Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Not sure how much longer I can take this...

(40 Posts)
EverythingsDozy Wed 05-Mar-14 15:44:09

I caught my DH in my bed with another woman on NYE. He's told me he's in love with the OW and won't be coming home, he wants a divorce. There was absolutely no signs that he wanted to leave, I was absolutely gobsmacked. He wasn't acting different at all leading up to this, everyone was shocked and thinks he's going through a midlife crisis, albeit very young! Nobody saw this coming, he's always been so devoted to me and the kids.
He's left me single with two young children. I'm now stuck on benefits because I have no source of income, which I hate.
I just want the stupid idiot to come home. I miss him so badly. The thought of a divorce fills me with dread, I can't bear it. I don't know how much longer I can cope in this situation. CMO phoned today to let me know how much he should be paying towards the children but it just seems so final. I don't want him to be paying maintenance, I want him home!
How am I meant to go on without him? I find myself crying all the time. How can he love her after such a short time but treat me, the woman he's been with for 10 years, the mother of his children, like a piece of trash? I feel like I've been stomped on, screwed up and discarded like nothing.
It's our two year wedding anniversary in a few weeks time. I just can't believe that less than two years ago, we were so happy and he promised to love me forever. I can't believe things could have changed in such a short time.
I love him so much. How can I get over him?? Every day I live in hope that he will come home.

dollius Wed 05-Mar-14 15:51:04

Bloody hell. What were the circumstances that led up to him being in the marital bed with someone else on NYE???
I'm sorry, but how can you possibly forgive such a massive betrayal of trust/disrespect?
It might seem daunting now, but you are better off without being chained to such a total scumbag.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 05-Mar-14 15:55:05

Oh bless you, what a horrible thing to have happened.

You don't want him back because it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be the same relationship. No trust, he's cheated. You need to give it time. You've every right to be upset, he's destroyed your world.

Does he have contact with the kids?

thanks

LaurieFairyCake Wed 05-Mar-14 15:57:04

Start by changing the question.

Why would you want someone back who can treat you so badly?

Do you not deserve better treatment?

Are you so awful as a human being that it's ok to shite on you from a great height?

If you're actually a Nazi who microwaves sea horses for fun then just maybe you deserve people to leave you - but I'm guessing you're not and that he's just the standard turd.

Do whatever it takes to build your self esteem and move on - focus solely on self, do things for you. Stay away from the turd smile

livingzuid Wed 05-Mar-14 16:00:31

dozy I'm so sorry to read this. You've had a terrible shock. Please give yourself time and space to recover. It will take time. Do you have support in rl? It may be a bit too early but do consider counselling at some point.

You deserve better than someone who would do this to you. thanks

BitOutOfPractice Wed 05-Mar-14 16:04:44

Oh no OP how awful for you. I'm so sorry that this arsehole is putting you through this

I hope I don't sound too harsh but you have to face the fact that he's not coming back. Until you accept that you will never start to make peace with yourself, to move forward and to heal.

I know that sounds glib and easier said than done because I also know just how agonising a broken heart can be.

EverythingsDozy Wed 05-Mar-14 16:14:18

I was 13 when we got together (now 24), he is all I've ever known.
It is a woman (20 years old) from his work (ikea if anyone wants to go and spit on them for me!!) who was pursuing him for a while, spinning him a sob story, wanting to take my children to the soft play area etc. I told him to stay away from her as I knew what she was after but he reassured me that there was nothing going on and nothing ever would.

He has, not in so many words, told me that it's my fault. I never listened to him when he tried telling me he was unhappy. I honest to god don't recall him EVER trying to tell me he wasn't happy. I have depression and am struggling to see past my own problems, never mind someone else's. He used to tell me he was unhappy at work so I encouraged him to get a different job, would look for jobs for him, but he wouldn't make any effort to get one. I did push him into the job at ikea though, and look where that got me. He said he couldn't talk to me but I don't think he ever tried. He certainly didn't tell me he was falling in love with this girl, it never seemed as though he was.
11 days before he left, he bought me a two year phone contract. Why did he do this?! Of course I didn't think he was going to leave!!

I really think we can be stronger from this. I think there is something worth salvaging, I think we can repair this but he doesn't (as far as I know, I haven't spoken to him).

He sees the children every other weekend, his mum picks them up Saturday and drop them off on Sunday. He hasn't given me a penny since just after he left (£100 of the £400 tax credits that went into his bank account, he paid bills with the rest).

Snugglesrock Wed 05-Mar-14 16:14:36

Hey been there done that got the t shirt

I don't want to sound at all flippant but there are many of us around and we comfort each other well. Partic on here. I'm over two years in and can honestly say I'm so much better off.

I've had to sacrifice a lot along the way and that still hurts. I beg you not to take him back however you feel. It's just not worth it. Def get the maintenance and use it well.

How old are your dc?
Do you have help in rl?

Massive hugs Hun it's still early days

Jan45 Wed 05-Mar-14 16:31:33

Stop blaming yourself, we all go through ups and downs and feel depressed at times, that doesn't give anyone the right to go and cheat and he sounds like he's done it as callously as possible.

You will be fine financially without him, he will have to support his kids whether he likes it or not. He's hardly been supportive in that respect has he since you discovered his sordid little affair. I would guess, give it six months and he'll be back to you, after realising that having sex on the sly isn't as exciting.

Honestly, give yourself time, you think now you want him, I think you might feel completely differently in a few weeks time. Surround yourself with lots of RL support and try and keep busy, good luck.

dollius Wed 05-Mar-14 16:31:45

He's kept the tax credits that are meant for the family?
This man is pure scum. Have you told his mum about that??
She should be utterly ashamed of him and telling him to hand that money over to you.
What a loser he is.
And what the hell was he doing with another woman in your bed on NYE?? For the life of me, I cannot fathom how that might have come about.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 05-Mar-14 16:36:48

What a nasty piece of work. Is he foisting the DCs on to MIL or actually spending time with them at all? Whatever, it gives you a few hours to yourself. If he gets this gf pregnant I doubt he'll bother even with the EOW arrangement. For now he will be thinking he is off the leash, free to do as he wants, even as you mourn your marriage.

I very much hope you don't beg him to come back. Salvaging something isn't achievable when only one person is sincere. With your anniversary looming you may feel extra vulnerable. If he turns up it may be tempting to either throw something at him or get him into bed. It will only end up with you hurt again for letting him use you for sex whilst he's getting it from her. He sounds callous and self-centred, off with the old, on with the new.

EverythingsDozy Wed 05-Mar-14 16:47:08

I know people think this and I probably would too if it was someone else but I really don't think this is him. I know him better than anyone. If he thinks he loves her then he thinks he does (even if no one else does!!).
This is totally out of character, no one can understand it. He's normally a good guy!
His mum picks them up because I can't bear to see him. He's told me he wants to see them more often but I don't want him to. They're quite settled as they are, he has no where to take them so I've said no. He's told me that he will take the kids full time and I can go back and live with my mum, I told him no.
His mum knows he took the £300. Bills came out of his bank account the day the tax credits came in so it was all he had left. His mum told me that I shouldn't get CMO involved because I get money from the government to pay for the kids and he can't afford to give me anything!!! I couldn't actually believe she said this to me, this was before she was on my side (she's not on either side at the moment I don't think. I wouldn't know, she is like a switch and I'm constantly on edge because of it).
I told him I was selling his stuff to pay me back the £300 but he was really mean when I suggested it, not like he has tried to pay me back any other way.

I just can't believe this is the man I knew. The man I married. It isn't him at all. I keep saying it would be easier if we lived in a world of magic and spells because that's what it's like. Like he's had a spell cast on him.

Jan45 Wed 05-Mar-14 16:52:33

Sorry OP but every woman says exactly the same when they find out they are with a cheat and a liar cos that's what he is, fact.

He doesn't seem to give much of a shit about how you are managing financially either, struggling to see what you want back after this. He'll be infatuated with her at the moment but as I've said, once the shine has worn off and there's no need to sneak about, he'll no doubt come back to you asking for another chance, hopefully by then you will have recovered and picked up your self esteem in order to tell him to bolt.

I don't see him possessing any morals or obligation whatsoever.

EverythingsDozy Wed 05-Mar-14 16:54:05

On the 29th dec he told me he wanted space, wanted some time to himself, wasn't feeling happy. I told him he could have space, he should get himself to the doctors if he wasn't happy as depression runs in his family. He told me he definitely wasn't thinking of moving out or getting a divorce (after I had asked him).
The night of the 29th I slept on the couch because he was being really cold to me, although that day he had been fine up until he said he wanted space.
The day of the 30th, he went to work and I took the children to stay at my mums. I went home on the 31st at about 11am and her car was on the drive and he ran downstairs in his underwear, she had slept in my bed that night.

Mintymoomoo Wed 05-Mar-14 16:57:34

Have you contacted tax credits to let them now you are no single and to give them your bank details? If not you need to so this now, this money is to support your children with not him and the ow

Jan45 Wed 05-Mar-14 16:58:55

You need to get angry OP and take him for every penny you can, your kids will need it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 05-Mar-14 17:03:01

Think of MIL as the DCs' taxi, don't divulge anything to her.

Hope your mum and friends have been there for you amidst all this.

livingzuid Wed 05-Mar-14 17:04:11

Do not let him screw you financially as well. I'm shock at the tax credits.

What his mother may or may not think is neither here nor there it is none of her business. Do not allow her to sway you with a sob story over cash for her cheating son.

The advice to contact tax credits and tell them you are separated is an excellent one. I don't know if you can legally sell his stuff although I don't blame you for wanting to do so and if you need to feed your children then you raise the money how you can given he took 300 from the account.

He does not sound lovely or a good dad or worthy of your tears or affection. You can do better than this.

EverythingsDozy Wed 05-Mar-14 17:04:52

Yes thank you minty. I did that first of all because I knew the tax credits were due and hoped they might be able to cancel them and put them into mine but they couldn't.
I do have days where I feel great but not today, not recently. I have been upped a dose of antidepressants but they haven't worked as of yet.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 05-Mar-14 17:06:28

He's taking your tax credits??

OP you need to sort this out. Don't just hang around hoping he'll come back. Your kids are entitled to that money.

EverythingsDozy Wed 05-Mar-14 17:11:44

I was actually really shocked at his mums reaction because she had this happen to her when she was pregnant with my husbands older brother. I thought she would be all sympathy for me but she was quite cruel on that one occasion. I was hurt!

Jan45 Wed 05-Mar-14 17:15:12

His mum is always going to take her son's side, no matter what, stop confiding in her.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 05-Mar-14 17:34:24

It takes a long time to get over a shock as terrible as the one you've had OP, but you will get there eventually. I know it's tempting to think that if he just walked back through the door and said sorry, everything would be OK. But you're not going to get that option by the sound of it. He's behaving irresponsibly, immaturely and very cruelly... and there's nothing you can really do about that.

What you can do, however, is look out for #1 and your DCs. Park ideas of romantic love for a second, roll up your sleeves and start taking advice on how to come out of this mess, if not with your marriage intact, with your dignity intact and as much compensation as you can get.

Definitely stop talking to his mother. When the chips are down, no matter how crap a son has behaved, he's still her son and she'll be on his side. Work out who your real friends are, close ranks, get some really good legal and practical advice and then go for the separation.

Sorry you've had this nasty experience but one day you'll be grateful you found him and only wasted 2 years married to the little shit rather than 22.

struggling100 Wed 05-Mar-14 17:45:07

Oh, you poor love, what an awful shock. thanks

You were extremely young when you got together with him, and you're still so young now (at least compared to an old bid of 36 like me!). I imagine he was also quite young at the time? He is all you've ever known in terms of relationships, so this is a huge upheaval for you. I think that you are possibly grieving not for him (as Laurie said: 'Why would you want someone back who can treat you so badly?') but for the fact that you no longer have certainty in your life. A major plank of your family, and your own identity has gone, and you feel all at sea.

You WILL get through this, and my God, you will come out fighting and strong at the end of it! I know it is very tough now, but you are far more resilient than you are giving yourself credit for. You WILL handle whatever is thrown at you (and by the way I seriously recommend Susan Jeffers Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway for the anxiety). Gather round all friends and family that you can for support. Focus on your DC, and on keeping the ship stable at home. Be gentle to yourself. Get through a day at a time, and don't hesitate to come on here and vent if you need to!

chateauferret Wed 05-Mar-14 19:06:04

OP this is another monumental twat and an utter utter bastard. Nobody who's "a good guy really" could behave like this, even once.

Consider the message you're sending him if you beg him to come back. You're teaching him that it's ok to sleep around, lie, steal your money and use you as his domestic servant. And if he cheats he doesn't even have to apologise: you'll come running after him. Oh, and then there's the lesson your DC wi learn from it.

The only way to handle an arse like this is to kick him out, keep him out, chuck his stuff out, take him to the cleaners, and get on with your life while he drowns in his own shite. Good riddance; you deserve better.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now