Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

FWB/NSA but mixed messages. ...

(13 Posts)
EdwiniasRevenge Fri 07-Mar-14 10:01:54

An old friend messaged me on valentines day out of the blue.

Things got very flirty and we met up a week or so later, one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. No issue, we are both single, both consenting adults. Tbh we kind of both knew thats where we would end up given the nature of the previous messages.

Lots of wine had been drunk and during the evening he had asked me if I would have more children (possibly but I have 3 and I'm 37;he's 10years younger and desperately wants kids of his own).
Also whilst drunk he told me that he loved me.

In the following couple of days we agreed that we would keep thi as a FWB arrangement. I have no problem with this. I think from his POV he really wants someone to have a family with which I can understand making this 'relationship' just a gap filler for him. I don't have a problem with that.

Next few days discussion continues. He asks if I had 'ever thought about us being together previously'. We talk about longer term contraception etc.

There has been a lot of explicit messaging/texting as we struggle to meet up for sex. I have teen daughters that don't go to bed very
early etc.

last few days he keeps going on about "don't go getting stupid feelings for me" "don't go falling in love"

as far as I'm aware nothings changed. But I'm doubting myself because he keeps reminding me that it is strictly NSA. But I know. If anything I feel he is trying to convince himself - would/does he want something more if I was younger/would have children?

Why ask if I want any more children if a longer term relationship wasn't on his mind? Why ask if I've ever thought of us as a couple? Why tell me he loves me (even if he was drunk)?

I was coping okay with the non-emotional aspects until he started telling me not to fall in love. Who is he trying to or him?

Don't expect a response. Just batting ideas around really.

EdwiniasRevenge Fri 07-Mar-14 10:08:44

Oh and last weekend we had arranged to meet up but I was due on. I messaged him to explain and said that I didn't expect him to come over.

despite us potentially not being able to sleep together I felt that he probably shouldn't come over. He came anyway "we can just snuggle up on the sofa and enjoy each others company". Surely thats a relationship. ...argghh

arsenaltilidie Fri 07-Mar-14 12:10:07

just a gap filler for him
He enjoys your company.

last few days he keeps going on about don't go getting stupid feelings for me don't go falling in love

Those are not words of someone that wants a relationship. Listen to him and stop over analysing him.
Maybe it's you that's falling for him.
He'll be playful acting like a relationship and when he meets a girl he wants he will drop you like you didn't exist.

Jan45 Fri 07-Mar-14 12:57:33

Agree with above, you're a stop gap, if you're happy with that and possibly happy that he's more than likely having sex with other women then fine, your analysing is telling me that in the not so distant future, you won't be...

Quitelikely Fri 07-Mar-14 13:19:09

I think he has given out mixed signals. If one of you falls in l

breaking2bad Fri 07-Mar-14 14:27:45

I've been on the receiving end of a FWB with mixed messages; treating me like a girlfriend when were together and via text/phone but being specific that he didn't want a relationship. I let him carry on because he was such an amazing guy and the only one giving me attention.

Has he had a FWB setup before? Have you? I think if it's just physical, i.e just sex it would be ok, but if he's a genuine nice guy who you really enjoy spending time with its a recipe for disaster because your mind plays tricks on you. I kept on thinking if only circumstances were different.

EdwiniasRevenge Fri 07-Mar-14 16:10:09

Thing is. "Knew" where we stood. I was "happy" with that.

As far as I'm concerned I'm only really following his lead. It is usually him that starts a message conversation - so I dont think I'm being over bearing or giving the wrong signals.

its just confused me as to why I keep getting warnings not to fall in love all of a sudden.

And tbh its these warnings which are playing with my head.

Jan45 Fri 07-Mar-14 16:29:13

Actually, just reading it again, I do think he might want a relationship with you but he's making sure he also reminds you that it's purely sex only, just in case someone better comes along, that's what I would get from it.

EdwiniasRevenge Fri 07-Mar-14 16:40:04

My take on it is that when he first contacted me he was pursuing a relationship. Until I raised doubts about having more children (I didn't say no but would that there are other things to consider) at which point he's now saying that he is looking for something 'more' in the long term. I get that. And I get the reasons why.

but that's not the same as not wanting something more. It's just that I can't meet his longer term needs.

And for that reason I think he is trying to convince himself not to get to close iyswim.

As for me.

Jan45 Fri 07-Mar-14 16:48:28

Yeah think you're right there.

meditrina Fri 07-Mar-14 16:53:49

FWB isn't meant to involve all sorts of agonising over his motives and analysing the possibility of a relationship.

Maybe it's time for a different friend?

Dirtybadger Fri 07-Mar-14 18:40:14

I posted earlier but it didn't seem to work. In a nutshell, does he have a bit of an ego? A fwb set up I had ages ago ended because he did similiar to your friend. He wasn't interested in a relationship (and nor was I, I was seeing other people) but he had it in his head that it was impossible for a woman to sleep with him and not want his babies and a wedding ring. Got really patronising and annoying/insulting eventually, actually.
Is this possible?

EdwiniasRevenge Fri 07-Mar-14 20:27:54

No definitely no ego. This is just kind of 2 otherwise lonely friends meeting each others sexual needs in the short term. For both of us it is just a stop gap to the next venture.

Tbh this has only been going on a couple of weeks. Neither of us have ever been in a FWB setup before, so we are both on new territory.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now