I really want to talk to my friend. Should I?

[sassytheFIRST]

One of our closest couple friends are in trouble. She has been having an affair with a female colleague: he found out and is devastated. She was initially regretful, tearful etc; he moved out briefly to get his head together but always wanted to work it through, he still loves her. He has been home for 3 weeks now. They have 2 dc, aged 11 and nearly 10.

She seems to want to have her cake and eat it. They went fir counseling but when the counsellor told her she needs to decide what she wants re this other woman, she has since said she won't see the counsellor again as she didn't gel with this person. Her husband is terrified of losing her and the damage splitting up will do to her kids so has given her more rope than he prob should have done; latest is that she wants to be allowed to pursue the friendship with this OW in order to work out if it's just a fling or real (presumably she will then leave).

I've been mostly sympathetic but I'm really cross now. I want to sit her down and tell her some home truths that no one else seems to be telling her - mostly about the risk of emotional harm she is exposing her children to by her self-indulgence. I know that will prob end our friendship....but I can't help how I feel. I would check with her h before I did so, wouldn't interfere if he asked me not to.

WIBU?

[LucyLasticBand]

i dont think anyone would thank you. though you do say you would check with her H first,

[something2say]

I think so yes. Leave it alone for now. If she is gay, she deserves to come out and be happy. Yes the marriage was a bad idea, to have duped a man for so long. But life is complicated. I'd leave it alone and see what happens. And bear in mind that her conduct may change your relationship with her ie you no longer respect her as a result of how she handles this.

[sassytheFIRST]

It's not the gayness that troubles me. It's nit even the way she is treating her h, he'll get over it in time. It's what she is doing to her children who are already vulnerable to bullying etc - a bit quirky and different. If I were him I would be kicking her out and going fir custody, honestly. She is not a great parent on a practical level, ditzy, disorganized, they don't really eat properly etc. but has always been v good emotionally and now seems to have lost sight of that too.

I know I shouldn't really get involved.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Only say how you feel if your friend contacts you and gives you the 'poor me' speech. If she stays out of touch, don't interfere. They have to work this out between themselves.

[something2say]

You sound angry with her. That's cool. I'd write a massive long letter to her, het it off your chest, save the letter somewhere safe never to be sent, and then get on with your own life a while, distance for a few months. We all go thro rough patches in life. And during them we don't always behave in a stellar manner. X

[Pippilangstrompe]

Let her and her husband figure it out together on their own. Don't meddle.

[rainbowsmiles]

Unless she is coming to you for advice stay out of it. You suggesting she shouldn't get custody of her children is horrid. I think your anger is coming through so just rant with a friend and stay out.

[Logg1e]

If it was a friendship that meant a lot to me, I'd say something. If it wasn't, I'd distance myself.