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Such a mess :'(

(15 Posts)
honey86 Sun 09-Mar-14 20:27:34

Basically i confronted my ex about how hes stringing me along (i posted previously). We rowed. He threw back in my face about how i had my solicitor send him a warning letter when i was preg, and how he missed out on our planned hol cos of it.
Theres also a rumour going around that hes bisexual.
I asked him about it and he gave me a rollocking for it.

The reason i was sus bout it was on top of that, hes been spending alot of time with a male friend who he met just a couple months ago. This bloke drove to a different town to pick ex from work n give him a lift home. He said he chatted with him til 3am and is planning a last minute hol with him. He keeps his phone on silent and disappears to the toilet alot with it. The only reason im funny about this was cos of the rumour.

After this row he basically told me hes done nothing wrong and he doesnt know where all this is coming from. Id post the link to my last post for some background but couldnt find it.

Be honest, am i being silly or imagining things?

Atm hes ignoring me, completely cold. It hurts. Im crying i cant eat cant sleep, and the mind games are taking their toll on me now and im starting to slip into depression. I already have abit of pnd.

Its so hard as ds is still a small baby and im not ready to leave him with anyone but they have contact each week. How does one 'emotionally seperate' from things like this?

LoisPuddingLane Sun 09-Mar-14 20:31:09

If he's your ex, should this not all be over?

Cabrinha Sun 09-Mar-14 20:36:04

I don't understand - is he your ex or not? You say ex, and about contact - but then say he keeps taking his phone to the loo, and you know about pick ups...

If he's not your ex - he should be. You're clearly not happy with him.
Assuming he's your ex...
- Whether he is bisexual and who he dates is none if your business.
- if your child is too young to leave you, go for contact with you present for now. If he intimidates you (sounds like it?) can you do this in a children's centre not your home?
- the depression / PND: have you spoken to your GP?

Theoldhag Sun 09-Mar-14 20:53:30

honey this man is not for you, he has very little respect for you, move on and get support and help in doing this, speak to your gp and health visitor, they can help you access counselling, any medical interventions you may require and point you in the direction of groups for support. You deserve so much more than this.

I hope he is contributing financially with your baby, if not contact csa.

Good luck and I really hope that your future is brighter

honey86 Sun 09-Mar-14 21:18:09

Sorry i didnt clarify cos its such a long story. He tells me he loves me he wants to marry me etc he flirts says he wants to meet up then.... He goes cold. He twists things and confuses me... I get upset we row... Especially if i confront him. He avoids answering my questions about whats going on. Gets angry if i talk to another man even just a friend, so i feel i shouldnt do that and that we are actually together. Then he goes lovely again and the cycle repeats.

In a nutshell, making me think were together then going 'im single i can do what i want' then emotionally punishing me for confronting him. At contact he will be lovely and smile and say lovely things then next day hes like a cold stranger. But he doesnt want me to be with anyone else.

I wish it was as simple as 'just letting go' and just cutting off feelings sad

clam Sun 09-Mar-14 21:23:41

Oh fgs, I couldn't be doing with all that nonsense. Why don't you throw him into touch and learn how to be happy on your own for a while. Then look for someone who doesn't play all these stupid games and treats you with respect.
Tough as it sounds, it you don't 'just let go' and 'cut off your feelings,' you're headed for a shedload more of this shit.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 09-Mar-14 21:27:06

It is as simple, and as difficult, as "just let go" and "cut off your feelings". What other choice is there? He's not a healthy partner for you (or anyone, by the sound of it). Just think how peaceful life would be without all this SHIT.

tribpot Sun 09-Mar-14 21:27:20

But it is as simple as that.

You aren't together. He treats you like crap. All the being jealous bollocks is just to keep you in this dysfunctional loop and stop you from having enough time to reflect on the fact that this guy is an abusive prick who you should have nothing whatsoever to do with.

Stop feeding his ego, chasing after these little scraps he throws down for you. You aren't together. Even if you were, you are entitled to have any friend you want.

He's kicking you around for the hell of it. You're extraordinarily vulnerable with a new baby and the beginnings of PND. Please put him out of your mind to focus on yourself; let someone else do the handover or supervise his contact visits - for a small baby presumably they aren't very long visits. You should not have contact with this man.

Cabrinha Sun 09-Mar-14 22:29:39

You don't know whether you're coming or going.
Love, at least part if not all of your depression is THIS MAN.
Please talk to your health visitor or your GP about the abusive relationship that you are in - because you are.
You need support to understand why you're accepting this,
But something has gone wrong for you, maybe in the relationships you grew up with, for you to still have emotions for you. He is nasty, and he is treating you like shit.
You need to get over whatever it is in YOU that makes you accept that. As others have said - it is simple. But hard.

Fairenuff Sun 09-Mar-14 23:06:45

Is he your ex or not? confused

honey86 Sun 09-Mar-14 23:59:28

Ive hardly spoke to him today, only abruptly answered a question about ds. Its so hard when he goes into the lovely guy side not to be sucked in again.
I think its a deep seated fear of being alone again. My other kids dad died and everytime since ive been ditched lied to and cheated on.i thought he was my chance of happiness and now thats gone to shit and i have another baby (his behaviour changed once i was already preg), i feel like thats it- noones going to want to bother with all that 'baggage' so they call it. And im struggling to stop thinking like that- my depression makes it harder.

I know it all sounds so pathetic, i was so strong and like 'fuck him' mentality when i was preg but i seem to have lost that somehow... I dont know what happened there... confusedsad

Logg1e Mon 10-Mar-14 05:29:30

Is this man your ex or your boyfriend?

Lweji Mon 10-Mar-14 06:35:22

You must stop this drama.
You know he's not the one for you, so ground rules and boundaries. If they are broken, go supervised, limit contact time or cut it.
As the baby is small the consequences of going no contact for a while are minimal.

tallskinnylatte Mon 10-Mar-14 06:51:01

You've had an awful time and I'm so sorry to hear about your previous partner. Any relationship you have with your ex is an abusive one- it doesn't have to be about physical violence, but you need to recognise that his 'nice' side is just part of a cycle of abuse which you need to get out of- try and keep this in mind when he's trying to manipulate you. You need to talk to your Health Visitor and GP about this and your PND. Womens Aid may also be helpful.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Mar-14 06:56:45

Detaching from someone you've previously been close to isn't easy at all, but you can make it a little less traumatic for yourself if you stay completely out of contact. Talking to him you can kid yourself everything's normal when it isn't, so communicate about your child via e-mail and text only. Distance.

On the other side of the equation, be busy and don't be alone. Be with people who actually like you & do things that make you happy and keep your mind occupied rather than dwelling and obsessing. If you suffer from depression, do keep talking to your GP and make sure your medication is appropriate and up to date. Good luck

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