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Help - need advice on rights at relationship end(20 Posts)
So it looks as though my five year relationship with 'D'P is finally over
Back story - he has his own business and is extremely driven, I have always come last to him after the business, money customers, friends etc. We (mostly he) have been renovating a property for the last four years (owned by him) we moved in late last year and it still needs work. He works on it all weekend, every weekend and works at his business all week, leaving home at around 6.30-7am and getting home any time from 6pm - 11.30pm. He was of no use at all when I was pregnant, extremely unsupportive, took the piss out of my body and made me feel crap. I had SPD and HG and he treated it as if it was all just a big inconvenience as I couldn't work on the house any more. He did make it to most of my midwife appointments though and was at the birth - I've never seen him so happy and I felt that I loved him more than ever and perhaps things would change.
He had a week off work when DS was born, I was borderline PND and recovering from a traumatic instrumental delivery and the SPD as well as a damaged coccyx. Trying to establish breastfeeding was hell too. He would get home and demand to know where his dinner was and why I hadn't hoovered. He had some time off over Christmas and immediately afterwards things seemed better, spending more time with us seemed to highlight that it wasn't easy for me. Since then things have got steadily worse - he has started another new business venture and spends more time away from home, he hasn't made it home for bathtime once this week and hasn't spent more than an hour at a time with 18wk old DS since Christmas. He never gets up in the night as you can imagine, he's too tired. I live 40 minutes from what little family I have so am alone with DS a lot and struggle - he has no time to do anything around the house or help with DS and it's hard. When he gets home he sits in silence with his iPad
He has just booked himself four days off work to go to a social event with friends in May and a day off to do something with another friend next month. Nothing for me and DS. I spent my birthday alone with DS while he was outside working on the house
This morning I snapped and said I couldn't take it anymore. I resent him too much now and want a better life and example for DS. I have threatened to leave several times in the last month but nothing has changed. He said he is going to be an arsehole about it and I'd better get ready, he is going to take DS away on holiday for a week without me.
I'm terrified. We aren't married so I believe I have no rights. What do I do? I can stay with my parents in the short term, I have my own house which is currently let so I need to give my tenant notice and move back there. But what do I do for money? I'm on mat leave and my mortgage is £450 per month! He owns the house we live in although I have invested thousands in it, I guess I'll get nothing back. He owns our old house too which is currently let.
Sorry for the jumbled post, I'm typing in a hurry. Bottom line is I'm terrified he will try to take DS from me. I will do everything to prevent that but the age old question of money is going to hold me back - he has loads and now I don't. There is some twisting of the truth from him, he confuses me when we argue and I know he will make sure my name is mud in the area - his influence is far reaching because of his business
Tr not to panic - work through all your fears, one by one - maybe write them down so that you can look at them objectively. Then work out which you are right to be concerned about.
It sounds like you've had v little time for anything other than your ds, so if your stbx takes him away for a week, is that such a bad thing? It might give you time to go to CAB, look into what you might be entitled to etc. Just be v v v clear on the terms and conditions of the week's holiday and get it in writing when they will return.
He wont take DS away from you, if he took DS away even for the weeks holiday as he has said/threatened to do he will get a shock when he realises that babies are hard work.
I suggest you see a solicitor and see where you stand legally. See if you can find out his financials cos he did say he was going to be an arsehole.
My uncle tried to take kids off my aunt instead of paying child support, he soon changed his tune when he realised how much hard work kids are. He also used to come home from work and basically play on his computer, my aunt took kids on holidays to ireland to my mum for a week without telling him before hand. He only copped on when he saw the post it she had left on his computer screen.
Best of luck.
I would seek legal advice asap and with regards to your child as well. I would not entertain the thought of having any informal arrangement re contact with his son as he will likely disregard such a thing. His saying that he would take his son away with him for a week is probably just bluster designed to keep you further in line. He will and has made your life as difficult as possible.
You need to get away from him asap; the tenants on your home now need to be given notice.
Can you prove you made the payments for any interior decorating?
You will likely not get a penny back from any money you have invested into this house. You cannot afford to and must never put yourself in such a poor legal position ever again.
CAB can offer good advice.
He must pay proper CM (have a look at CSA calculator to get some idea of how much this might be). If you can demonstrate how much of your money you put into his house, and that it was in the expectation that this was you family home, you may be able to recover some/all of it.
are you in Scotland? If so you have SLIGHTY more rights, but not many
It appears you won't be in a truly difficult position financially. You have a house and a job and your partner will have to pay CM unless you have a 50% 50% childcare arrangement (which it doesn't appear would fit very well with his working pattern).
As others have said, give your tenant notice, get back in your home and start preparing for your return to work, finding good quality, reliable childcare.
Your ex may well surprise you in stepping up to the plate with your DS, unless you are still breastfeeding I would encourage him to care for him overnight to get used to his needs before the planned holiday.
Definitely don't delay in getting legal advice. Many solicitors offer a free initial consultation.
He just took DS off me and said he was keeping him, I couldn't have him. I threatened to call police so he took my phone. Managed to calm him down and he has gone to work for an hour on some emergency as I promised to be here when he gets back. We have swimming booked this pm with DS which he has taken time off to do and his mother is coming up tonight to stay for the weekend - the timing couldn't be worse. He wants me to stay here and cohabit separately as otherwise he won't see DS at all. I told him I didn't want that, I wanted to move on and he said if I leave he will get a motor home and camp on my drive! It's become ridiculous. DS has just gone to sleep, he has witnessed so much argy bargy today I feel terrible for him
Get yourself and DS out of the house and, once safe, call the police 101 DV unit and tell them he is behaving threateningly and aggressively. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 would also be worth a call.
There is a Montessori in the next village, I will arrange to see them next week and speak to boss about return to work.
Ref the house, I can prove through bank statements what I paid I think. P offered me £10k or whatever I believe I'm entitled to before he left so perhaps he will be reasonable after all but I cannot see any way in which we can continue to live together. I have been an idiot ref my legal position, I see that, but I never wanted to 'plan to fail'
Hindsight is a wonderful thing
Perhaps he will be reasonable? He took your child off you and then took your phone as well. He is not acting reasonably at all.
I don't feel unsafe now, he calmed down once I pointed out that was weakening his position by being aggressive. He only worried me by saying he was taking DS, he accused me of being mentally unstable and said he would use that against me to keep DS
I know, I really felt like I'd lost control of the situation at that point. Wouldn't any man do that though when faces with losing his child? Or was he seeing how much he could get away with/how much I would allow myself to be told what was going to happen it whether I would fight?
No, not any man would react that way. However, you say you have threatened to leave on several occasions and not followed through. So you have to follow through this time or things are going to escalate.
I agree with Cog - you need to get away and sharpish - no waiting until next week. Will you phone WA and 101 too. He took your son from you and threatened you. How much worse does it have to be? You talked him round this time - what if you can't do that when he does it again. And he can accuse you of mental unstability all he likes - typical abusive threat that one. You do need to log this now - you need a paper trail of what he is doing, and this means sharing what he has done with the authorities. Do you have a HV/GP you would be happy to confide in. If so I would talk to them too.
Firstly, you may not be married but your ex still needs to contribute and help provide a home for you and DS.
He sounds quite wealthy and you'll be surprised what a good family solicitor can do for you even when you're not married.
Your ex can't just take your child from you - he sounds bloody nasty to suggest it when he knows you're feeling so miserable.
Please don't panic. My ex used to come out with total bullshit like this in the early days. We stayed together years and he realised eventually the threat held no real fear after he'd used it enough times. I can say your ex will just find other ways to taunt you so look to move on without fear. Don't end up like I have with a DS old enough to realise his Dad is a lying, cheating manipulative scumbag. I should've got him out when DS was young enough.
Ahhh, hindsight. Good luck OP.
I really think that you should leave. Right now. My exP - son's father - behaved much as yours is beginning to. There is nothing to feel safe about. In my case things did not work as one might expect. Sometimes the psychos "win".
Are you sure he is at work? Mine hightailed it straight off to the most expensive legal firm he could find and borrowed a fortune from the bank to fight me at every level, every day until I was broken. He knew I couldn't do the same, since I paid for absolutely everything and was skint.
Sorry, this isn't meant to be a downer, I just think you need to know when it's time to leave with your child and to expect serious trouble. You have a head start in that it sounds like you can probably relocate, albeit for the short term.
Had I been able to move out (many serious let-downs and bad advice contributed to my downfall) I would have been much more in control of events and my perception of them.
Was his mother due to visit anyway or has this been arranged just now?
"P offered me £10k or whatever I believe I'm entitled to before he left so perhaps he will be reasonable after all but I cannot see any way in which we can continue to live together".
So he offered you "hush money" as well as trying to take your child off you?!. Abusive men more often than not accuse their woman of being "mentally unstable" as well. I do not think he will be happy unless he totally breaks you emotionally and financially.
Honestly you need to leave with your child asap. Do not wait until next week. Make plans to leave today.
Also you can qualify for legal aid if there has been domestic violence can't you - even more reason to report him isn't it. I agree, get yourself to a solicitor pronto too.
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