Oh FFS

[Rooners]

I'm just venting.

ds's father was meant to see him last week. He rang when hewas already late saying his car wouldn't start. We had to go out, I had to take ds with us though there wasn't enough room in the car as I was collecting a piece of furniture. Brilliant.

Anyway I said I'd call when we got back so I did, he was going to come round then, but went on and on about the car on the phone and decided he was going to fix that instead...he said he could come this weekend though, Sunday teatime was agreed.

No word till about an hour ago - I got a very vague voicemail saying that he would love to see ds during the week, but not actually saying he wasn't coming today, so I sent a text back saying I couldn't understand and was he not coming?

Text back from him saying no, he can't make it though he came round this morning well that's f-ing great, because we didn't expect him then, and had gone swimming.

He's such a CUNT.

I really feel like fucking him off totally. I told ds he wasn't coming, ds just rolled his eyes. He doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

[Rooners]

Oh just got another message.

Misunderstanding apparently, they left where they were staying super early to 'get the morning slot' ie see ds this morning so they could do something else later?

Well that might have worked if I had fucking KNOWN about it

This is too typical.

[EdithWeston]

Vent away!

It sounds like he's being an utter arse.

(When the claimed excuse is car trouble, you can't kick up a fuss in RL because sod's law says the time you do will be the time it's real).

Have you cheered your DS up? Is there something nice you can do with him?

[Rooners]

Ds is Ok, I think, he's out on the trampoline with ds2. Thanks for replying. I could use perspective before I go nuts at this bloke.

We had a great time swimming.

The basic problem is his dad just doesn't want to see him, so really, it's probably best if we stop. Just feel sorry for ds either way.

[ohfourfoxache]

Aw, well that's nice of him, leaving super early and all that

As Edith says, vent away love Sounds like you had a chuffing lucky escape

[Optimist1]

Not sure how old your DS is, but it sounds as though he's got the measure of his dad. He's had a good morning swimming and a bouncy little bro and a terrific mum, though, so he's doing pretty well.

[Rooners]

Yes he's a twat. Thank you for allowing me to say this. It feels very good tbh

I sent back a message saying 'you have lost me totally, were expecting you this afternoon'.

No response

He's with his wife. That's why. He likes to keep all his dealings separate. He will have lied to her about the arrangement, to keep his options open.

[Rooners]

Thank you Optimist - that's very kind of you to say so. He is 10 and brilliant.

I'm glad he didn't know his dad till he was 7 tbh.

[Rooners]

Would I be unreasonable just to stop contact? It has never been court ordered.

We just started it a few years ago but he has let ds down an awful lot in that time.

Ds just thinks it's shit.

Last time he came was January and he was pissed from the night before. He has not denied this when it was mentioned the other week.

He barely spoke to ds the whole time he was here.

February we told him we were busy as ds couldn't be bothered.

March he can't get here, then just decides not to see ds when I offered to bring him there/meet ex somewhere neutral etc.

Now today's mullarkey.

He isn't fucking interested is he?

[ImperialBlether]

On the basis of this: "He barely spoke to ds the whole time he was here." I wouldn't make any arrangements with him.

[tribpot]

I just wouldn't try and arrange any more contact. Your ds can't possibly be getting anything out of it, and is clearly old enough to have realised his dad is a waste of space.

[Rooners]

Yes it is pointless isn't it. I have been super nice both when asking him if he would mind, possibly, being sober when he comes next time, and when he rang to say he couldn't make it, and so on and so forth.

He is treating me like shit, and ds like he doesn't even exist.

All this man wants is someone to listen to him rattle on.

I have actually had enough. On my behalf and on that of ds.

I will consult ds of course. But as far as I'm concerned it's over.

[Rooners]

All ex is trying to do is save face so we don't think he's a complete tosser.

But he knows he is, and we both know he is, so there's no point pretending otherwise.

Thanks guys. I know what to do now.

[mammadiggingdeep]

I think it's best to have no contact than 'arrange it then let down' type of contact.

Sounds like your ds still had a great day, thanks to you

[FabBakerGirl]

Do you believe him when he says he came this morning? Or if he is a WOS isn't it more likely he knew you'd be out but thought he would guilt trip you instead? Maybe I am cynical.

[SpinningFates]

Sounds like you have made your mind up! You are doing a brilliant job with your DS. He doesn't need a twat of a father when he got a great Mum like you.

[Doha]

If he wants contact that badly let him take you to court--l don't think he would bother. Your DS can see him for what he is and if he is not bothered and he knows that you have not obstructed contact l would let it go.

[Rooners]

I'm not that great really - honestly - but he makes me seem great iyswim! Poor old ds.

Fab, I do believe he drove past but I suspect he told his wife that it was meant to be this morning, when he knew full well it was arranged for this afternoon. If it had been for this am, he would have come at 10 not 11 and he would have let me know, but I'd heard nothing since we said 'teatime next sunday' last sunday morning.

I think he was texting me earlier with her present, that was why it was such a load of balls, he's clearly told her it was arranged for earlier, and so she will think it was my fault. Tosser.

We've not had a 'turn up on spec' situation for as long as I can remember.

No idea what he is playing at.
I realised earlier that I am always enabling him, recently, and it's got to stop - the nicer I am the more he walks all over us.

It's patently clear he doesn't want to come, but why, I don't know. All I can do is react assertively when he behaves like a dick, and I am angry, and he will know it.

Sad thing is he is probably trying to wind me up so that I tell him to get lost, then he can play the victim again - he is all about 'oh poor me, I am never with my children'.

He has zero insight.

[Rooners]

This is it though Doha - at the moment I feel like obstructing it, just to stop this faffing about every time. I've talked to him again ahd again, he's promised not to be drunk any more, he's promised this and that and he can't stick to it. It does no good.

If it were me, and he was my boyfriend/husband, I would go no contact. But because it's ds's dad, I am a bit worried about doing that.

He would never go to court. He would run the other way rather than go to court, BUT I don't want it to me my fault if their relationship is broken. Not sure what my next step is. I can be angry, and tell him we can't go on like this, but what I actually suggest we do is beyond me.

[Bogeyface]

I wouldnt do anything.

If your DS is ok with no contact then just stop replying to his messages. As you said, he doesnt care enough to make any effort, so you dont make any either.

If he really wants to see DS then he will go to court, but we all know that that wont happen.

[Rooners]

Yes, well I think I will reply but when he says 'can I see ds on sunday' which he does about once a month (unless he has forgotten/has a festival to go to/ etc)I can just say, sorry, bit busy at the moment. Maybe next time.

And he doesn't usually reply to that. It might get to the point of confrontation after a few months but I don't know really if he would bother or not. It's just he introduced ds to his mum last year and so she will be expecting some contact at some point.

Again he will be working on saving face to all and sundry while maintaining minimum input.

[Spiritedwolf]

I suppose it depends how hold DS, but I think I'd just not try and arrange anything, and if he contacted about a specific date & time I'd ask DS if he wanted to go and decline if he didn't.

[FabBakerGirl]

I think you need to ask DS what he wants.

Carry on as things are but be prepared for his "father" not showing up most of the time.

Going to court to force the issue as a child has a right to a father.

Tell your ex to bog off.

[Theoldhag]

Oh rooners your poor ds, what a shit his dad is. Your lovely ds deserves not to be treated like this. It is soul destroying for a child to be continuously reflected by one of the people that should be there for them.

I think that you should just get on with your lives without this fickle man involved.

It is so hard isn't it? for you, you are a wonderful and strong mum, your ds is lucky that he has you.

I always believe that a dad will choose to be the dad he wants to be and the children will make their own minds up based on actions and not just worthless words.

A glass of wine for you and a hug for your ds

[deakymom]

i had one of those he claimed he turned up we had waited for an hour then gone to the park then his wife rang to say he was coming so i walked back (we lived around the corner) put a note on the door and went back to the park he never showed up told his wife he did but my neighbours were outside all afternoon they know him and he did not show up so i stopped telling my daughter he was coming i told him to be there on a friday at 3pm at the school and i collected her anyway i booked swimming lessons for her and he never knew and they were at the same time he was supposed to be seeing her he even told people i was taking her over to him his friend told me off for taking her up to his grotty flat a few miles walk away i was bemused by it i pointed out to him i would never traipse my three year old several miles there and back (i cant drive) when he is capable of coming to see her

just dont bother making arrangements with him dont tell your son either if he says he is going to show up let him be a surprise my ex hasn't seen his daughter for over ten years now she really doesn't care

[Bogeyface]

Do you think that his mum would be a good grandparent to DS?

If so perhaps it might be worth waiting a few months and seeing how it goes and then contacting her yourself to say that sadly his father isnt interested but you would be happy for her to visit DS when she would like to see him.