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Abusive Domestic Violence Officer - possibly upsetting

(4 Posts)
DangerMoose Sat 08-Mar-14 12:43:12

I am not sure if this is the right place to post this really, but I have to get it out somehow.

I left a LTR with a man several years ago. He did not make it easy for me to leave him; He drained me of as much money and furniture as he could and even tried to take my car.

Despite this happening some years ago, I still can't seem to shake the abuse I suffered and, above all, the horrible feeling in my stomach knowing that this abusive man is a police officer working in domestic violence.

He forced himself on me. I would regularly wake up in pain to him thrusting away. I would try to push him off but he'd just resume and eventually I'd stop trying to resist and let him finish. I felt sick and disgusted, but was naive and didn't realise that what he was doing to me was rape. He blamed it on his 'sexsomnia', or his high sex drive, or me for not wanting to sleep with him often enough.

Sometimes it was his fingers I'd wake up to, prodding around when I wasn't 'ready' (not that I ever would have been for him). This was actually the worst for some reason and it took me a long time to let anybody near me with their fingers like that again. I am upset just thinking about it. I can almost feel it happening again.

The abuse didn't just stop there. He was aggressive and thought nothing of manhandling me. He would shout and scream in my face until I'd cry and then try to comfort me. He would say things like 'You're disgusting', 'You're vile', 'You're rotten'. He made fun of the sexual abuse I suffered in my childhood - the abuse I wish I had never told him about. He'd say things like, 'You're a horrible girl aren't you. No wonder your father raped you.'

When I tried to get away from him during these episodes he would block my path, push me back, block the door etc. If I made it past him he would follow me. I once ran out of the house and he just ran after me.

One night I thought he was going to hurt me. He came into the bedroom and locked the door behind him. He screamed in my face, paced around, then screamed in my face again. I was holding my phone in my pocket with one hand and a screwdriver with the other.

I managed to leave him, despite never thinking I could, and now live a very different life. I have told very few people about any of this. I can cope with the memories but what I'm struggling to cope with and what is haunting me the most is that he works with victims of domestic violence. Victims like me. I cannot get my head around that.

I have thought about writing anonymously but I have been told that an anonymous letter would not be taken seriously.

If I use my name then I assume there will be an investigation, but I have no proof that any of this ever happened, except for a few audio recordings I have of his rages. I don't think they'll hold up.

Is there anything I can do? Or should I just move on and hope that, one day, he will be exposed for everything that he is?

Thanks in advance.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Mar-14 12:53:37

I would suggest you talk to Rape Crisis. As we've all seen from the fairly old cases involving celebrities recently, they are being taken seriously and investigated. If he assaulted you then chances are he assaulted others either before or since. Given that his job gives him opportunities to exploit the vulnerable, those chances must be very high.

Do contact Rape Crisis and best of luck

knowledgeispower Sat 08-Mar-14 13:53:22


What a brave and wonderful woman you are. It's not to late to get justice if that's what you decide to do. Have you ever received counselling for any of the abuse you have suffered? Before you make a decision I would contact Rape Crisis as the pp suggests and get some RL support in dealing with possible outcomes of taking this further.

Lweji Sat 08-Mar-14 14:39:00

Seconding the previous advice.
You can approach a specialist police unit and tell them all. At worst it won't be investigated or taken to court. At best it will and a dangerous man won't be able to do the same to someone else. At the very least it's likely that he'll be flagged up should any other complaints show up.

And sending a hug.

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