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Having a wobble- help/ advice needed

(16 Posts)
buttonortwo Thu 06-Mar-14 13:04:44

Split with ex partner in November, both late 30 s both divorced, met at vulnerable times in both our lives but as similar experiences did not see this as a bad thing. Unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage. Violence on 2 occasions and also some threats and name calling. Took all my strength to get out of it, as he pursued for months, turned up at my property..
He eventually went. I went into overdrive and denial I think. Now I'm having a wobble, thinking about the good times, what it would be like if I contacted him.. Don't know what I'd find as he might be with someone else now.. Is this normal? Is it just part of getting over him or should I contact him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Mar-14 13:09:42

Yes, normal. Especially if you haven't plugged the companionship gap he probably left in your life and you're lonely. Definitely don't contact him but see it as a cue to perk up your social life, book a holiday, get out and about, see old friends, throw yourself into your work, or whatever it takes to get past this little phase.

LavenderGreen14 Thu 06-Mar-14 13:09:48

Yes perfectly normal and understandable. No you know you mustn't contact him

Have you considered the Freedom Programme - if not in person, you can do it online for free Here

Lottapianos Thu 06-Mar-14 13:11:53

'Is this normal? Is it just part of getting over him or should I contact him?'

Yes, yes and definitely not. What you're feeling is perfectly normal. There must have been some good times or you would never have stayed with him so it's natural to want to cling onto what was good in the relationship and hope that things could be all good if you got back together.

Ask yourself if you deserve a violent partner? If you deserve to be called names and threatened? Is that the best you can do? Of course it's not. All those horrible things were part of the relationship too and will be right there waiting for you if you go back. You deserve much better than to be with a violent thug.

Men like this don't change without tons of self-awareness and years of hard work through therapy. Most just don't have the ability to change. Don't take the risk. It's time to focus on you now.

buttonortwo Thu 06-Mar-14 13:14:04

It's so tempting to contact him as obv not everything was bad. Perhaps yes it loneliness. Would contacting him just set me back or give closure?

Lottapianos Thu 06-Mar-14 13:16:28

I would say it will set you back - if he wants you back, he will turn on the charm and it will be difficult for you to stay with the memories of the violence and threats. It will also give him the message that you don't really mean what you say - he just has to wait long enough and you will come crawling back.

I know how hard this is, I've been there, but honestly it's not worth it OP.

Finola1step Thu 06-Mar-14 13:17:52

It is a wobble. Perfectly normal. Do not contact him. This too will pass. The worse thing you can do is make contact. He will love that!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Mar-14 13:20:22

Closure? Ever heard the expression 'let sleeping dogs lie'? In this case leave the sleep dog where it is and take a brisk walk firmly in the other direction

Chyochan Thu 06-Mar-14 14:00:55

I think about contacting my ex to try to get some closure but, if you think about it logicaly, the chances of it working out for you are very slim.

It is very unlikely he will be willing to give you any real answers or take any kind of responsibility, and even if he did would you believe a word he says, its very unlikely to be the truth.

It will certainly boost his ego and achieve nothing for you except giving him another chance to put you down.

LavenderGreen14 Thu 06-Mar-14 14:03:13

I agree - he won't be honest or kind - you will just end up hurt. Or are you hoping he has changed and is sorry and he can come back with everything forgotten?

buttonortwo Thu 06-Mar-14 16:47:11

Wow, very strong view not to contact him then. No I don't deserve violence or put downs, perhaps I'm making excuses for him. By why am I doing this? Why do I feel he has a hold over me and things he used to say still pop into my head? I wasn't great at times in the relationship either, felt under solo much pressure. 4 months no contact.

Lottapianos Thu 06-Mar-14 17:07:50

Cannot recommend counselling enough OP. It will help you to find answers to all those questions and help you to be more independent in relationships

buttonortwo Thu 06-Mar-14 17:11:36

I am independent in relationships and after being with exh 13 yrs I think I'm realistic, but feel somehow like I was taken in and was trapped. Perhaps low self esteem and me not being assertive enough, coupled with a strong personality, insecure controlling man... Yes counselling may help

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Mar-14 17:28:20

One reason that abusive relationships are particularly 'sticky' is that there is often a big psychological element to them. Yes, low self-esteem and lack of assertiveness could play a part but abusive men can be utterly ruthless when it comes to manipulation and head-fuckery. Creating fear and doubt and playing on insecurities is the only way they can keep hold of a partner. No-one is immune, be assured of that.

When you've spent a long time rationalising why you should stay with someone, minimising their behaviour, finding ways to cope e.g. clinging to the good times to get through the bad ones.... it's a hard habit to break.

From a distance, all the crap recedes because we're designed not to remember pain. It's a self-preservation mechanism - quite normal. What's left is a combination of nostalgia and a feeling of 'we weren't so bad together' which, combined with loneliness, can be a toxic mix that leads to bad decision-making. Counselling can potentially help you fill in the blanks, understand how abusive men operate, and find ways to boost your resilience.

CurtWild Thu 06-Mar-14 18:00:56

Cog that's a brilliant post! I've popped onto a few threads, OP, as I'm newly separated and whilst I'm mostly stronger, happier, regaining my confidence etc I'm wobbling every now and then, too, especially after he's visited DC and on his best behaviour. I think oh, I remember how lovely he can be. And I wonder if separating was the right thing. But the part in Cog's post about abusers playing on insecurities is bang on and exactly what he did, and how we're programmed to forget pain. I feel like I've forgotten half the awful things he did and seem to be focusing on the good, plus five years and 3 DC together there are many, many wonderful times to remember.
I guess it's par for the course that we miss part of what we had, and after a long time together then it is like breaking a habit.
Although the last thing I want to do is dwell on the crap times, maybe we need to give ourselves a quick reminder when we're having a wobble, and remind ourselves we deserve better smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 06-Mar-14 18:25:32

If the good times were insufficient to keep you together last year, and you suffered months of harassment and upset when you did split, I can't imagine why now he would act any better. More likely he would see this as a passport to grind you down even more if you did risk contacting him.

Closure was when you saw him for what he was and endured sleepless nights and tears. Please don't let the wolf back in after all the trouble you went to getting rid of him.

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