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somethings always been off key

(35 Posts)
itiswhatitisnow Sun 09-Mar-14 09:12:17

please can you help me address something. ive always felt my marriage has missed something. ive tried to remain positive, ive tried to overcome arguments and such like but the feling remains. my husband is not a good communicator. he doesnt believe things need to be talked about. if he wants to do something he rarely discusses it with me. this goes for financial decisions too. if he wanted to start a business he would tell me about that, not ask for my opinion or aceptance but probably talk it through with me as he was planning it. regarding the finances of such an operation he would classify that 'as my money so its my risk,' even though if it fails it will affect us all. this is how he thinks. he even says things like, 'i changed my mortgage last week.' that is so strange to me because it essentially means the house is his. he pays all the bills and i pay for food and stuff for the kids. there is no discusion about what money is going where. there is no discussion about my excess money to pay towards finishing the mortgage early. nothing. he wants to pay for everything but i feel it is because he essentially wants to own everything. in addition to this and owing to the lack of communication about sometimes very important things i feel like im just travelling through life as his 'helper' in the sense that he wants his partner next to him. if i have a conversation with him about something the next week he wont remember what i told him so theres always a disjoint. yet if i speak to a girlfriend she will say oh yeah and what happened next. im aware men and woman are different and no i dont want my husband to act like a woman but this just isnt a marriage. nothing feels right. he could actually be married to anyone. he told me once men just need regular sex. what a charmer. has anyone else had the same experience. weve been married 6 years and have 2 children.

JeanSeberg Sun 09-Mar-14 09:17:59

Sounds miserable. Do you get anything positive out of this relationship?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 09-Mar-14 09:23:23

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from the two of you?. Do you really want to show them this awful sounding model of a relationship?.

It sounds disconnected because it actually is. Its all about what he says and wants, the rest of you are bit players in his life and are thus of no consequence. Your opinion to him does not matter a jot, he's not interested in what you say to him.

You've already had six years of this, the next six will likely be the same as well, such men like your H do not change.

itiswhatitisnow Sun 09-Mar-14 09:38:28

yes we had a row the other day he said 'just get on with it' the mindset is bizzarre to say the least the time has come to do something about it before my whole life disappears before my eyes

JeanSeberg Sun 09-Mar-14 09:42:15

Well done on deciding to make a change.

Some things you could do next:

- get a free half hour consultation with a divorce solicitor so you know your rights and what would happen in case of divorce

- get all the financial information together and work out a plan so you know what your future would look like if you split up

- tell your partner that you are seriously considering separating and see whether this initiates any kind of wake-up call

Would you consider counseling, either together or individually (or both)?

myroomisatip Sun 09-Mar-14 09:46:58

Your situation must be utterly depressing. You really do not matter to him at all do you?

I doubt he will change rather than lose you but I feel concerned about how he will react if/when you tell him you want to end your relationship.

Definitely get as much information as you can. And good luck.

itiswhatitisnow Sun 09-Mar-14 09:50:41

thanks so much for the advice i will start all this soon. to complicate matters we live in another country he is foreign i am a brit but we married in the uk

Amicus1966 Sun 09-Mar-14 10:02:35

Bloody Hell, I could have written this thread.
It completely floors you when you suddenly get that lightbulb realisation that he is sailing this ship alone and you and your DCs are mere passengers......and he doesn't care whether you stay on board or not as he has already set out his path. You come along for the ride or get off, makes no odds to him.

itiswhatitisnow Sun 09-Mar-14 10:06:49

yes amicus1966

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Mar-14 10:07:32

He's selfish, controlling and thinks women are unimportant. 'My mortgage' etc shows no regard for you, your opinion - no respect. He's not a team-player and doesn't regard you as equal partners in the relationship. Then again I'm completely taken aback by this bizarre idea that you don't want him to 'act like a woman'... (wtf?) ... which seems to suggest that you think that women are inferior to men anyway. If you believe that on any level, you've got serious problems

Millyblods Sun 09-Mar-14 10:33:04

What nationality is he OP?

EdithWeston Sun 09-Mar-14 10:38:22

"my husband is not a good communicator. he doesnt believe things need to be talked about"

This is the nub of the problem. After all, to take the current (no doubt tip of the iceberg) issue if he had said in advance 'I think we can get a better deal on the mortgage, so I'm going to change it so we have more disposable income' you wouldn't really have a problem when he came back and said he'd done it.

Money is a big issue. There's actually nothing wrong with one spouse 'running' the finances in the sense of day to day admin, but a lot wrong if it becomes about control and only one person really having a day in what the plans are.

But to get back to communication: I'm ready to bet that this is not limited to just money. Has there ever been a time when you believe you have communicated normally?

itiswhatitisnow Sun 09-Mar-14 10:50:16

cogitoergosometimes you have read my message a certain way and then see to criticise me - if you read the message properly what i said was my girlfriend responds a certain way 'as a woman' and a man wouldnt necessarily respond that way that is what i said! nobody mentioned inferiority jesus christ you come here for some support and advice and people just pick on things they think they read and criticise

Mrswellyboot Sun 09-Mar-14 10:56:00

I wouldn't like it. A family is a family and a home is a home. Not HIS home.

I would find out your rights but I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he is being selfish and you are not just going to 'get on with it' until you're more involved in any family decisions (including little ones as well as mortgages)

itiswhatitisnow Sun 09-Mar-14 11:01:18

millyblods he's african

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Mar-14 11:06:09

You said you didn't want your husband to act as a woman and I wondered what on earth that was supposed to mean? Sorry if I've struck a nerve

itiswhatitisnow Sun 09-Mar-14 11:08:05

no irgo you didnt strike a nerve you just criticised and read into something that was not even within my post

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Mar-14 11:12:20

But what exactly do you mean by 'act like a woman'? Currently he's acting like a woman-hating twat ... so maybe 'like a woman' would be a significant improvement.

BlueJean Sun 09-Mar-14 11:12:49

Well I read it the same way so the problem lies within both the way you wrote the sentence and also -more tellingly - the way you reacted so vehemently to a suggestion.

Maybe he refrains from taking over things with you because you react less than postoperatively to suggestions?

bragmatic Sun 09-Mar-14 11:15:41

Has it always been like this? What attracted you to him? How is he with the children? Has he changed dramatically since you met?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Mar-14 11:18:15

"he could actually be married to anyone. he told me once men just need regular sex. what a charmer"

He's telling you that you're simply there to provide sex. The children, the years and the wedding ring mean nothing. You've no say in anything. You mean nothing. This is not about men and women being different.

itiswhatitisnow Sun 09-Mar-14 11:22:54

oh jesus christ irgo can you give it a rest. this is not a debate about men and women being different yet you have somehow made the question so. please kindly stop responding

itiswhatitisnow Sun 09-Mar-14 11:26:23

let me rewrite what i meant to say before i get the third degree about whether i am a simple woman who cannot make decisions for herself. i said i talk to my gf and get a different response. i meant that it would be silly for me to expect my husband to respond that way because he is male not female. that is what i meant to convey in just that one sentence within the whole paragraph.

itiswhatitisnow Sun 09-Mar-14 11:28:28

bragmatic when i met him he actually a very kind and humble character. i have no idea what happened to be honest. time has snook up and here we are. some changes are underway anyhow ive had enough and dont want to waste any more of my time, or my life!

ListenToTheLady Sun 09-Mar-14 11:28:58

I think I understand what you meant OP. He doesn't respond to you and relate to you like a female friend does, but you clarified by saying you're not expecting him to morph into as replica of a female friend, it just makes you realise how deep his communication problems are because you have that to compare it to?

However I do think his problems may arise from him being deeply sexist. He just doesn't see you as an equal, someone who he wants to play any part in decision-making, responsibility or ownership. What would worry me is if he is one of those men who thinks that the children - even if he has little interest in them - belong to him too, and if you separate he will take them - so I would tread carefully, make sure you have your own and DC passports, do your research and try to sort a place to go and some kind of finance if that's possible.

I think you are right that this isn't a relationship/marriage in the sense that it should be.

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