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DH won't forget this comment

(24 Posts)
bothfeet Sun 09-Mar-14 10:42:08

and he keeps bringing it up. It's quite bad. After our wedding a long-standing friend of mine told me that she was standing next to my mother during the speeches. My mother apparently turned to her and exclaimed Bill, Bill! It should be Bill up there! (Bill is an ex of mine who I was with for about 1 year, 12 years ago. They met him on two or three occasions). The friend has form for being very scatty and has said some very strange things before. Anyway, like a complete idiot I told DH what she said and he has never forgiven her.

My mother is nearly 80 and not toxic in any way, although she definitely has her faults. There is no way she would be so incredibly crass as to say something like that, to a friend of mine, during my wedding speeches. She has never ever mentioned him to me since we split up (he treated me very badly). She is a kind person and my happiness is about her biggest concern. She just wouldn't. Also, on the two occasions that my friend has brought it up, she has attributed different words to my DM. DH and I have just had another row about this, because I currently have a slight issue with his mother and he brought it up.

sad

Nomama Sun 09-Mar-14 10:45:03

Shout:

FFS, scatty mate said it, not my mother. Grow up, get over it, I love YOU! I told you because I was secure enough and trusted you enough to tell you. I love YOU!

Then step back...

Lweji Sun 09-Mar-14 10:48:09

Does he divert discussions often?
I don't think it's a problem with your friend, your mother, or the comment.
It's about him not discussing your issue with his mother.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Mar-14 11:01:29

He sounds very petty to hold a grudge. How long have you been married?

bothfeet Sun 09-Mar-14 11:08:38

We got married about 12 months ago. He thinks my parents don't approve of him which isn't true, they don't interfere in my life. But they are quite old and my mother witters on horrendously, while he is not good at small talk. Medical professionals have mentioned aspergers.

Lweji Sun 09-Mar-14 11:20:15

Forget for a second about your mother and him. What is the issue with his mother and does he divert discussions often?

clam Sun 09-Mar-14 11:21:15

Maybe your mother has a point?

<<runs away>>

Lweji Sun 09-Mar-14 11:21:43

Not only has he succeeded in diverting your attention from the issue with his mother in your discussion, but also in your mind.
Unless he mentions that comment all the time when you are not fighting, I don't think it's about the comment. It's something to beat you with when he's not happy.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 09-Mar-14 14:27:30

Feel sorry for you, how many times must you have wished you'd never mentioned it.

(Aside from wondering what your long-standing friend was playing at, I too wonder what the issue with MIL is?).
However, regarding this thread, NoMama gave you a good answer, and I agree with the rest, it's become a useful distraction, and serves to keep you on the back foot, while avoiding the MIL problem. I don't seriosuly think your DH is truly bothered about a person you dated 12 years' ago, nor the unlikely scene of your mum declaiming at your reception, do you?

bothfeet Sun 09-Mar-14 15:43:41

I'm absolutely certain he has done this because he doesn't want to deal with the impact his mother has - and I have told him so.

I have no idea what my friend was playing at - I would like to think it wasn't malicious. She does have a reputation for being very tactless but even so, it's hard to stretch it that far.

OwlCapone Sun 09-Mar-14 15:50:23

To be fair, it must be pretty shitty for him to have been told your mother apparently thinks he is second best. Is he just meant to forget about it?

BookABooSue Sun 09-Mar-14 16:10:19

Hmm, after we were married and had dcs, my MIL turned round to dh and told him she preferred a previous girlfriend! Dh told me about it and I was a bit hmm. However I've never held it against dh or brought it back up. It's one of a long line of problems with MIL and it has made me wary of her. When an external person is trying to create a problem in your relationship, why would you let them?!

Its difficult to tell if your dh is deflecting without knowing your problems with your MIL ie if your problem with his dm is similar to his issue with your dm (they have both said something inappropriate) then I could see why that would prompt him to mention your dm.

If your problem with his dm is unrelated then don't let him divert attention from the issue at hand.

bothfeet Sun 09-Mar-14 16:22:34

I agree, Owl that it's not a nice thing to hear. Like all the most annoying things, there is also some truth in it. My parents like DH but they find him a bit unpalatable - he's not really the affable type, he's quite serious and intense. He also finds it very difficult to deal with his family who are all a bit of a nightmare.

OwlCapone Sun 09-Mar-14 16:48:30

I just think it's a little unreasonable to expect him to just get over it. Could you have simply forgotten it had his mother (allegedly) said it about you? I don't think I could and I suspect it would be the sort of thing I may bring up again in disagreements about respective parents unless it had been properly dealt with.

bothfeet Sun 09-Mar-14 17:17:56

Owl I don't expect him to get over it but I don't believe it was said. I also expect him to be able to deal with a much more serious issue, i.e. one that concerns the DC, with MIL without using it as ammunition. He knows he's not everyone's cup of tea. Plus, his own parents asked us to bring the speeches forward because they wanted to go, because (as I read in a letter that was shown to me at a later date) they 'thought it was best'. I mean, that's a kick in the teeth right there!

Olddear Sun 09-Mar-14 17:35:06

don't allow him to railroad you and getting into the conversation about a remark you're pretty sure your mother didn't make. If, when you start to discuss the problem with the MIL, he tries to bring up you're mothers remark say 'I'll discuss that with you yet again later, but right now, we're sorting this out' and don't allow yourself to be distracted from what you want to say.

Lweji Sun 09-Mar-14 17:56:38

Have you managed to finish the discussion about MIL?

Seriously, forget about the comment, stop concentrating on it, and pay attention instead when he brings it up and why.

OwlCapone Sun 09-Mar-14 19:07:40

I don't believe it was said

But it was said - by you to him. It's one thing to know you're difficult to get along with and quite another to be told your MIL apparently thinks your wife should have married someone else. In fact, knowing the first would probably make the second seem more likely in your mind. Your thread title complains about the fact that he won't forget it - it's kind of a big thing to forget after about 12 months!

I just think every one here is being really harsh on him. Maybe he feels the issue was never properly addressed and dealt with and I bet he knows they find him "unpalatable"

I actually feel sorry for him.

bothfeet Sun 09-Mar-14 19:09:27

Well he has just apologised but I'm not sure what for. I don't think we will ever get to the bottom of the 'comment'. This same friend once referred to my mother as a 'cardigan-wearing fascist' so maybe she just has it in for her.

MamaPain Sun 09-Mar-14 19:19:27

Sorry cardigan wearing facist is LOL.

I personally wouldn't give a shit about what your mother said when it seems his parents have said much worse.

Does your DH tend to fixate on things?

Floggingmolly Sun 09-Mar-14 19:22:40

Why are you wondering what your friend was playing at? You're the one that saw fit to pass that particular little gem in to your DH; what were you playing at?
How would you have taken it?

bothfeet Sun 09-Mar-14 20:04:23

I suppose flogging when I told him, i thought it was so ridiculous it was funny, and also I suppose just processing it myself and so sharing it with him as I did. Definitely an error.

TBH, i don't believe he cares, we have been through much, much more serious situations and he hasn't flinched, so I don't really believe he cares about stuff like that, I think it has made him not particularly like my parents though.

mama I know, was funny, and did laugh at the time grin

Hissy Sun 09-Mar-14 20:19:45

How long have you known your DH?

I only ask because this fixation on something that's nothing you did, but is embarrassing or inconvenient and raking over and over is an abusers trait.

Tell your H to drop it. Once and for all, or you'll happily grant him the divorce she so clearly thinks he needs.

I bet you could rake over his life and torture him if you wanted to. Tell him it's not happening again, or he can put his money where his mouth is and fuck off.

Hissy Sun 09-Mar-14 20:20:13

Sorry! HE not she!

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