Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He handed himself in to police

(20 Posts)
AtSea1979 Sat 08-Mar-14 10:10:19

DP sexually assaulted me a couple of weeks ago. I didn't report it for various reasons (there is other thread when it happened).
Anyway, he set up home a few doors down and continued to try to persuade me to forgive him.
Says he felt so bad, blah blah.
Anyway I told him, if you feel so bad then move to other end of country (where he's from/family live) he said no, he enjoys his job. I said do it or I will have no choice but to report him to police. He begged me not to, saying he loved me etc. I said if u love me, go hand yourself in.

I was shocked to find he actually did and went to station (to avoid noisy neighbours) but when it came to it, this horrible male sergeant scared me so much I didn't press charges and then this sergeant threatened to arrest me instead for "blackmail" (citing the move away or go police).
It was scarey. Eventually a female officer turned up but she just stood next to the sergeant and let him bully me. He said "DP would be locked up and put on sex offenders register for life, is that what I want?".
Instead I was crying saying I just want to go home to DC. They had already let DP go before even taking my statement.
Sergeant told me off for wasting his time and sent me on my way.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 08-Mar-14 10:11:45

Well obviously you complain. And you go back and tell them to proceed with charges.

Joules68 Sat 08-Mar-14 10:14:47

Yes, go back and proceed

But that was a silly thing to say/do re the blackmail. How come you ended up down at the station as well?

memyselfandl Sat 08-Mar-14 10:17:33

Go back with a friend and tell them to charge the bastard.
Then make a complaint about the bullying tactics of the police sergeant, I think your ex has done a number on them to be honest.

AtSea1979 Sat 08-Mar-14 10:23:25

I ended up down there because DP text 'at police station' and I thought he was lying so I drove down there expecting him not to be there and was shocked to see him sat there at which point this sergeant came up behind me and asked me to follow him to, he lead me to an interview room.

WowserBowser Sat 08-Mar-14 10:23:53

Go back. Ask to talk to someone else. The police women i dealt with were absolutely brilliant.

Good luck op thanks

AtSea1979 Sat 08-Mar-14 10:25:22

I don't want to go back. I would be quite happy never to see another police person again, this is the third time they have let me down.

beepbeep Sat 08-Mar-14 10:28:15

Ring 101 and make a complaint, the way that was handled sounds like it was completely out of order. The complaint will go to inspector or above to be looked into.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Mar-14 10:42:33

I think you keep being let down by the police because you back down rather than demand they act. I also think he gambles on it happening ... keeps calling your bluff. I'm not being critical - I do understand why you're very frightened of him what with him being a violent rapist - but I think you need back-up to help you navigate the system and be taken seriously. Please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and ask them specifically for help in prosecuting your ex.

Logg1e Sat 08-Mar-14 12:38:08

When did this happen?

Is it the time you described in your last thread, or more recently (within the last couple of days)? You were advised to take somebody with you to the police station. It doesn't sound to me as though your ex has said, "I went to my ex's house and raped her" it sounds as though he has said, "I had sex with my girlfriend, we are having problems and now she's blackmailing me".

Hissy Sat 08-Mar-14 12:58:25

Is this the 3rd time you've had contact with the police over him?

You are actually not helping yourself by allowing him space. In your life and that of your dc.

Most relationships don't involve ultimatums over police/sexual assault.

You know this, but are blinded by the fog of the abuse you've suffered.

You're worth more than this. Your dc too, so if you can't go back to the police now and kick some behind to get them to take you seriously (which takes a lot of guts and courage, that may be understandably hard to must atm) then make this the time that you do cut the ties, stop the rot, and break the cycle.

It takes on average 8 times to leave an abusive partner. So you're still ahead of that curve. Use the momentum and support you have here and make yourself the priority. It's an investment that ALWAYS pays off.

edamsavestheday Sat 08-Mar-14 13:02:48

I'm so sorry he is such a bastard and horrified at the useless copper. Use your energy to get shot of him first - I hope the support here helps, and you could also call rape crisis.

BillyBanter Sat 08-Mar-14 13:10:11

It definitely sounds like he has done a number on you by misrepresenting the facts to the police. You probably thought the police would want your statement about his crime but actually they were cautioning you off blackmail/making false allegations, it sounds like.

Not sure what the best way is to get the support you need to move forward but off the top of my head.

Women's Aid as mentioned.

Rape Crisis.

The Domestic Violence unit at a different police station

A friend, advocate or lawyer to accompany you to any police interviews.

I know there is an excellent rape advice centre in Manchester if you are near there.

bigboobsbertha Sat 08-Mar-14 14:04:59

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

dollius Sat 08-Mar-14 14:38:11

"Moaning on the internet". How charming. This is a rape victim, is that seriously all you can think of to say?

Logg1e Sat 08-Mar-14 15:12:59

Bertha Moaning on the Internet wont accomplish anything at all

What stops you "moaning on the internet" about a man abusing you Bertha?

Perhaps you're not being sexually assaulted by a man who has keys to your house and wants sex from you whilst your little children are in the house?

Perhaps you are being sexually assaulted, but you have people there to support you?

Perhaps you are being assaulted, and don't have any friends or family, but have still been able to get to the police station, you are articulate and you have been believed?

Lweji Sat 08-Mar-14 17:05:56

You do have to be brave and press charges.
Even if at another police station.
Get advice and help from rape crisis.

I know it can be scary, and take yourself to a safe place when you do report him.

There isn't much anyone can do if you don't actually sign the charges.
He should get a record. He should be arrested.
God knows what he told the sargeant before you arrived. Probably that you were a crazy woman, hellbent on destroying him.

Get all the help you can get, but do it.

Hissy Sat 08-Mar-14 17:20:14

Bertha, you are fucking unreal!

And wrong!

"Moaning" on the Internet, actually, is very useful. It allows victims to see - at their own pace - that they are living a life that's not consistent with others, and that perhaps they are not going mad at all, that there is better out there than the existence you endure.

It took me a good year of 'moaning on mumsnet' to stand up for myself a little, stand my ground and know that other people didn't live as I did.

18m later I just about summoned the strength (with shit loads of virtual mn support) to actually get out.

Women often test out the possible places they can open up a little, so doctors, colleagues, friends may have little hints dropped and online are even better as if it all gets too much, they can name change and come back when they feel a little stronger.

Eventually they'll get there.

So AtSea, "moan" away as much as you like.

If it offends the likes of Bertha or others of her ilk, who cares. They're no loss.

Hissy Sat 08-Mar-14 17:21:49

Actually, I reckon I got the gender of Bertha wrong.


CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Mar-14 17:24:55

" "DP would be locked up and put on sex offenders register for life, is that what I want?". "

I hope one day soon you find the courage to say 'yes' to that question. Because he is a sex offender.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: