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He hurt me. And now I hate him

(55 Posts)
grapelovingweirdo Fri 07-Mar-14 08:32:00

Feel free to search for my previous threads. I know it's not the done thing but I'm too exhausted to go through the whole scenario except for the updates, if that's okay.

I left it in January where I had turned down the London job to keep him and he had ended things with me anyway. Then his daughter moved in full time and he decided he could not afford to get a divorce as promised. He has been separated for nearly ten years and with me for four.

Now my sister has had a run of bad luck and is currently on my sofa trying to find a place.

DP has mainly been quite good about this bar a couple of slips.

Basically, something has happened now that is making me finally see that he is not the one for me.

Sister had my keys on Wednesday as she was going out and I would be in later than her. Band practice.

I went to meet a friend later but had to walk her home and make sure she was okay because her ex has been showing up wherever she is and there was dv in the relationship.

This meant that I couldn't get in before about half one as my friend was really scared and I didn't want to leave her. While this is going on, I am texting DP apologising for this and asking if he will be able to let me in. He had a really early start the next day and I was really apologetic.

All he had to do was get out of bed and press the button to open the outside door and leave the inner door open a crack. It takes me less than a minute to get there. He could have been snuggled back in before I got to the top of the stairs. I could have then cuddled in as this usually helps him get back to sleep.

Instead, he sent me "fuck you" via text and got really angry. He eventually let me in but then shouted at me.

When I had the nerve to point out that, actually, he goes out and gets drunk all the time, expecting me to let him in at 4am when I have a seven thirty start, he went mad and pushed me against the wall and screamed that he was going to kill me.

Now I accept that he was exhausted, but the whole process didn't need to take longer than thirty seconds and the situation that kept me out late was not of my doing. My keys were with my sister and my friend needed me. I should have stayed with her really. But I really wanted my own bed and DP.

After all of this, HE is annoyed with ME and hasn't spoken to me for two days.

grapelovingweirdo Fri 07-Mar-14 08:40:07


CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 08:43:50

He sounds appalling. I'm sorry if you turned down a good job in order to keep this man in your life because it doesn't sound like it was a smart swap. Personally, I wouldn't want to waste more time on someone who is abusive. What are your plans?

grapelovingweirdo Fri 07-Mar-14 08:45:43

Well my sister is here so I can't just go. I would need to find somewhere for us both. If I can find her a place in the next week then I can hopefully stay with friends smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 08:46:34

Surely it should be him that leaves? He's assaulted you.

grapelovingweirdo Fri 07-Mar-14 08:49:16

His daughter moved in at Christmas. Bit of a tough one really as I don't want to cause her any more upheaval than she's already had. Plus, I can't afford to pay for everything my myself there, I could do it with a stretch but it would be very hard

Logg1e Fri 07-Mar-14 08:50:42

Why on earth are you living with this dangerous man? And he is dangerous. You're minimising.

How old is your sister?

Logg1e Fri 07-Mar-14 08:51:59

Also this bit (which seemed less important the more I read), I left it in January where I had turned down the London job to keep him and he had ended things with me anyway.

Reads as though he'd ended the relationship with you back in January. Why are you still living with him and snuggling up with him in bed??

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 08:52:31

When violence happens - and being pushed around and threatened with death is violence - the usual rules don't apply. The sulking is just more abuse and you should tell him to leave straight away because he's proved himself to be dangerous.

grapelovingweirdo Fri 07-Mar-14 08:56:37

He ended things on Christmas Eve by text when I was at my mums. It was because one of my band mates had asked him how we were. That was it. We were strained because of the London thing anyway and I think the though of me confiding in someone (not in any detail, just very brief points) was too much for me.

We sorted things out over Christmas but things have not been the same, he's permanently in dad mode and we get no time to cuddle up and be a couple. We haven't been out together in weeks. Sounds pathetic but this comes after sacrificing everything! I've lost everything.

grapelovingweirdo Fri 07-Mar-14 08:57:09

Sister is 26, daughter is 14. Get on well with and love both.

Superworm Fri 07-Mar-14 08:57:23

Exhaustion doesn't make people physically violent. He has assaulted you and threatened to kill you.

You and your sister are not safe. Thus is not the right environment for her as she is fleeing DV.

Please speak to womens aid. They can help you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 09:02:24

You've only lost everything if you stick around for more abuse. Get shot of him, start fresh and you've gained your life back

grapelovingweirdo Fri 07-Mar-14 09:02:49

I will speak to women's aid today. The problem is that I feel like a fraud. The push hurt a little bit but I feel like I don't want to take resources from people who have been properly beaten up and fearing for their lives. I work full time, rent privately and have never relied on anyone for anything. I feel like I don't deserve help.

grapelovingweirdo Fri 07-Mar-14 09:04:35

Have only ever been with one other person and that was for seven years. He hit me a few times, bit my face and threw (at the time, six stone and anorexic) little me at a wall.

Why has this happened again? Am I turning nice men into monsters?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 09:04:42

You're not a fraud. Domestic Abuse is a horrible thing whatever form it takes. You don't have to have a black eye to be a victim. You may not need refuge per se but what you need is advice and assistance that recognises you are in a potentially dangerous situation.

MorrisZapp Fri 07-Mar-14 09:06:07

Of course you deserve help. What you need is clear advice, it's not as if you're asking them for cash. They are there to advise anybody who needs it, regardless of income or circumstances.

You're living with a man who has threatened to kill you. You need help.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 09:07:11

"Am I turning nice men into monsters?"

Not at all. You're simply unlucky. Abusive, controlling, bullying men, like the devil, 'can assume pleasing shapes'. They don't walk about with signs around their necks so we can avoid them. They are not abusive all the time or immediately, they ramp it up gradually and imperceptibly so that you become conditioned to thinking it's normal behaviour.

MorrisZapp Fri 07-Mar-14 09:08:00

Of course you aren't turning nice men into monsters. You couldn't if you tried. You're possibly making poor choices but this is something you can work on later, when you are free from him and safe.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 07-Mar-14 09:10:03

No, you are not turning nice men into monsters: only they are responsible for their own words and actions.

You are probably giving far too much time and leeway to not-nice men, though.

But now is not the time to examine your boundaries: you can do that once you're free of this relationship. Your first priority is to move him out, or move out yourself. Do call 0808 2000 247 to discuss your options.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 07-Mar-14 09:13:21

I remember your previous threads, please leave him sad

hellsbellsmelons Fri 07-Mar-14 09:15:07

If it's happened before then you definitely need to contact Women's Aid.
They can help you. You can also speak to them about doing the 'Freedom Programme'
That will help you identify potential abusive men for future relationships and find out about boundaries etc.....
Do make an exit plan though.
Could you maybe rent a 2 bed flat with your sister somewhere close by.
Short term rent for now.
Then start looking at jobs in London again and never again sacrifice your career or life for a man.
He has shown you who he is, believe him and get out as quickly as possible.

Abbykins1 Fri 07-Mar-14 09:16:59

Your DP's behaviour was unforgivable and doesn't bode well for the future but just to play devils advocate for a moment.

In his mind he could have thought you were putting the needs of your friend above his.

Logg1e Fri 07-Mar-14 09:18:10

Your sister is an adult, it is not your responsibility to home her, although I think you should certainly combine your efforts to find your next home together.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 09:20:46

I've just glanced back through some previous threads. His behaviour has been very bad for a very long time

This from November.... I just called him up on grabbing my boob in front of his 13 year old daughter and he called me frigid.

From April ... Since then, he seems to doubt me all the time, says I don't prioritise him enough, I go out too much and generally don't being anything to the relationship, his exact words were "you're a useless wanker".

Please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Get yourself and your sister away...

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