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DP confessed he's been lying about his feelings all along

(68 Posts)
fourlegstwolegs Sat 08-Mar-14 21:40:14

We've been together for two years. We had an (unplanned) DS who is the light of both our lives. Last night DP announced that for the last two years he has been telling me what I wanted to hear and what he thought would make me happy (ie that he was happy, wanted a future together, to get married, have more children).
He said he WANTED to want all of those things but doesn't (with me). He says something is "missing" but can't explain what.
He also said he was happier with his ex than he is with me, only occasionally misses me when we aren't together, but says he does love me.
He dumped his previous two long term partners because he didn't want to marry them. He is now almost 36....

I am stunned as I never saw this coming. He always seemed happy and was so involved with my life and my family. He was in tears but I suspect more at the prospect of missing his son, than missing me.

He's gone away for work for a fortnight (abroad) and suggested counselling when he gets back. He says he wants to make it work but can't make himself feel what he wants to feel.
He also said he has been wanting to tell me since very early on but once I got pregnant felt morally compelled to stay.
I thought he stayed with me because he wanted to be with me...

I'm just so sad for me and for our little son. I so wanted a proper stable upbringing for him, and the prospect of him spending time with separate parents in separate houses that would be hours apart fills me with horror and sadness.

I'm just so upset sad

Logg1e Sun 09-Mar-14 14:36:18

I would take him at face value and gather as much information as you can. He gets home to a letter about maintenance and access.

Coelacanth Sun 09-Mar-14 14:47:49

Yeah, it's the script again isn't it sad.

Well, as other's have said, get your ducks lined up. No getting into post mortems with him, cry on a mate's shoulder if you have to, come here etc etc. Sorry OP, it's shite, I know.

springykyrie Sun 09-Mar-14 14:52:33

eh??? So it's suddenly all about you.. hmm

You poor thing OP. What a headfuck sad

Look after yourself, lovely. Get into counselling, too, to work your way through this. You can't have his drivvle as the only thing going on in your head xxx

MaryWestmacott Sun 09-Mar-14 17:15:17

Right, so the reason you are splitting up is that he's been lying to you about his feelings for years, yet he thinks that rather than him being the one with the problem, it's you?

Lord, get rid. Properly get rid.

And definately book a solicitor appointment next week, get stuff sorted ASAP.

TheHoneyBadger Sun 09-Mar-14 20:34:39

csa quick before they start charging.

call and give them all of his and your details and it will be underway.

his audacity as saying you are the problem is jaw dropping. allegedly he's 'gone along' with a relationship and having a child for two years whilst never really feeling enough and YOU'RE the problem? h'ok then mate hmm

Cabrinha Sun 09-Mar-14 20:44:56

Ah, it's your fault.
Up until that, given the other stuff I might have said he was "just" commitment shy.
But - blaming it on you could very well mean someone else. Of course he would have time - you don't even live together full time.

OP, he sounds like an utter shit, and all the worse because he's hidden it so well, I'm sorry.

But really... He's shown his commitment previously, opting to stay in London an hour away - from his son that he supposedly loves so much? Just an hour each way...

See a solicitor. Tell him to fuck off. And then let him come down for contact time. No meeting halfway - seriously, it's not far. He can easily use the same hotel locally every other weekend and one night in the week, as his job is flexible.

bochead Sun 09-Mar-14 21:16:22

The daily call is classic dog in the manger behavior. It enables him to check no other man is moving in on his turf wink.

Use the fortnight to go see a solicitor and find out where you stand re contact/maintenance for the child etc. Get a plan in your own head together for how you intend to be a single parent, and a single woman.

When he gets back then a few mediation sessions to sort out contact with his child going forward might be sensible.

However there is no point at all in going to a relationship councilor for a relationship where one party does not WANT to be committed to the other - that's just him looking to justify his own cowardly
behavior. Call him out on that, and make him OWN his actions.

Oddly enough the more independent you are at this stage and the more yu show that actually neither you nor your child need him in any way shape or form then I think the more likely he is to see the light long term and go get himself the professional help he so obviously needs.

Lavenderhoney Sun 09-Mar-14 21:22:45

I see. So now its your fault. As if!

Don't worry about that. Its rubbish and you know it. Sort out what you need, try to get angry for your ds, if not you, and get finances sorted out.

And contact- well, let him do the commute. Not you. Don't revolve your and your ds life round this man and his whims. It won't suit you further down the line, ie in winter when its cold and raining and you have a narky child to cope with- and what are you supposed to do whilst he's playing dad and then hands you a tired child to take home?

Start as you mean to go on. Its better for your ds and better for you.

Twat. Anyway, go nc these two weeks. He clearly made other arrangements so he can hardly complain. See solicitors, get your ducks in a row and talk to rl family and friends. About the future though, not the past. Time for that after.

He knew he was going to do it, so don't be wrong footed.

fourlegstwolegs Mon 10-Mar-14 22:14:57

I have emailed my solicitor today...
I am still engulfed by waves of sadness. It is so unbelievably hurtful to think he was never happy. He took me to dinner with his friends just three days before he ended it. Why?
I have no doubt that the timing of ending it and then jumping on a plane was carefully planned.
His lack of empathy is such that I genuinely think he needs testing for Asperger's.

tribpot Mon 10-Mar-14 22:24:40

Don't take yourself down that road. You want to believe that his sudden change of character is something out of his control - a nervous breakdown, a - what? sudden onset of Aspergers? That doesn't happen.

The most common reason on MN threads for a sudden, inexplicable and complete shift in personality is the arrival of an OW, and the need to deconstruct the past to justify an affair. In this case, though, he's already been living as if he were more of a friend with benefits than a partner, but it doesn't make it impossible that an OW has had enough of the half-life. Or, as I mentioned before, he knows there's an expiry date on your acceptance of the same half-life.

He's responsible for his own feelings. But as best you can you need to stop letting him get under your skin. Why would you believe he was never happy? Because he said so? He also said it was all your fault - which is clearly bollocks. If you must give any thoughts to the words that come out of his mouth right now, you must treat each one with scepticism and look for a hidden motive.

Logg1e Tue 11-Mar-14 06:12:13

I agree with tribpot, don't believe him when he says he has been unhappy all this time, he hasn't. And do be prepared for a new girlfriend "who he has just met" to appear very soon.

Lavenderhoney Tue 11-Mar-14 09:22:32

I don't think he has anything wrong with him except he is attempting to minimise why he is leaving to himself.

Frankly, its insulting to you he felt morally obliged in the beginning and had the balls to tell you that. If his morals were that great he wouldn't have led you on and let you exist in a bubble of contentment and hope for the future.

Keep sorting things out to the benefit of you and your ds, and when he comes back try very hard not to want to patch up and stay together. Present what's going to happen next to him. If he wants to try again, you don't have to rush into it.

Have you got rl support?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 11-Mar-14 09:34:32

He also said he was happier with his ex than he is with me

Now I don't think there was any call for that. I can understand - just - how people get cold feet and duck out of a relationship early on and if there's an unplanned pregnancy, well that could put a lot of strain on a relationship.

He's working away and you only saw him three three nights/days per week so hardly suffocating by many people's standards.

I think he's gone for good and at best was only half invested in this from the time he came back after leaving you three months' pregnant.

I am not 'bashing' this man just saying how I see it.

Good luck OP and get the financial side of things sorted out for your DS.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 11-Mar-14 10:08:02

Dignity is your friend here.

Tell him to jog right on.

No counselling. No Skype every day. No playing happy families.

SoleSource Tue 11-Mar-14 11:55:40

Devastating. That bastard deserves nothing from you from now on. He misled you and lied through his teeth.


Please, go and see a therapist to feel better about yourself.

You are not to blame.

fourlegstwolegs Tue 11-Mar-14 12:54:57

Yup I have good RL support from family. I haven't told friends yet...
My self esteem is pretty low right now, I must say.

tribpot Tue 11-Mar-14 13:02:12

Tell your friends. It will help, honestly.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 11-Mar-14 13:09:32

"His lack of empathy is such that I genuinely think he needs testing for Asperger's"

Please do not bring AS into this; that statement shows no knowledge re AS. AS does not equal emotionally abusive or lack of empathy.
You also cannot ever assume he is anywhere on the ASD spectrum so scratch off that as of now. AS does not equal abusive. Lack of empathy can instead be indicative of narcissism which is something else entirely.

Look at this person's relationship history; it is chequered to say the very least. He has lied through his teeth throughout; how such people sleep at night I do not know. He remains self serving and cruel.

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