportive and didn't care at all.

Once my anti depressants kicked in and I felt well again, things got back to 'normal' as I started doing the lion's share of housework again. He has been fine since then unless the kids or I are ill, or unless something doesn't suit him. However I cannot get past his behaviour from my pregnancy and when I had DS and I sometimes feel like splitting up from him because I just cannot get over it.

If I try to discuss it with him he refuses to discuss it and just ignores me. Or says there is no point in dwelling on past arguments.

I just needed to get it off my chest really. sorry this is long!

LineRunner Sun 09-Mar-14 21:03:04

Oh dear God, don't be sorry, I'm not surprised that you wanted to get that off your chest.

The behaviour back then was dreadful; and it is still there in the here and now, isn't it?

Would you like to live without him and all his draining behaviour? I know I would, in your shoes.

RandomMess Sun 09-Mar-14 21:07:18

Maybe I'm project here but;

You do realise he'll never be there for you and the dc don't you? Your role is to support him and get nothing in return.

That really bl**dy hurts.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Sun 09-Mar-14 21:07:24

Well of course you are angry because let's face it you know in the future if you get ill he is going to be a dick about it.

rubyslippers Sun 09-Mar-14 21:08:10

i don't know if i would be able to move past any of it

he's ok and his behaviour is fine as long as nothing and nobody inconveniences him sad

well that's not life - people get sick, stuff happens and in a partnership you do things to get the other person through it all

he sounds really nasty TBH and the reason why you can't get over it, is because his behaviour is fundamentally the same

sorry but i think splitting up would be an option

Driveway Sun 09-Mar-14 21:10:06

It is hard, because he has shown you he won't support you in the way that you need him to, when things are tough.
And life is full of ups and downs of course.
sad

TheScience Sun 09-Mar-14 21:10:52

It's not just his behaviour 4 years ago - because he's still an utter bastard confused

TheSumofUs Sun 09-Mar-14 21:14:12

Zoeannie - can you list any ways your husband partners with you, or contributes to the home and family?

pancakedayiscoming Sun 09-Mar-14 21:19:12

So you can't count on him? Do you medicate yourself in order to provide him the life he find acceptable? You started off by saying he's great in many ways and then didn't write anything to make us think that. Do you really think that?

glucose Sun 09-Mar-14 21:20:08

Is he 12? Apols for flippancy but IMO v.childish behaviour. Its hard work on your own,but much better than being with someone who makes you feel like this. I get sick, my DD is now at an age where she will say "drop me at school mummy and go back to bed" ..my ex had similar traits to those you describe..

pancakedayiscoming Sun 09-Mar-14 21:20:27

I apologise, that reads harsher than I meant, I'm full of sympathy for your tough situation but managed only to express the horror I felt reading what you wrote op!

Lweji Sun 09-Mar-14 21:24:59

You do realise he'll never be there for you and the dc don't you? Your role is to support him and get nothing in return.
This.

If you go single, at least you'll only have to take care of you.
And when he has the children you won't have to listen to him.

BitchPeas Sun 09-Mar-14 21:27:36

I was incredibly ill a couple of years ago, at deaths door after losing a baby. Then D P acted as your DH did. His utter selfishness and self absorbstion took my breath away tbh. I'd never seen another person act like that. He was fine up to the point I got ill. Then he left as 'it had been shit for a while and his mum could look after him better than I could at the moment' packed up all his shit and left me haemorrhaging on the bathroom floor, never even called/text to Check I was ok confused angry

He's showing you, that it's all about him, his wants his needs come first always will. It's a lack of empathy to put it mildly.

As PP said it hurts so badly when you see just how unimportant your wants needs or feelings are to the person who's meant to love you the most sad

DorothyBastard Sun 09-Mar-14 21:29:38

As PPs have said, this is about an isolated incident that happened four years ago. This is an ongoing pattern of behaviour. It just happened to be particularly acute four years ago. His lack of support is not okay, you shouldn't have to accept this. He is more of a fair-weather friend than a partner.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 09-Mar-14 21:31:12

I sort of want to say he's an arse, you can't rely on him so leave the bastard.

However, it is shit when your partner gets sick and you're suddenly thrust into a position of doing for the whole family - various things have happened to me and my dh over the years and it can be a shock, resentment and frustration do build.

So if it was me (and it's not me so ignore it if it doesn't fit with you) I'd try to have a conversation about it where I said :

"I'm guessing you found it hard having to pull so much weight during that time, I'm also resentful and now worried for the future as we get older and need to know that we can pull together or cover for each other when we have too. Right now I don't feel like that. And on a day to day basis I currently think I'm doing a bit too much"

Can I also suggest some counselling or a really good extended rant with someone sympathetic so you can process your feelings about the past?

LineRunner Sun 09-Mar-14 21:36:03

God, BitchPeas, I hope you are doing ok now.

ExcuseTypos Sun 09-Mar-14 21:42:49

No wonder you're still cross- you should be.

There is no excuse for behaving like this. I could understand it if a close relative had been very ill when he was a child and he'd been traumatised by it. But he should get help for that and talk about it, not treat you with utter disdain.

diamondlizard Sun 09-Mar-14 21:54:13

I guess your worrying about getting ill again and growing older.

Test him?
Pretend to be really ill
If He is shit about things

I would consider leaving tbh

BeCool Sun 09-Mar-14 23:08:17

When XP was mean to me when I was really sick/bed bound with wretched tonsillitis it was the last straw and I left him.

He was jealous as I was "in bed" and he was having to parent.

It wasn't an isolated moment but it made me see without any doubt just where he saw "my place" in the scheme of things. And just what he really thought of me.

I got to doc, got better and got rid grin

zoeannie Sun 09-Mar-14 23:46:54

Thank you all for the replies. They're all very much appreciated.

No matter what I do, I just can't get over how I felt during my pregnancy in particular. It was just horrendous. I just spent the whole time feeling resented and bullied. His whole refusal to discuss things really gets to me too. He won't even try to see where I'm coming from. It's as if I just have to accept his behaviour. In fact, if anything, he thinks he's brilliant as he 'did everything' during that time. Yeah, everything except offer me any emotional support.

He's also very mean if ever I'm ill now, which to be fair isn't often as I try to soldier on as it's not worth being unwell because he gets so cross. He won't do anything to help and will refuse to do certain things. He also won't bring me a glass of water or any tablets or anything like that. When he's ill it's a different story though.

Superworm Sun 09-Mar-14 23:53:07

I would be able to get past it either. No wonder you developed PND.

'D'H was vile to me when I had PND and it was awful. It's completely changed the way I feel about him.

zoeannie Sun 09-Mar-14 23:54:58

He regularly threatened to leave when my PND had just started. He didn't seem able to "get" that if he treated me kindly then it would have helped matters. All he seems to factor in is himself and how he feels and how anything affects him.

Qix Mon 10-Mar-14 00:25:52

Doesn't bode well for old age does it OP.

One of thing things that made me leave my ex was the thought of how hideous it would be if I ever ended up dependant on him, as often happens when people get old.

noslimbody Mon 10-Mar-14 03:22:42

OP, that sounds just like my STBXH. I have had 3 miscarriages and each time he has been callous and unfeeling, and not even bothered at all about any of them unless someone showed me sympathy then he would suddenly be upset and needed sympathy too!
After my last ds was born by c-section, I narrowly avoided a hysterectomy, had to have a "j" shaped cut which took over 6 months to heal, he made me do all the packing to move when ds was 10 weeks old. Even the removal men (a bunch of burley lads) were shocked and at one point told him to pack up the stuff that wasn't packed because he was telling me to do it. "she has got the baby to take care of" They almost made me cry...just the kindness. After the birth of our first son by c-section 12 years ago, he came to the hospital and as I gingerly sat in the chair (on the second day after the op) he lay down on the hospital bed. After he left the lovely midwife came and gave me a leaflet about domestic abuse, but i just didn't see it....if only I had.
My point is that I am angry now, not because I was happy then. But because I see the pattern, and I realise he has done each thing deliberately and there was no innocent explanation.
I too soldier on now if ill, it is just easier than having to ask for help.
It does have an affect

Wuxiapian Mon 10-Mar-14 03:34:29

It wouldn't sit right with me, zoe, and I don't think I could move past it.

A man who's meant to love his wife and the mother of his children, would not behave in such ways.

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