Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help, What do you call your cheating husband?

(74 Posts)
no5 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:02:42

I just found out. I feel numb and I dont feel sad or upset. I'm angry and I'm in shock, never in million years I will be writing this. I dont shout or use much swear words in RL, I can't think of what to call him. I can only think of cheating bustard, heartless, deceitful, two faced, dickhead, what else.... Is it normal? I thought I will be smashing all his gadgets, spraying his car with paint, and cutting his clothes into hundred peices. But I dont feel like that, I dont understand? Help me.... When he come home I want to shout and call hime names and what him know he hurt me so badly. And I want answer for my questions. I want to talk but the same time I dont want to talk to anyone in RL.

OurMiracle1106 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:04:05

Disloyal, unfaithful, greedy, uncaring, selfish, lying, thoughtless (all not swear words)

Smilesandpiles Thu 06-Mar-14 16:11:25

Mine are all swear words <classy>

Offred Thu 06-Mar-14 16:11:39

I would have thought STBXH would suffice. You really don't need to waste your breath saying anymore.

no5 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:12:16

I obviously needed to add that I'm not British, and English is not my first language. It really hurts, but I seem not able to get it out in words sad

Offred Thu 06-Mar-14 16:13:10

What answers do you need?

Normal to feel in shock.

Don't allow yourself to indulge in OW hate or the pick me dance and watch out for hysterical bonding as the next stage.

Kick him out, get some space.

Smilesandpiles Thu 06-Mar-14 16:14:06

Seriously though,

Tell him you need space for a few days and he has to find somewhere to stay.

In a week or so have a talk, but anything before then is going to be far too confusing and you'll be desperate to hear what you want to hear.

Give it a week or longer if you can with no contact. Cry, rage, rant, throw things, repaint something - do anything it takes, but don't rush it.

JeanSeberg Thu 06-Mar-14 16:14:11

Sorry you're going through this no5. I hope you manage to get him out of the family home tonight so you can have some thinking space tonight.

Do you have children?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Thu 06-Mar-14 16:15:47

There are many words that would be appropriate. Selfish twatting cunt seems to cover most bases.

I don't swear in RL either, but if I ever found out my H had been cheating I would make an exception.

I hope you are OK. Do you know what you are dealing with yet? Is it a one-off shag or an actual full on affair? sad

LettertoHermioneGranger Thu 06-Mar-14 16:16:24

I'm so sorry.

If I may, you don't need to shout at him right now. It may not be the best course of action. You should first consider your next steps. Will you be kicking him out? Will you be leaving? Do you have children? If so, screaming at their father before he leaves might leave the wrong impression on them, and the situation is already going to be intense for them. Please look at the practical sides. If you have a joint account, you should make sure your money is removed and placed in your own account. If you found out through emails, messages, etc, make sure you have copies saved and printed out in case you need proof of his infidelity later. Don't destroy his stuff, don't give him anything to use against you.

This is a horrible situation and I'm sorry you're going through it. I honestly think the best thing to do is calmly confront him, and firmly explain what is now going to happen - him leaving, divorce, etc. And make sure the accounts are settled before, as once confronted he may lash out or do a runner and leave you (and possible children?) in a bad situation.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Mar-14 16:17:22

Ex husband

no5 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:32:15

Thank you, printer is working busy. Found emails and also FB account on different name. Think it has been going on for a few months. Im angry but I'm calm, untill this moment we had very happy life together with two beautiful children. I'm stay at home mum and I'm devoted my carin husband, or I was.

Lweji Thu 06-Mar-14 16:34:20

Bastard, as in Leave the bastard.

deelite72 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:35:22

'Gone'. It's an easy one to remember.

Onesleeptillwembley Thu 06-Mar-14 16:35:42

I've never had one, but I'd be calling him an ambulance then I'd be calling him my ex!

struggling100 Thu 06-Mar-14 16:40:01

When I found out my ex was cheating, I was incoherent. I literally couldn't speak - it was like my throat was furred up with rage and hurt. When I tried to talk my voice was all hoarse and crackly. I ended up brandishing printed off emails at him and croaking, which wasn't dignified and achieved nothing.

What I'm trying to say is that I think it's very normal to struggle to articulate that amount of pain, physically, emotionally, and linguistically. The thing is: you don't have to. You are under no obligation to make him feel how much this has hurt you. Even though it's natural to want to do so, if he were remotely able to understand that pain, he wouldn't have done this in the first place.

I think the best thing to do is to stick to actions. You've had good advice already about getting copies of evidence, and I'm glad your printer is humming away. If you can possibly hold it together, consult a lawyer and make sure you have a financial strategy in place before you confront him.

DrankSangriaInThePark Thu 06-Mar-14 16:45:17

Does he know you know yet?

What are you going to do?

SpringyReframed Thu 06-Mar-14 16:49:40

The last words I spoke to my ex were on the phone. After another bit of pathetic avoidance of family responsibilities in the aftermath of of me kicking him out and him working out what his dick led existence had got him into I called him a "gutless prick". I feel quite smug that I managed to end on such a triumphant high!

However, to give advice, I would say be as cold and emotionless as possible. Bloody hard but probably the best way. They do not hear ranting.

Best of luck OP. It really does get better however much you cant imagine that now.

Lweji Thu 06-Mar-14 16:53:49

My marriage didn't end because of cheating, but DV. Still, in the middle of all the hurt and disappointment, etc, I could only really voice what I wanted to happen. And that was to end the relationship.
There was no point in discussing it, or tell him what I thought or how hurt I was. I just told him to get out.

Cabrinha Thu 06-Mar-14 17:01:27

I never really shouted or swore. I am a swearer day to day, but I don't do "rage" very well.
The best I really managed was calm, cold and disdainful "you do realise another woman would be screaming at you and calling you a bastard c****, yes?"

It's OK. You don't have to swear.

But you do have to decide what you want to do next. Get him to leave for now, ignore any minimising or attempt to blame you, and go to see a solicitor to understand your options, especially around finances.

Swearing and shouting helps some, just getting rid of the pathetic excuse for a husband is enough for others.

Sorry you're going through this x

Smilesandpiles Thu 06-Mar-14 17:20:53

If you can manage it...

Stone cold deathly silence is ALWAYS a good one I've found - it takes some self control though.

Just don't say a word or react. At all. Ever.

It's also quite evil as it really plays mind games with them.

When you are on your own though - let rip.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 06-Mar-14 18:33:02

I called mine a doorknob
Then followed it up with 'everyone's had a turn'

I was too raged up and close to tears when I found out plus cold and shaky.
When I confronted him, he beat me like a dog and kicked me round the head sad be careful when you confront, the most mild mannered people can lash out when confronted with evidence of their fuckwittery..
I'm sorry you're going through this too sad its awful x

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 06-Mar-14 18:35:01

I would follow the stone cold silence rule tbh it'll save you feeling like a muppet after saying something in a rage and or shouting in front of the kids

KingR0llo Thu 06-Mar-14 18:36:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KingR0llo Thu 06-Mar-14 18:37:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: