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Marriage - Is this is?

(9 Posts)
beabea81 Fri 07-Mar-14 22:19:19

When we met 11 years ago it felt like we were soul mates and best friends and were totally in love. We got married 7 years ago and have a 3 year old daughter, but over that time since we had her, our relationship has just gone flat.

I know that it's common to lose the romance a bit / a lot when babies come along, sleep deprivation and then the chaos that toddlerhood brought have all chipped away over the last few years, we rarely dtd, I don't feel romantic towards him at all and we bicker all the time. I can't help thinking, is this it now for the next 50 odd years?!

Our dd has been the best thing to ever happen to me, but although dh would say the same, he finds her very difficult to deal with, he has no patience with her whatsoever and often raises his voice & gets very stressed & bothered by silly things like her refusing to put her shoes on / brush her teeth. He has always wanted to be a hands on father from the day she was born, and he was brilliant with her as a baby, but since the terrible twos started he just can't seem to handle her & is permanently stressed by her : ( He tries hard to have lots of fun with her, playing games, going to the park etc but it always seems to end in tears.

Everything about him seems to annoy me these days, and we can't agree on anything. Having our dd brought us closer at first, but now I'd say we're further apart than ever, we just seem to function through daily life these days rather than be loving, intimate, interested in each other like we used to. Is this it??

WhateverTrevor83 Fri 07-Mar-14 22:31:06

No it's not 'it' you're tired and stuck in a rut. I've been there too it's rubbish isn't it? X

GlassOfPort Fri 07-Mar-14 22:43:42

I could have written most of your post OP. Our DS is a bit older, though (3 yr and 8 months) and things are getting a little better. We are slowly finding each other again, spending more time together as a couple etc.

Hopefully others will come along to encourage us both to hang in there smile

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle Fri 07-Mar-14 22:51:15

Watching with interest. Dd is 2 and I fear we're heading in the same direction...

SageYourResoluteOracle Sat 08-Mar-14 00:19:28

Are you me, OP?! You have my sympathies.

Does it get better? Anyone?

BerylStreep Sat 08-Mar-14 00:23:18

Yes, it gets better. Mine are now 8 and 6, and they are so independent that we now have time to ourselves. DTD is still rare (down to me) but life is so much easier now. I shudder when I look back and see how difficult it was. Definitely why there was no number 3.

If you think the underlying foundations are strong, I would try to hang in there.

Benzalkonium Sat 08-Mar-14 00:28:24

Getting the babies to turn into kids is exhausting. It gets easier, less stressful, and then you have a bit of breathing space.

Have you discussed how you plan to bring your children up? And if so do you agree? If not, I suggest discussing and agreeing some priorities. It will help you allow each others parenting, and to maintain respect.

Funnyfoot Sat 08-Mar-14 00:33:36

Ok so yes I have been there.
12 years together and 10 years married.
We were in a rut before we even noticed.
We were arguing over everything. Even the way he breathed/ate used to grate on my nerves.
This was my best friend. The person I was the closet too. Who I could completely be myself with. I HATED HIM.

We forgot. We forgot that before babies we actually liked each other.

We sort of started dating again. We didn't have babysitters but 1 night a week we put the kids to bed and turned the telly OFF. We had a light meal a few glasses of wine and chatted. We gave each other time.
My day as a SAHM wasn't interesting but when he listened for 1/2 hour then I listened to him (about geeky science stuff) we appreciated each other.

Turns out we both felt the same. Bogged down with parenthood, work and life in general and stressed by our kids. I remembered how funny he was, he remembered I was interesting and not just a mum. We reconnected.

Relationships are hard at times and you (both of you) have to put the effort in. They don't work by themselves.

Joysmum Sat 08-Mar-14 11:16:51

We did for a while but then talked about it. I said I wasn't happy why the way things were, he wasn't either but too scared to say anything in case it promoted us to split up.

Upshot was, we talked about how much we live and were committed to each other and how not being satisfied with life, didn't mean we weren't happy in each other, just that we needed to change our day to day life to make the relationship closer.

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