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Is this something to worry about?

(16 Posts)
muchtooshy Thu 06-Mar-14 07:10:46

I have been dating a man for a few weeks now and he is nice - kind, thoughtful, calls when he says he will. We get on well and see each other a couple of times a week. He seems a bit ...... out there with some of his ideas about sex and I don't know if that would be an issue in the future. I don't know whether to just call it all off now before I get really attached. I have not much relationship experience so I don't know if it is normal.

Back2Two Thu 06-Mar-14 07:14:43

A lot depends not on what he is asking/suggesting that you do sex wise, but more on how he responds if you are uncomfortable with it or don't want to do it.

If he is considerate and kind and a genuinely good person he will not pester, badger, ask more than once. If you say you don't feel like doing some thing he has suggested that should be enough. Not raised again unless you raise it.

MrsKCastle Thu 06-Mar-14 07:14:44

It depends- is he making suggestions which you're free to say no to, or does he have expectations of what you 'should' be doing? Is he putting you under pressure?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Mar-14 07:22:14

Define 'out there'? Generally speaking, if something about a person makes you uncomfortable, however trivial or irrational, trust your judgement rather than feeling obliged to go along with it.

Theoldhag Thu 06-Mar-14 07:23:40

You should only ever do what is comfortable for you, if you feel that you do not share his ideas and view on sexual acts and feel that their would be a huge mis-match then if I were in your shoes I would seriously question wether or not to carry on dating this man no matter how lovely he is in other areas.

I firmly believe that I order to have a fulfilling sexual relationship then people really need to be on the same wavelength. I also feel that many sexual fantasies should stay just fantasies and not acted out, as it can often cause lots of problems.

There are a lot of people that watch porn (not to say that your new man does) and their appetites are driven by what they see. In this age of instant gratification via the internet, porn has become more violent and degrading. Acts that were once more fringe have become increasingly more popular.

Stay true to your ideals and listen to your gut instinct

Lweji Thu 06-Mar-14 07:34:11

You're the judge of what is acceptable regarding sex for you. Nobody else.

jesy Thu 06-Mar-14 07:42:50

I'd say if your uncomfortable then it was An issue.
I was seeing someone who basically wanted to watch me wee, to me this was a no go not in a sex way if that makes sense.
Plus in retrospect the gentle slapping on bum would have been an issue.
As sex is such a personal thing I'd just think what you do you find acceptable etc .

Martorana Thu 06-Mar-14 07:50:31

If he asks you to do something and you say no, how does he react?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 06-Mar-14 08:59:54

If you're asking what is "normal" then it sounds like you're willing to be swayed by other people's views - either ours, or this man's.

Don't.

There is no "normal". You know what you're happy with, and what you're not happy with. Both you and your boyfriend should be willing to respect that.

Joysmum Thu 06-Mar-14 09:16:44

You decide your boundaries, wanting to conform to a norm doesn't come into it at all.

My DH and I both have things we'd like to try that the other doesn't. This isn't an issue for us because there's no pressure, no longing. Having said that, we both enjoy things we never thought we'd even try, let alone enjoy when we first got together. Our sex life has evolved as our relationship and trust has built.

You need to have an honest chat with this man and see what you think about his attitude to you not sharing his tastes.

kentishgirl Thu 06-Mar-14 14:12:37

Agree there is no normal. Whatever this man wants, some of us on here probably do it as well, some of us have maybe never heard of it, some of us wouldn't want it.

All that matters is that a couple are on roughly the same wavelength when it comes to sex. You need to talk to him about it. If it's something you definitely have no interest in, how does he feel that will effect your sex life and relationship? How important is it to him? It's not right for you to do something you don't like. It's equally not right for him to have a lifetime without something he needs.

muchtooshy Wed 12-Mar-14 07:00:55

He just wants to try lots of different stuff. Maybe it is the age difference and I don't have much experience.

I have never been good at talking about this stuff. Am already in a panic as I am supposed to be staying at his next week and will be on my period. I have never really talked about that as I was brought up that it was personal.

BadSeedsAddict Wed 12-Mar-14 07:06:29

If he is understanding when you explain that you have less experience and feel some things are personal, that's good. If he puts pressure on you or tries to tell you your gut feeling or opinion is wrong, you should be very wary. Because if he's doing that now, he's probably going to continue doing so.

Fullpleatherjacket Wed 12-Mar-14 07:07:22

If he's already talking about doing stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable I'd get out now.

He's testing the boundaries. Effectively grooming with what he thinks is the safe stuff. Chances are he'll try and push a lot further once he's persuaded you to try what he's already suggested.

You seem uncomfortable already and that's a massive red flag to me.

Find a guy who's prepared to respect what you want.

Wishyouwould Wed 12-Mar-14 07:09:27

You've been seeing him a few weeks and he's already talking about what sexual stuff he'd like to try with you? hmm Do you think you know him well enough to be staying over? How did you meet him?

Coelacanth Wed 12-Mar-14 07:11:17

IMO trying lots of different stuff is fine if:

You are completely happy about what that involves
There's no risk to you/him/anyone else
You can say no or stop if you cease feeling comfortable and he respects that
You get to decide which of the things he wants to try that you're happy with and those which are a definitive "no" without having to justify yourself

You've only been seeing him a few weeks and you say you think he's more experienced than you - I'd say being sexually adventurous takes trust and trust takes time. It's also really fine to like vanilla.

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