Any Advice Appreciated. (Wall of Text Warning)(12 Posts)
This might seem a bit all over the place but basically my Mum had been with my step-dad for over 10 years and married for 2. They've got 3 children together (my half brothers) and me and my other brother from when she was with our dad.
They've had they're ups and sown but over the last 3 or so years it seems my mum is just getting more and more ratty and fed up with my step-dad. They seem to row (more my mum getting angry and upset) it seems every other week and it can be ongoing sometimes for ages.
Now, Whats happened in recent years is that my step-dad got into some issues with a couple who lived down the road over a land dispute. When we realised that he didn't really have a leg to stand on and that this private road was owned by the couple, my mum wanted my step-dad to just quit there and then, but he is VERY stubborn and VERY childish and doesn't like to "Give In".
So he carried on with the court cases, costs mounting up etc.. It cased chaos and a lot of upset in the house for well over a year. When he lost the case it was really bad after that too because he's got to now pay back in installments all the thousands he now owes, and he gets really depressed over it because he's had to sell his American classic cars and struggles to fund his drag racing.
Now, leading on to the drag racing. It's very costly and he just about scrapes by trying to do it but he's spent so much money fixing the car, building a recovery truck to tow it that isn't even completed yet, and my mum just keeps getting angrier and moaning to him more and more saying that he cant really afford it, he should be spending his money on the children and spending time with them on the weekends. He works as a self employed builder travelling 80 miles every week day and then a lot of weekends he goes to his mates in wales (6 hours journey) to get the car and pickup fixed/made.
She feels that she works full time at the school, then comes home and does all the housework, cooks dinner and makes step-dad dinner when he gets in and he doesn't do anything.
She gets housekeeping money from him and about £20 for each kids birthdays and Christmas, but she says everything else she pays for.
Now the most recent issue is today she gets a phone call from him in Wales saying that he's slipped over and done his knee in. He's 57, coming up 58 and has needed a knee op for ages but the hospital told him to wait as long as possible because he was young.
He went to the hospital and they've told him his knee is just so bad it's riddled with arthritis.
Now my mum is upset because she says he wont be able to work and she'll have to support him and the house 100% and he wont do a single thing.
Just to put things in to perspective, My mum is a very clean person.. my step-dad hardly ever cleans up after himself.. at least not to a very good standard. He can hardly cook for himself, he can manage a microwave just and fried eggs/omelette.
He can't come to terms with giving money to the couple that won the court case and feels like they've stole it from him. If he gets overly wound up he is known to smash things up in the house and have a huge tantrum. He can be nice and when mum and him are getting on good everything is fine and dandy. But mum is very very sensitive and can get overly annoyed sometimes with things that aren't that bad.
She's been upset today over the issue, but I cannot handle stress and arguments very well and Hate always being dragged in it, but I'd like to find out some others opinions on this, any advice appreciated.
Sorry for the waffle.
The only thing I can say is that I feel amazingly sorry for your mum having to live with such a total arse of a man!
Does she want to stay with him? She doesn't have to.
The land dispute stuff...God almighty, what a PRICK he sounds! Talk about neighbour from hell!
When they are getting on she fine and they are all good together, but all the times shes mad, angry, upset with him, she often tells me, my nan (Her mum) and others in the family that she only really stays with him for the kids and to not cause upset and upheaval like what happened before when me and my brother were young.
I really don't know fully how she feels on the issue, she was fine before the call today and when he goes away she always says how lovely it is to have the bed to herself over the weekend.
Seems when things are good its fine and when things aren't she hates him.
Your dm sounds like a saint! I'm not sure what she's getting out of this relationship except grief. If I was you I'd be telling my dm that I supported her whatever she wanted to do.
To me it's just so up and down all the time it's hard to keep up and it's very exhausting. There's not much I feel I can do but I always seem to be the one trying to get him to calm down or talk to her so she can get things off her chest and feel better. And it's really hard bause sometimes when me and my brother think she might be being a little oversensitive over an issue and try to make her see that she then turns on us and says everyone is just taking him side then we get it in the ear. (In 95% of cases though it is usually him that's the one in the wrong)
He sounds like a Gobshite and a cocklodger.
I have told her in the past when things were very bad that she's gotta do what she feels is best. She has looked at houses to rent multiple times in the past, but more recently she has been saying that she won't be kicked out the house if anything happened.
I think you can't do anything about your mother's relationship and it is not fair to drag you into it.
And she sounds like someone who is not good at choosing her partners with a certain addiction to drama.
She was married to my dad for years but then she found out in the end he was seeing other women and calling up chat lines.
It's very hard not to get pulled in to the situation as I'm the only other female in the household and the oldest. I'm 25 and my mum and me are close. My other brother is away at uni and the other brothers are all 10 and under. I hate arguing so much and try to avoid it at all costs. I try to put a hard face on and act like "I'm not worried so don't be worried about it" kind of thing but really inside I feel like I'm trying to run away from it all, and I don't feel there is any way for me to help in the situation. I just want to stay away from it.
if your step-dad is 57 a builder and now with knee op. he won't be able to earn much money.
I think she needs to sit him down and discuss finances.
I think once she is tough on finances he will go either way - perhaps agreeing with hr to sort out his court fees and giving her more money by cutting down on his hobbies or more likely he would again try to be in charge of his finances as up until now.
But now he won't have much for a few weeks or even months.
He would expect her to drive him to hospital etc.
hard to say what else you can tell her that she doesn't know already.
My mother has been complaining about my father for 47 years.
Tune it out, love. You don't need that shit.
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