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Difficulties with DH - due to family of origin issues

(5 Posts)
sadmummy1 Sun 09-Mar-14 11:12:48

Our marriage is in a difficult place at the moment and has been for a while

I think we aren't communicating properly and haven't been for a while

We have had some tough stuff going on and I think I have been left to be the one who feels the emotion while DH has shut down, letting me do the emotional work for both of us.

Does that sound like a plausible theory?
I think there are other factors going on too but I think this is a large part of it

I think he was brought up in a family where no one discussed issues or emotions, things were denied and swept under the carpet
There have been some things which I have seen and mentioned and been shot down for it which I found very hard to deal with - but I'm realising this was because it went against the family culture of not acknowledging very much openly

Does this make sense as a theory?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Mar-14 11:37:49

Possibly. But upbringing can only excuse so much. Part of the process of developing into a mature & functioning adult is that we find our own, better ways of dealing with things rather than being a carbon copy of poor examples set by parents. 'Shooting you down' you see is not acceptable. If he finds it tough to talk about certain things, he's allowed to articulate that certainly. But he's not allowed to go on the offensive, withdraw or tell you what to say, do or feel

Lweji Sun 09-Mar-14 11:42:28

It's difficult to say from this side. It is possible that he felt the way you said it as a personal attack.
Or he may think you are making mountains out of molehills.

Have you considered some counselling to find better ways of talking about and dealing with issues in your relationship?

sadmummy1 Sun 09-Mar-14 11:50:38

Ah no I was shot down by his family, didn't explain clearly sorry
You are right this explains what is going on a bit but there is also the bit to do with becoming a mature functioning adult
Thanks for answers it has helped clarify my thinking

Nomama Sun 09-Mar-14 13:19:26

When OH and I first met I was constantly sniped at by his family. I was domineering, wouldn't let him do what he wanted to do, simply didn't understand how to treat him. That translated into, I was giving him room to be himself rather than the version of him they had built.

I was also very ill for a 2- 3 of years - during most of which I continued to work full time but couldn't stay awake long enough to socialise, so he went alone. That made me lazy and/or a snotty cow.

Like your OH mine was also very reluctant to discuss anything that might mean feelings and emotions would be looked at. It was really difficult at first. But I was always supported by him, if and when he noticed, which, to be honest he often did not. I held onto a lot of it but eventually sat him down and explained how it all made me feel.

He did understand what I meant, he did see my point of view, but it took a while before he could act on it. He is still useless at communication, which causes some very shouty rows, but we both recognise the pattern now and can, eventually, discuss just about everything.

It can take years, sorry. But it is very possible to get better at communicating.

Good luck.

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