Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How to handle this friends situation?

(46 Posts)
tigerbread123 Thu 06-Mar-14 15:03:22

About a year ago I fell out with a friend. TBH she had done/said lots of things that weren't very friend-like, but the final straw was when I refused to take her daughter somewhere, and she turned up at my house ranting and raving at me. She said some awful things and tried to slap me round the face. I decided at that point that the friendship was over and done with, and that was that, and I told her so.

Our daughters are friends at school and I have obviously seen her several times at the school and at things like parties, but I am always polite, but I refuse to have anything to do with her. I have told a handful of close friends about what she did, but I don't bitch about her. In fact, she's just no longer on my radar really.

During the past year she's taken it upon herself to be-friend lots of people that I am friends with, including the women that I am close to, and who know about what she did. Of course, I don't expect anyone to take sides or anything like that.

However, now two of my close friends keep badgering me to 'be friends' with her again, saying things that life is too short to bear grudges (I don't bear a grudge, I just don't wish to have her in my life), and making excuses for her doing what she did (she's lonely/depressed/was having a hard time).

To be honest I am getting sick of it all. Like I said, I don't expect anyone to take sides but I do expect my friends to respect my views, respect my decision and to acknowledge that she did act badly. I don't see what they are going to achieve with their actions apart from pissing me off? I did mention to one of them that I am upset by how she keeps justifying things, and she tried to back pedal but it's actually put me off being good friends with her now.

How would you handle this situation?

ohfourfoxache Thu 06-Mar-14 15:08:04

You might have to just be very blunt with them - say that they are entitled to their views and that you respect them, but equally that they have to respect the fact that you have made a decision not to have this person in your life.

If they can't accept it then sadly you may have to find some more understanding friends

coppertop Thu 06-Mar-14 15:10:41

" life is too short to bear grudges"

Life is also too short to spend with people who bring nothing positive to your life.

struggling100 Thu 06-Mar-14 15:11:16

I think you are the victim of someone who is representing you as mean behind your back, when she is in fact in the wrong.

When this happens, I would explain very calmly and quietly that you don't bear a grudge, that you've forgiven what happened and will always be nice and polite to her, but that due to past events you don't feel comfortable being close to her any longer. Say that you appreciate them bringing it up to clear the air, but that as it's a painful subject, you'd appreciate it if they didn't mention it again.

The key is to be quiet, firm and unemotional. Don't go into detail or ask their approval for your actions - have faith in the fact that your decision is completely reasonable. They should then respect your boundaries.

HelenHen Thu 06-Mar-14 15:24:55

What struggling said!!!!!!!

Sounds like an awful situation though sad hopefully your friends will understand! If they don't, they're not worth it!

LisaMed Thu 06-Mar-14 15:37:49

You could say that you think that life is too short to worry about getting smacked in the mouth as the woman has tried to. Or that do they want be locked in a room with all the people that have threatened them?

Good luck.

tigerbread123 Thu 06-Mar-14 15:42:49

Thank you everyone!

I have to admit I am leaning towards not bothering with these friends much anymore and just letting them be friends with her. I can't help but feel that they're probably talking about me behind my back.

struggling, I think you're right that this woman is misrepresenting what has happened. She's pretty good at being a victim and having a sob story so no doubt she's painting herself as a 'poor me'

tigerbread123 Thu 06-Mar-14 22:02:55

Grrrrrr I got a text this evening from one of them inviting me on a night out tomorrow night, but saying that my ex friend is going too and that she hopes I will come along and 'try to get along' with the ex friend.

I don't think I'll bother going!

HelenHen Thu 06-Mar-14 22:30:16

Wtf? They're really pushing this, eh? I'm sorry, it sounds shite! I'd just reply saying 'no thanks' and then distance myself from them (depending on my mood). Do you have other friends? Sounds like she's definitely been playing the victim.

tigerbread123 Thu 06-Mar-14 22:32:53

Yeah, luckily I have other friends to spend time with. Think I'll leave them to get on with it. the 'no thanks' text is a good idea too

alemci Thu 06-Mar-14 22:38:41

yes move on. why would you want to bother with someone who tries to harm you, don't be pressurised by mutual friends. she may turn on them as well at some point

Fizzycandy Thu 06-Mar-14 22:53:39

No, why alienate yourself from the other friends? I would get dressed up, put a big smile on my face, go out and be the life and soul of the night, laughing & responding positively to the weird ex friend but enduring that you're never alone with her for a 1:1 conversation- and make an excuse to leave earlyish before everyone gets too tipsy- why deny yourself the other friends because of her? Just be easy breezy on the night & the weird friend won't have anything to say about you!

happylittlebear Thu 06-Mar-14 23:24:14

I've been in a similar situation with BILs girlfriend.

I had a falling out with her a few years ago after she said some terrible things to me and about me, the first time I let it go as she was very drunk and everyone badgered me to "be friends"... the next time it happened, she came to our home for a family party, ignored me when I spoke to her, started an argument in front of everyone, then called me a bitch.

She apologised a few weeks later but I said wanted nothing to do with her and she was no longer welcome in my home.

Since then, I've had no end of people trying to get me to "make up" with her but I don't entertain them.

I've parroted out the same thing again and again "I don't like her, I don't trust her, she has been nasty and cruel to me and about me, she brings nothing to my life, I don't want her in it" I've told them I don't want them to be on "my side" I just don't want anything to do with her. Gradually they've stopped asking.

You don't have to explain to anyone why you don't want to be friends with this woman, and I wouldn't consider anyone trying to force that on you a very good friend tbh

tigerbread123 Sun 09-Mar-14 17:49:25

I ended up just replying 'no thanks' and then didn't hear anything further from my friend. I am going to just leave them to it to be her friend for the time being. Hopefully in time they'll realise what a twat she is anyway. As soon as they won't play ball and be her lapdogs she'll get nasty.

kickassangel Sun 09-Mar-14 18:15:23

I really hate being told to forgive and forget when someone has totally overstepped the line. People just want you to make up as it makes their lives easier, not because it is the right thing to do.

If they try to push it any further, just remind them that she verbally and physically assaulted you, but you graciously did not involve the police and instead have decided just to keep yourself distant.

Nobody should ever have to be all chummy with a person who treated them like that. As you say, it's probably only a matter of time before she starts on one of them.

deakymom Sun 09-Mar-14 23:02:07

oooh yes lets all forgive and forget eh? no thank you i can decide to ignore and remove myself from the situation but forgive AND forget is asking too much

tigerbread123 Thu 27-Mar-14 22:39:45

Bit of an update:

After the night out, my friends didn't really mention her again to me. However there is a school assembly tomorrow morning, to which parents are invited. I sent a text to my friend today (the one that invited me on the night out with the ex friend) and asked if she was going, and her reply was:

'Yes I am, but just to let you know that Y (my other friend) and I, are going to sit with Z (nasty ex friend) at the assembly, so it's probably best if you don't sit with us'

I am SO cross!

roadwalker Thu 27-Mar-14 22:46:12

It sounds like she has worked her way into your friendships to cause trouble
I am not surprised you are cross. I would leave them too it and work on other friendships

ohfourfoxache Thu 27-Mar-14 22:48:44

Sadly it looks like you have your answer sad

Distance yourself, establish new friendships - frankly they are just not worth the effort

Quinteszilla Thu 27-Mar-14 22:52:22

She is a Wendy. Just leave them be.

Text back "Thanks for the warning, I dont want to be near X and her terrible temper, as you know"

pictish Thu 27-Mar-14 22:52:34

She sent you that text? Is she 7?

Well that's you told isn't it? Bloody hell. Mate I'm so sorry...that blows!

ScarletStar Thu 27-Mar-14 22:55:22

Something similar happened to me, where I had to completely block a person from my life and she then befriended someone I know. I occasionally hear stories about how this person is just vulnerable and other crap like that. I smile and nod and don't offer any comeback. I'm just biding my time till this 'vulnerable' girl fucks off yet another person. smile

It must be very frustrating but all you can do is leave them to it. It's their loss, not yours.

Quinteszilla Thu 27-Mar-14 22:58:29

This is why I dont bother with friends, and why I have not made friends in the play ground. I just cant be bothered with people. They are so tiresome.

Cringechilli Thu 27-Mar-14 23:02:05

You are better off without any of them. That last text about the seats in assembly sounds like it was written by an 8 year old.

Dirtybadger Thu 27-Mar-14 23:05:40

Sit where there's space and the best view. Fuck them. I want to say sit with your head in the way but I then feel like it'd be hypocritical to say them pathetic and immature...confused

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: