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Bumped into ex at a party, he's bothered me.(76 Posts)
NCing in case this outs me.
I was at a dinner party thing at a restaurant on Friday where there was a get together with our group from the athletics club from uni (from years ago, some of us haven't seen each other for many years so it was a sort of reunion).
I knew my ex would be there, history is we had a relationship that dragged out over about two years - were seeing each other, then were together officially for 9 months for a very highs-then-lows type relationship, he was cruel and subtly crushed my self confidence, we broke up (I was devastated), 6 months later I had moved on, this made him interested again, we got back together for another 6 months <head desk>. It had a very different dynamic second time, I wasn't happy with him, didn't like the person he was at all, but stayed 6 months because I didn't want to have wasted 2 years of my life and have no relationship to show for it after all the pain, stupid I know. Eventually I came to my senses and we broke up for good. Minimal contact. I got a little part time job in a hotel during my degree. Bumped into him a year later, chit chat, said I was also working in a hotel, he asked me if I was the cleaner, I said no, thought to myself "weird thing to say", carried on with my day.
This was 8 years ago! A year later I met my wonderful partner, relationship is fantastic, happy, respectful, caring and supportive, all the things that it should be (and my last one wasn't).
Ex graduated and went back to uni for a second degree, I graduated and got a job with an energy company. Bumped into ex a few years later, did the pleasantries etc, he asked what I was up to with work I said I got a job with an energy company, he said "so you go for to door with a clipboard and try and sell people electricity" I was a bit but said no and explained my (very different) job, asked about his degree etc. All dandy.
So, went to this party on Friday, he was there again, not seen him for about 5 years. I have recently just got a job I'm thrilled about. I was sitting chatting to my friend, he came over to say hello, how's things etc. He's now finished uni and working, talked about that, then he said "so are you still working in that hotel then?".
I know this probably really stupid, but he has really, really annoyed me. I've actually struggled to think of anything else for the last few days. Is he being purposefully condescending and trying to put me down? Or does the fact that it has bothered me so much say more about me?
I know people have worse things to deal with on this board, but can sometime please tell me if I have lost all perspective on this?
He has his perception of you. And it's obviously he doesn't see your real worth or your real capabilities. In one way, he's entitled to his perception of you, no matter how flawed it is. I'm sure that part of the reason you broke up was because he didn't see the best in you, he seems (from what I'm reading here) almost want/need you to be quite mediocre and not to have progressed or succeeded.
Leave him to his erroneous perceptions. Why does he need to believe you are still a cleaner in a hotel?!!!!
I would have said something like "sorry but, who are you?"
Or even, "no I don't work in that hotel anymore, but gosh, you seem to be the same wanker from back then!"
Be grateful you didnt stay with him, as he would always have viewed you as of less worth than him. People like that need to put others down to make themselves feel good.
Where you the one that finished the relationship for good by any chance?
Do you always stay polite when someone repeatedly puts you down ?
You are a better person than I am
I would have retorted "and you think your opinion is remotely important to me ?"
I think he hasn't got over the fact that you dumped him and he's trying to put you down! I reckon you are his "the one that got away"!
He's a dick head and just trying to belittle you. Just be grateful your his 'The one that got away' and not his wife. Don't waste anymore time letting him upset you. You know your life is wonderful and your happy. I think if I bumped into him ever again I'd be tempted to say "Oh I'm sorry I don't seem to be able to place you, have we met before" you could always add "My Gosh you look a totally different person now your fat/bald/looking old (delete as appropriate)"
AF I have to admit that my first thought to "so are you still working in that hotel then?" would be to respond with
[fake sympathetic head tilt] "Aww bless....would it make you feel better if I did?!"
Random I think you are right about him not getting over being dumped but not because she got away. I think its because people like him dont get dumped, how dare she kick him to the kerb when clearly he was the best thing that could ever have happened to her and was so much better than her? He is the dumper not the dumpee!
I think he needs to put her down in order to fulfill his idea that she is stupid and pathetic, otherwise she would never have gotten rid of such a prize as he!
bogeyface gives the best reply there.
'aw, is that what you think? no no no, onwards and upwards! I'm doing well now thank you. Send your CV to my secretary if you're in between jobs and I'll see if we can do something for you"
Oh, I think that's calculated to wind you up/put you down. I don't think he's just being dim- that's deliberate.
XP and I were at uni together- a v good university. I kicked his ass academically. Years later we are a couple, he has a good job, and he's introducing me to his new workmates. One says "didn't you meet at university?" XP jumps in and says in front of about ten people, "Yeah, she worked in the canteen. It was great- she used to give me extra chips." And then changed the subject so quite a few people didn't know whether he was being serious or not. Absolutely deliberate.
Your response, OP, should have been, "Did you eventually get a job then?"
His problem. His ever so delicate ego needs these boosts that he is providing by putting you down.
Concentrate on your own Life because his is clearly not worth the head space. If he was living a Life that was worth anyone's head space he wouldn't be such a wanker.
It's sooooo easy though to think of a clever retort after the event
Op, I think you need to cultivate your inner Bitch a bit more
I'm afraid I didn't handle it as well as I wish I did, I gave a look and then snapped "eh, yeah, I'm still working in the same part-time job that I did at uni, 7 years later", quite sarcastically, then told him what I did do now.
I hate that I reacted like that, it's partly why I keep replaying it in my head and getting more annoyed at myself.
It annoyed me at the time because I thought "you know I don't work there anymore because you made a snidey remark about the job I had after it" (didn't say this bit aloud obviously) and that's why I reacted. I do wish I hadn't, now he'll know he bothered me, or he will just think I'm rude. Gah.
LizCurly, that's a good way to think about it, than you.
AF sadly I can think of them at the time, there is areason most people can't, its self defence! I wish I didnt have the ability to have a smart mouth at people like that, it has had me punched in the face once, blanked in the school yard and chucked out of several bars
sic tbh he probably forgot about your other job because he doesnt actually give a toss what you do, he just wants to put you down.
Dont give the wanker headspace, but AF has a point about finding your inner bitch. Perhaps a nice head tossy laugh with "OMG are you still obsessed? Its been years....get over me! Ha ha haaa!"
Cross posted with loads there, thanks for the replies! I was worried you'd all tell me to wind my neck in.
Bogeyface that would have been a brilliant reply! Damn, I wish I'd said that, if ever there is a next time!
He may be thinking 'ha, I can still wind her up' but he kind of loses the right to feel superior that you reacted with irritation because he chose to wind you up.
When we broke up the second time it was me, though I didn't handle that well either <slaps self> I got drunk at a party and told him I hated him and everything about him and didn't want to go out anymore, then the next day tried to apologise.
A year later, when he found out I had met DP, he then came sniffing round again, which obviously I saw straight through and was having none of it.
He has a fiancée now, they got engaged a few months after DP and I did (don't read anything into the timing though, I don't even think he would have known), his fiancée seems lovely, I hope he is kind to her because I'd hate to think of someone else feeling how I did back then.
He sounds like such a dick.
Do you think you will bump into him again?
If so, have some well rehearsed put down ready.
The problem is you've spent a whole weekend now being cross about someone you dumped years ago for being a dickhead.
Repeat the following: he is a cock, now where's my wine x 10 and don't give him and his cunty comments another second of your time.
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