Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feeling stressed re abusive ex finding out where I am

(4 Posts)
pollypocket99 Sat 08-Mar-14 20:53:54

I left an abusive relationship a year and a half ago, after his emotional and physical abuse went way too far when he threatened to seriously harm me and my dogs. He was arrested, bailed with conditions to stay away from me, the town where I was staying, and not to try contacting me - either directly or via others. He didn't keep to any of these conditions and got himself arrested again. It didn't go to court in the end, so I still feel like I have a black cloud hanging over me. I know that he got into another relationship immediately (textbook narcissist behaviour) so is no doubt preoccupied with controlling her, poor thing.

I had to give up everything when I left him, my home (he owned it), my business (I worked alone in rural locations so the police said it wouldn't be good for me to continue, and I didn't feel safe at all).

Fast forward 18 months and I am now happily settled with a fab new job, sharing a house with a couple of other girls (I couldn't afford to rent on my own until I'd built up some savings and got a permanent job). One of the girls I now know very well and trust her 100% but the other one only recently moved in. Tonight she was chatting about a guy she knows that she hangs out with sometimes and is interested in her. As she walked out the room she said the guy's name and "I'll make him work a bit if he wants me". I went COLD. The guy whose name she said is someone who works very closely with and is good friends with my ex.

How do I handle this? I can just imagine her dropping into conversation with him all about her new house, housemates and their dogs (my dogs are quite distinctive - both by their looks and names, so couldn't be confused with other dogs).

After she went upstairs I was just sitting on the sofa paralysed with fear - what do I do?!

My main concern is that she uses Facebook a lot (for obvious reasons I don't at all). The last thing I want is her posting photos of my dogs or posts about me. I have followed the police DV unit advice to the letter and gone to great lengths to keep my whereabouts under wraps. I have changed my car twice, cut all mutual ties etc.

I don't know what to do - if I have a quiet word with her and explain the situation, she could well spill all to this guy "ooh do you know so and so...?" - she is nice but a bit of a big mouth and I don't know her well so can't trust her - and then he will definitely tell all to my ex.

But I can't do nothing either. I have a new partner now and am so happy, my job is great, I felt safe at home - though tonight the doorbell went and I jumped out of my skin sad I can't have everything torn apart again and live in fear constantly. Moving house seems an extreme option (plus I don't see why I should keep letting him control me) and isn't possible due to money issues - I am only just getting back on my feet having lost everything.

Any advice on how to handle this? wine and thanks for anyone who has managed to read that essay! grin

fusspot66 Sat 08-Mar-14 20:57:34

Could you seek advice from the DV officer or WA about your next step.
What a shock you must have had.

pollypocket99 Sat 08-Mar-14 21:13:43

Thank you for your reply fusspot! I feel better just for sharing. I've not had any contact with the DV people (from a different county to where I am now) in over a year, plus the police in this county (where the offences happened) were AWFUL and didn't take me seriously and advised "best to stay away from each other" - even the police in the other county said they had let me down and advised me to make a formal complaint (which I did but never got more than a standard acknowledgement of receipt letter). I think the police will say unless an offence has happened they can't do anything - I mean, what could they do anyway other than say to be vigilant and that he's unlikely to bother me (they said this before and he drove 60 miles and found me!). So as you see, I have no confidence in this police force!

My housemate has now gone out for the evening but I've been sat here mulling over what to do and feeling very on edge.

By the way I didn't know this girl before she moved in, plus we live in a large city so it's a horrible coincidence that she has this link to my ex. I must have done something really bad in a previous life sad

MaxsMummy2012 Sat 08-Mar-14 21:26:00

I'm sorry you're having such a stressful time. I think, given your situation, that you should sit this girl down and tell her the truth - explain how horrendous it was and really make her understand how dangerous it is for you, that she needs to keep quiet about you and that she cannot bring this new man to your home (maybe get your other housemate to be there when you talk to her and be on board with you). Also stress to her that if it does come out where you are that this violent ex will not only come to your door but hers too - as she lives with you. Finally, if after speaking to her you still feel you cannot trust her to keep your whereabouts quiet then I would seriously consider moving again possibly very far away; you don't mention whether you live in the same place as your family so I'm not sure what ties you have there other than your job but you must put your safety first. X

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: