urgent help needed please

[mumtopremie]

Today is the day I am going to stick to a decision about my marriage. My husband had an affair that lasted nine months, he fell in love with her. I threw him out when I found out, took him back, threw him out again and then took him back again. And now I've thrown him out again last week. I know I know....

the affair ended 9 months ago but I am struggling to see a light at the end of the tunnel where it doesn't take over my thoughts. It would have been so much easier if it had been a meaningless fling. Added on to that all his family knew about it and his sister even let them sleep together at her house.

I have always had problems with his family interfering and causing trouble. In fact it got so bad all communication with his family and myself has been cut off. Permanently. I will never speak to them again. Ive even had his sister physically attack me. And no he didn't fall out with her, in fact he is round there now. They just seem so intent on involving themselves with my marriage and causing as much trouble as they can. It causes no end of arguments.

He also has addiction problems with alcohol.

We have had a lot of problems together over the past 16 years but always had fidelity to hold on to which kept me with him and trying to build a good marriage. Now that's gone I'm not sure what I can hold on to on the dark days when I am full of sadness, anger and hurt.

If we add that on to the infidelity is it actually worth staying with this man. Are there too many issues and problems to try and work through. I cant keep putting myself and the kids through the upheaval of the splitting up all the time. Its time for all or nothing.

Should I just cut my losses and give up?????

Any advice will be gratefully welcomed

[Rooners]

Hi there. You poor thing. Yes, I'd give up - what on earth would be the point of staying with such a horrible man?

[fiorentina]

I think you know the answer but it is very hard to face the fact your marriage is over.

It will be very hard but follow your instinct and move onwards with your life. This relationship obviously isn't making you happy and you deserve better. Best of luck.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you probably know the answer to that question and it's 'cut your losses'. Everything you describe sounds utterly miserable. You've had a lot of problems in the past and the only good thing you can find to say about him is that he was faithful i.e. you had exclusivity for the crappy treatment rather than lots of other people. Which you think about it is not much of an accolade....

It can take several tries before you successfully ditch a lousy partner. Make this the final time perhaps? Strict no contact, tell people it's finally over, get support from those who actually like you and leave him to his booze and his dysfunctional family....

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Would also suggest you get some legal advice if you haven't already. Anything you can do that makes this more 'real' will help your resolve.

[hamptoncourt]

OP now is the time to stop making this all about him. You know all about him. He is a cheating rat with alcohol dependency issues. He condones his sister physically attacking you. You know all you need to know about him I think.

What you don't seem to know is all about you.

Why have you repeatedly taken him back?

What do you want from your life? Nobody would want him and the life you describe.

I suspect you have self esteem problems that may stem from this relationship or maybe long before then? Can you get counselling, just for yourself?

Does it feel odd to you to focus on yourself and your needs rather than getting yourself a PhD in him and his wants/issues/problems/behaviour? If so then you have been putting yourself on the backseat for long enough no?

Time to take back control of your life and leave him behind. Trust me, he will manage without you. And you will manage without him.

[antimatter]

From my own experience I know what help was to talk things through with people who knew me and I knew I could trust them to be listening to me.

Hope you have someone in RL to talk your worries and thoughts with.

BEing open and honest with anyone who asked helped too.

[copafeel]

are you both motivated to work out a solution

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What have you got out of this?

I would cut my losses as of now. You sound both codependent and enabling of this man and have done that at your own emotional expense over the years.

You've tried more than long enough and it all sounds thoroughly miserable and hard. Relationships should not be so hard honestly.

[Doha]

You and your Dc need stability and consistency in your lives and l don't think you can find it if you stay with your H to be honest.
please seriously consider exactly what you expect from him and your relationship. His family have enabled him, he goes running back to then every time. What is he actually wanting. Does he want to stay together, is he begging you to reconsider is he remorseful over the affair?

Unless there is transparency about what you both want and expect from each other this won't work. Give your self time and space from him to consider what you want long term but you need to make a decision once and for all , this yoyo ing about is not helping anyone

[FabBakerGirl]

I'd be calling a solicitor to file for divorce and the police to report your SIL for attacking you. Pack up all his stuff and tell him it is on the lawn and let his oh-so-loyal sister put him up. He has had more chances than he deserved and you are just making a mug of yourself to take him back.

[mumtopremie]

Thankyou for your responses. I am already in the process of divorce, but I wouldn't stop it until I thought we could move on and make it work. His clothes went with him in the week, funnily enough I did put them in the garden. I know we are wrong together, but I cant stand the thought of him moving on with someone else and starting a new family and being the person I wanted him to be with me. its the old I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him. Is this normal??? I mean why should he go on to happiness when he hasn't given it me or his children. What if I don't find someone else. I know all of this is irrational and shouldn't make a difference so why am I thinking this way.

I'm miserable with him, miserable without him. Long boring sunday on my own is helping!! Sends my mind into overdrive. I'm getting on own bloody nerves.

[EdithWeston]

"Is this normal?"

Yes, definitely.

You are finally moving away from not just the man he became, but also the man you thought he was and and could have been. Letting go of the 'if only' can be the hardest part. It's fine to mourn the good bits, and the ending of the possibility that they can now ever come to pass.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Definitely normal. Boredom and loneliness can make almost anything seem tolerable by comparison. :) All I'd say is that he's condemned to repeat his mistakes because he hasn't learned anything at all. You don't have any such restrictions. Good luck

[MerryMarigold]

Well said, cogito. He won't move on and have a perfect life with someone else. You owe it to yourself and DC to have a new start without all his issues messing you up. Good luck. And if you are bored, maybe try doing done things like changing rooms around, painting so it's all a bit different from when he was around.

[LucyInTheSky78]

www.chumplady.com

Look up her blog, read through her stuff. Absolutely brilliant and a total lifesaver for me. It doesn't matter whether he had a 'meaningless' fling or a long term affair. There's nothing meaningless in any sort of infidelity.

Please take a look at the blog. It kept me strong when I needed it most. I know you're panicking. I know you're still grieving for the future you thought you had. And I know you'll be lying to yourself that somehow there might be a way for the fucking nightmare to end.
Well, there is an end to the fucking nightmare and it begins with getting your life and self respect back. You can only control your own behaviour.
And whatever he says or does, trust that he sucks.
You're a decent person trying to understand how someone else isn't really decent deep down. Stop that way of thinking. That's how he manipulated you in the first place.

Anyway, I'm getting carried away, it's just that I really feel for you.
Take care xxx