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(6 Posts)
Thetallestsunflower Wed 05-Mar-14 22:04:50

Hi there:
I am a single mum. Although I am not divorced, I have been living separately from my EA, bipolar ex husband for about 21 months.
For the last year I have been on and off dating sites. I seem to get to 3 or 4 dates with most of them and then I either call it off or ignore their messages.
I think part of this is fear of losing my freedom if I get involved with someone. The secondly its fear of becoming intimate with someone again. Sex with my ex was not enjoyable to say the least and 'the act' was just yet another chore I had to do. Therefore when we split I was so relived not to have to grit my teeth and get on with it again and to have a nice big bed to myself.
I like the idea of having a man in my life-but as soon as the suggestion of intimacy comes along I freak out. I come across confident-I am a size 8 and wear clothes which may be deemed revealing like leggings, skinny jeans and short skirts and am friendly and out going but its all an act really.

livingzuid Thu 06-Mar-14 02:18:51

Have you had any counselling to go through and help heal after what you experienced? I would recommend it as it will help you identify patterns of behaviour and help restore your self esteem. You need to love yourself before others can do the same smile

There is no harm in dating people and you absolutely do not have to feel as if you're going to sleep with them. When the right man comes along you will want to rather than feel obliged.

livingzuid Thu 06-Mar-14 02:22:36

Gaaah phone pressed send too soon. Don't feel any pressure to do anything you aren't comfortable with essentially. If you aren't staying in touch with guys after 4 or 5 dates then they aren't the right ones for you.

Theoldhag Thu 06-Mar-14 07:48:53

I second living's post, counselling can be accessed via your gp or privately, if privately then check out the BACP website for a list of counsellors in your area.

I would also advise doing the 'freedom program' as your last relationship was EA.

When you do date, keep it light and only ever progress at your own speed, listen to your instinct and watch out for 'red flag' behaviours.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Mar-14 08:25:55

There's nothing really wrong with just wanting companionship rather than sex. What you may find is that, rather than 'dating' which is a pretty loaded set-up with lots of unspoken expectations & a certain pressure that sex is in the mix, you'd be better off simply making more male friends in a platonic sense. Eventually, human nature being what it is, one of these friends will become something more and it will feel natural.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 06-Mar-14 10:16:30

Agree with what's already been said. Also maybe 1:1 dating is too much at the moment, maybe consider something sociable like an "adventure, sports & social" organisation with an emphasis on meeting people for events, activities or even holidays.

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