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What do you think of these messages on DH email?

(223 Posts)
nigella123 Thu 06-Mar-14 04:07:53

I don't know what to think but my stomach is in knots.
He has sent a long email giving a lot of business advise to a woman I also know at the end he has signed it " You are amazing and I am your No 1 fan and chairman of your fan club."
Her reply is "thanks so much for all your advise and help. There is so much I would like to talk to you about - do you think that?"
He replied "We are definitely connected with the same passion, drive, and motivation for life and living"
This was a few days ago - no response from her?
I have not spoken to him about it just trying to process it.
What would you make of these emails?

FabBakerGirl Tue 11-Mar-14 13:06:12

"he likes her but wants us as a family more."

So he wants her then..

nigella123 Tue 11-Mar-14 14:08:15

Thank you all for your comments I still feel very confused though.

I just don't want to throw away a 20 year marriage because he has had coffee a few times with someone. I know he did have feelings for her but if he was 'obsessed' why doesn't he try to see her?

Actually answered my own question - he saw her last week but that was after 2 years.

Russianfudge Tue 11-Mar-14 14:13:07

Have you asked him that direct question?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 11-Mar-14 14:27:01

It wasn't just a coffee a few times though was it?

He kissed her, he told her he wanted to be with her, he says he can't be around her because he wants to 'do things with her'

Sorry OP but you are minimising quite dramatically here.

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 11-Mar-14 14:31:11

Im sorry op. This must be a shock.

I agree with the above. You are minimising. Have you been telling another man that he is your soulmate over the last seven years? Have you been saying that the only reason you are staying is the kids? Have you been sneaking around behind his back? Have you been having 'coffee' with men you 'daren't be alone with', men that you kiss?

I doubt it.

He has been chasing her.

GarlicMarchHare Tue 11-Mar-14 14:38:39

He went through marriage counselling with you, all the while thinking about another woman with love. He kept this from you and the counsellor, which invalidated the process. You didn't answer whether the problems in your relationship also date from the time he fell in love with her. Timelines can be valuable here.

Reading and discussing "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass will be helpful to you both, I think.

BeforeAndAfter Tue 11-Mar-14 14:56:15

I expect you're still in shock at this stage, hence the confusion. When you get angry you'll see things far more clearly and I hope you act decisively.

Here's a glimpse of your future if you convince yourself it was just a few coffees:

He pops out for a paper and it takes longer than it should - you'll be fretting and suspicious
He's away on business - you'll be fretting and suspicious
He's out with a friend - is he really with her?
His phone beeps to show he's got a message - you wonder if that's her and even if he shows you his phone you now presume anything incriminating has been deleted

And so it goes on until you've become this woman you don't recognise. I've been there - my ex was incapable of honesty. He specialised in lying by omission.

Pretending it was just coffee is a lose lose situation for the whole family.

Howlongwaylong Tue 11-Mar-14 19:29:08

Hi Nigella. I have been lurking on this thread with some interest and concern..partially because I have some experience of some of what you are going through

I found out three years ago that my OH had been contacting, taking for dinner, fantasising about a work colleague for around six months. He told me that if his world was different (ie not married to me) he would want to be with her. I am convinced that had I not discovered through looking at texts it would have continued to this day. He still works with her and I think the EA with her was only fully broken last year

I don't think shouts of LTB helped me or will help you. I am still with him because I love him no more no less. I am not a weak, feeble and needy woman, in fact I am now stronger than I have been at any time in our relationship. I made a choice to stay..but that came at some cost. I will never fully trust him again with my feelings and that is a hard way to live. He has made mistakes and he is a liar, and still makes mistakes and lies. That is something that you will probably have to face too if you stay

At the same time I sought out legal advice and know exactly where I would stand if we divorced. I live in an odd but loving relationship that is without delusion for me but with a love that in its own way nurtures me, the children and him and I am, for the moment happy with that. If things change then so be it I have the tools to deal with that as and when.

In my experience I doubt it has been a just few coffees etc and if you peel the onion there will probably be more. However, it is your choice how much you want to know and how you want to deal with it.

I hope this helps. Take care

Russianfudge Wed 12-Mar-14 09:02:02

How are you today nigella?

nigella123 Wed 12-Mar-14 12:33:42

Thanks russianfudge I am feeling a bit steadier today and not so wobbly.

I spoke to my friend about it yesterday and she thinks there is no way they have had an affair or that DH would.

She thinks it may have got a bit out of hand but she knows my DH very well and says he wouldn't do that to me.

Her recollection re OW marriage is that a couple of years ago (dates do tally) did ask her DH to leave but that he refused and wanted t make the marriage work and she appears to have just gone along with it.

My friend said she doesn't seem that happy with him but isn't as bothered about splitting up with him now as she was back then. MMMMM

Russianfudge Wed 12-Mar-14 12:46:50

Strange. Does your friend know about all the emails and meetings?

I'm glad you're feeling steadier. Could you do counselling again now that you can both be honest?

nigella123 Wed 12-Mar-14 12:51:59

Well I told her what I knew but obviously she doesn't know anything more than that. She doesn't think they have had a full blown affair and think s they probably met to talk about work and it's gone a bit too far.

She know's what my DH is like and doesn't think there is any way he would have an 'affair' she knows as well how much he loves his family.

She was really shocked when I told her.

JonesTheSteam Wed 12-Mar-14 12:53:27

Everyone is shocked that my DH had an affair too. Everyone.

It means nothing.

If the circumstances are right I believe everyone is susceptible to flattery and attention.

This is hugely raw for me atm, so sorry if this is upsetting...

Jan45 Wed 12-Mar-14 12:55:14

No offence but most men who have affairs love their families and it's always out of character, of course you're not going to think that of your husband. Your friend is being very supportive but it's not her you should be taking any leads from, it's yourself.

Russianfudge Wed 12-Mar-14 13:23:44

Yes, people literally had to sits own with the shock of it when my ex cheated. In fact my family members demanded evidence!

Millyblods Wed 12-Mar-14 19:01:02

Im sorry but everyone thinks it would never be their husband who would cheat but it happens, especially when things have been tough at home for whatever reason.

Joysmum Wed 12-Mar-14 22:26:36

I can't help but wonder, if she decided she wanted him, would he?

badbaldingballerina123 Wed 12-Mar-14 22:45:54

Sorry Op , but we just kissed is very often cheat speak for we had sex , it's very common. In your shoes I would call his bluff and I'd ask the question again, but I'd add that I had solid evidence. ICheaters are sneaky and manipulative and sometimes you have to resort to similar tactics to get the truth.

Seven years is a long time . In fact some marriages don't last that long. The idea he has put that much effort and emotion into it for that long , with no sex , well , I find that astonishing. Their relationship has already become physical with the kissing , and I think that's the biggest line to cross.

While your friend obviously means well , she really can not possibly know your Dh that well , or what he would or would not do. Your friend is grossly minimizing it.

Russianfudge Thu 13-Mar-14 08:08:01

I think also that friends prefer not to believe because when couples around you start cheating/ splitting it is very unsettling. It's much nicer to think that your friends husband who you trusted hasn't cheated because, well, if it happened to her it could happen to you.

I do t think your friend would be calculated but I think we all fall in to this trap and it's not helpful when a person is trying to trust their instincts.

Lucylloyd13 Thu 13-Mar-14 08:37:43

Being married does not mean that we will never be attracted to others or that others will not be attracted tous. It des mean not doing anything about it when it happens.

I don't think the emails are evidence of infidelity, just of that potential.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 13-Mar-14 09:01:43

I'm another one who has had to almost comfort people who have been so shocked and upset when I've told them what my ex did. They simply couldn't believe it. Double checked I was talking about the same person!

I feel very worried about this op. My bet is that something happened 2 years ago (and I don't mean just a kiss) and that, for one reason or other, they ended it. But reluctantly.

What are you planning to do. I feel for you I really do. This really is a head fuck

GarlicMarchHare Thu 13-Mar-14 13:43:47

I'm another one who has had to almost comfort people who have been so shocked and upset when I've told them what my ex did

Me, too, and it was serious emotional/financial/sexual abuse. If they can't or won't see that in a person, then naturally they won't see infidelity, which is usually better hidden.

Russianfudge Thu 13-Mar-14 16:10:54

Lucylloyd everyone's perception of what infidelity is is different - for me, finding someone else attractive, looking at them and fantasising very occasionally is not. Continually emailing another person who you are attracted to, pursuing them, asking friends to invite them to places you'll be, kissing them and telling them they are wonderful for seven years.. Is.

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