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I don't know how to act/feel around H

(7 Posts)
TickledOnion Thu 06-Mar-14 22:22:04

H and I are separating. He decided he didn't love me anymore and had an affair. He is in love with OW, though they are not moving in together and he is staying with a friend until he gets his own place this weekend.

He comes round a lot to help with the DDs. Gets them ready for nursery so I can get to work on time, picks them up from nursery so I don't have to leave early and sometimes stays to help with bath and bed.

I am being cool with him around the DDs, but I am finding it hard not to be much more friendly. I have to stop myself telling him about my day or recounting a funny thing that happened with the DDs.

At the same time I can't decide whether I want him to keep coming round as it makes my life much easier or stick to a more formal arrangement once he has his own place.

I don't know if I want him to realise what a mistake he has made or if I secretly hope he might want to get back together if I am nice to him or if I want to punish him by being not so nice.

It's driving me a bit crazy. I feel like I should be angry with him and trying to make his life difficult but it doesn't come naturally to me.

Lavenderhoney Thu 06-Mar-14 22:36:22

Will he be doing all that when he moves in with the OW?

Its two things isn't it? Best for you and best for dc. Have you thought what arrangements you will make for when he stops helping you? It might be good to instigate now so you are used to it and so are your dc. Its not about being nice, its about getting a plan in place so that your dd don't think he's coming back and times and dates are set. Not dropping in and out when it suits, and seeing the dc at your house. No wonder you are confused!

Is it confusing for them that he comes and goes as he pleases? I hope he doesn't have a key!

For your own peace of mind and to help you move on- I assume you have spoken to a solicitor/ cab and have taken advice on divorce and maintenance?

It might make you feel better to be the one to put some rules in place, not him when he finally moves in with ow and messes you and the dc about, which he may do.

FolkGirl Thu 06-Mar-14 22:41:17

I do tell my exH about funny things the children have said, or daft things we've done. It reminds him of what he threw away.

breaking2bad Thu 06-Mar-14 22:43:02

When my husband had an affair and left guilt made him come round often to help me and sheer anger on my part made him help me - if you catch my drift. But it was his coming and going which messed with my head. Despite what he did to me I jut got soaked up in thoughts with how we used to bathe our dd together etc. I also felt that it was confusing to her.

As soon as I put a stop to it, it worked wonders for my mentality. I'd also suggest counselling if you can afford it, or maybe your employer might find it.

Out of sight is out of mind when getting over a betrayal

breaking2bad Thu 06-Mar-14 22:44:45

Can I suggest you google chump lady, will certainly help you realise you're not alone and that your ex isn't worth your tears and stress grin

TickledOnion Thu 06-Mar-14 23:09:14

Thanks for replying. I was expecting harsher replies.

I think I need to work out what's best for the DDs. We are telling DD1 (4yo) on Sunday. I think the coming and going will have to stop as it will be confusing for her. I also think her inevitable distress will harden my heart against him.

I am taking a certain amount of pleasure in cooking delicious meals for me and the girls that he can smell when he's here but wouldn't dare eat.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Mar-14 05:52:44

The delicious meal thing says you're still doing what is euphemistically known around here as the 'pick me dance' and it's stressful and demeaning. So is the whole business of him acting normal, but not normal, in your house all the time playing Happy Families. I think you have to find a different arrangement to get DDs ready for nursery pretty urgently and also start to insist that he sees them outside your house. Detaching will make the separation 'real' and that's when you will start to deal with it properly - not live in false hopes.

What's best for the DDs is usually what's best for you.

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