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Mother controlling daughters finances end being EA

(6 Posts)
lesbican Wed 05-Mar-14 15:38:33

My colleague has told me several times that she has trouble with her mum. She lives at home, tried moving out last year and lasted about 6 months until she had to go back. She suffers terrible anxiety and is generally a massive panicker and "doormat" to her family. Her father is an alcoholic and picked her up from work drunk. Her mother takes her bank card off her on or before pay day every month and insists she owes her money. Her mum drip feeds small amounts of money to my colleague.

My colleague is on Citalopram and has resolved to drinking quite heavily. She cried at her desk today, she feels like she can't afford to move out and has trouble budgeting etc. I am at a loss of what to suggest for her? Any ideas? She is 23.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 05-Mar-14 17:52:48

She sounds like she needs some kind of outside intervention pretty urgently. The police domestic abuse team and Social Services might be interested in her case if she's a vulnerable adult being subjected to ill-treatment. (I'm thinking about the type of story where people are kept almost as slaves ... ) Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 are there for female victims of male abuse, and that could be a father just as much as a partner of course. Her GP might be useful. If she has anxiety problems and she's very frightened of as well as dependent on her parents she's not going to contact any of these people.

When a member of my family was suffering from a serious but undiagnosed mental health problem I contacted their GP directly about my concerns and asked them to send someone round to do an assessment. It's not exactly the same situation but maybe it would help if you alerted someone independently?

lookingfoxy Wed 05-Mar-14 22:20:11

Womens aid may be appropriate.

lesbican Thu 06-Mar-14 09:22:40

Thank you for the replies. I have suggested all of the above however she seems reluctant at the moment and is going to try a small bedsit somewhere. She has rang in sick today as too upset to come in, and had to stay at a friends house last night after doing overtime. I feel a bit helpless. If I had room at mine I would take her in but I only have a single persons 1 bedroom flat.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Mar-14 09:32:24

It was predictable that she'd be reluctant to get help. Good news that she's getting a bedsit however. I think all you can reasonably do is support and encourage her to carry through that plan and stick with living independently.

twizzleship Thu 06-Mar-14 21:47:11

the bedsit sounds like a good idea - small, easy to maintain and cheap. it will give her an easier start to living independently. Perhaps you could help her with some firm suggestions - then it's up to her if/when she does them.

1st: She DOES NOT give her bank card to her mum. If she believes that she does owe her mum money then SHE decides how much she pays back each month.
2nd: View some bedsits and the area, find out what/how much she will be paying
3rd: Sign a lease, set a moving date,organise transport - and move out.

When i was first thrust into the big bad world all i knew was that i had to pay rent and utilities to live independently. Having lived a very cloistered life things like council tax,how utiliies are billed,having access to my own money and working out a budget for food/travel/spends etc was all foreign to me. I had no one to turn to for advice who wouldn't have laughed at me for not knowing 'such simple everyday things', and nowhere to go but the streets if it didn't work out but somehow i survived. So i can imagine how scared she's feeling, how vulnerable and completely lost because the support networks that should be there for her are working against her.

Definitely put her in touch with the support networks out there that have been mentioned by other posters, and if you can (because it can be emotionally and mentally exhausting) do what you can to help her with the above steps.

she will do it but she will need some help - from professionals and friends.

i wish you both luck smile

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