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I just want to throttle him!

(19 Posts)
Autismslave Fri 07-Mar-14 06:53:25

My husband is driving me insane. He has suffered with depression and anxiety in the past but had been off meds for about 2 yrs. I know this isn't something he can control and I have always supported him through the bad times. However at the moment he has some issues with his bowels he has all symptoms of ibd but refuses to see a doctor. Yesterday he took himself off to bed in the middle of the day and left me to deal with the baby and our son after being up most if the night and trying to pack the house up fur a move. I cannot even get in the shower without asking him if he will keep a ear/ eye out for the baby. He says I am on maternity leave so I should be maternal! The list goes on and on tbh I just so not coping well with him and we have a lot going on at the mo and I really need his support for once. How can I make him see he needs help he always says I push him into doing stuff but if I didn't he would sit on his backside all day playing ps4. He doesn't work he is full time carer to our autistic son

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 07:25:11

"I know this isn't something he can control"

Really? hmm There may be some things he can't control but he can certainly control playing games all day and smart-mouthing you instead of pulling his weight. He can control being a PITA at home with a bit of a stomach-ache rather than doing the intelligent thing and seeing a GP.

I think you're being played.

Autismslave Fri 07-Mar-14 07:28:05

I think I am too I just don't know what to do about it!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 07:33:24

Stop thinking in terms of 'how can I make him see?' (because he can see perfectly well, he's just bone-idle)... don't listen to his whining about being 'pushed' and put a rocket up him the same as you would with anyone else who was standing in your way. He makes the GP appointment and gets the right treatment or he gets out of bed and helps pack for the house move. Bish bash bosh!!! I don't know what 'a lot going on at the mo' involves but if you have friends or family, call on them for help as well.

No more making allowances for his so-called problems, yes?

Autismslave Fri 07-Mar-14 07:37:19

We moved 50 miles away from friend / family cos he doesn't get on with his. I miss mine! I am so lonely sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 07:39:09

50 miles is not the end of the world. Why not give them a call, have a chat and see if they want to come over for the weekend? He sounds like a miserable bugger.

Autismslave Fri 07-Mar-14 07:44:57

Thanks am ok though just needed to vent haven't seem or spoken to friends for years I only see my mum once a fortnight think I need to go back to work x

Lavenderhoney Fri 07-Mar-14 08:06:59

How on earth did he convince you to move? If you were fine with yours and have a new baby and work? Can you move back? Or cancel the move?

Have you just had a baby? And he's taken to his bed? You have to put yourself first here, and the baby. He doesn't get any more attention, and comments about you're on maternity so you do it are awful.

Tell him to get his act together and call the gp. If he won't, take it at face value he is being a twat. Does he know you will step up and do it all instead, is that what you've done before?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 08:07:11

I'm just speculating here but is your DH part of the reason why you haven't seen or spoken to your friends for years? Does he deter them or make them feel uncomfortable? Does he monopolise your time? Why doesn't he get on with his family?

Autismslave Fri 07-Mar-14 08:13:11

We moved 3 years ago when things were good! He is just rude when they did come he would just ignore the conversation and not join in or anything. He likes me at home tbh and I have to step up to do things or they wouldn't get done so I guess he does know I'll pick up the pieces. I can't move back my son is so settled and any massive changes are so stressful for him. I am actually wondering if my husband had aspergers since going through it all with my son I am not sure he actually knows how rude or upsetting or selfish he is.

Onesieone Fri 07-Mar-14 08:18:34

Listen Autism. I have been that soldier. I was married to a man like ur husband for 12 yrs! I became as miserable and "depressed " as he was. I was working all the hours god sent to pay for his "hobbies" because I was worried he would get more depressed if I didn't.

It took a visit to my friends house to realise what a fuck up my marriage was. I was being PLAYED! I'm not saying LTB I'm just saying stick up for URSELF from the start. Don't let him put u in a position where u r putting his mealtime and mental health before ur own. Xxxxx good luck.

TeenyW123 Fri 07-Mar-14 08:21:45


Can you just have a look at the Emotionally Abusive thread and read a few links on the first page please?

I have a funny feeling about your husband and I'd like to be proved wrong before posters invest too much time in trying to respond to your initial post.

Autismslave Fri 07-Mar-14 08:21:48

I just can't i don't have fight left I just can't waste my energy on that an my poor boy would be so so confused x

TeenyW123 Fri 07-Mar-14 08:23:24

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 08:27:07

I'm also starting to think he's pulling some classic emotionally abusive tricks....

- Isolating you from friends and family geographically and emotionally by creating an unpleasant environment for visitors
- Slacking domestically so that your time is monopolised and you're at home instead of interacting with others.
- Playing on real or imagined health problems as a way to excuse poor behaviour & make you feel guilty about demanding he shapes up.

And the result is that you are depressed, lonely, isolated, have no fight left in you and feel trapped. That's a pretty good working definition of the victim of emotional abuse. Sorry

Onesieone Fri 07-Mar-14 08:28:33

Aw pet! I wish I knew u in real life. I know how u feel. Ur sleep deprived too. My son is Autistic but thankfully slept through the night. Now I am divorced I can see so clearly how I initially thought I was helping my ex but I was actually enabling his selfishness and actually making him worse. He got to the point were he thought he deserved to be waited on hand and foot. I remember after a particularly exhausting night shift (where I usually stayed up ) I asked him to mind the DC's so I could go to bed. He said he would mind the kids if he had to but he wouldn't feed them! Like it was a fucking favour to me!!!

I think u need to try to get some sleep and a little space. Could uaybe go stay with ur folks or friends for 1 night even?

Loveineveryspoonful Fri 07-Mar-14 08:30:44

Autism, I left my first ea dh because I literally felt he was driving me mad. I waited until my maternity leave was over and I could afford to support myself. My dithering had me at the doors of the psychiatric unit but fortunately they were v kind and told me to leave my marriage (!). I wasn't mad, I was being played. I needed to swallow a huge chunk of pride to acknowledge that. Yes, my ds suffered for a short time but I got dh to leave and we settled down again, quite happily. Wishing you strength for you and yours.

Onesieone Fri 07-Mar-14 08:33:03

Hope you are ok OP. I'm sure all this advice is bearing down on you. If u are sleep deprived you will be feeling overwhelmed. Defo think u should try to get a night away where someone can help u with the kids so u can rest and get ur head together.

ArtVandelay Fri 07-Mar-14 12:08:27

I hate it when mean lazy people blame their behaviour on depression. Medically speaking, I have severe depression but I achieve allsorts. I just have to take my tablets, count my blessings and do my best. Even if your husband is ill, he's really not doing his best is he? You sound like you are a supportive partner - maybe he needs a kick up the bum like being asked to leave and come back when he's ready to contribute. This is not right what he's doing.

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