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Depression and shallow things.. Support needed please!

(19 Posts)
LostAndNeedy Tue 04-Mar-14 22:21:27

I'm looking for some moral support here. Please tell me I'll find the strength to push through this.
I know some of you will find this shallow, or even wrong.. But It's important to me and so is my best friend...

When I first met my DP, we had a LOT of sex.. Like being teenagers, every night we were together..
As time passed (we've been together for a few years now), it inevitably slowed some. I'm happy with that - it's natural, It's how it goes..


In the last few months, my DP and I have fallen into depression. It's something I understand from a personal perspective - but not from the outside.
When I'm depressed, I look to closeness from my partner.

But my DP has lost all interest. Completely.
They are not interested in sex to the point that even cuddling annoys them.

I feel guilty if I try and bring it up
Just as bad is knowing that it's a definite rejection before I start... It well.. It really hurts.

I've tried backing off completely and that just lead to us doing nothing AND not talking about it.

I've tried to involve them in other ways, but that didn't work (almost hilariously backfiring (PERSONAL: no drip feed on this bit!!! ;) ))

When I do try and talk about it, it annoys them and they immediately change the subject.

Please.. I need to hear that It'll be ok.
They are my rock.
I've never been so in love, nor has anyone meant so much to me.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Tue 04-Mar-14 22:25:29

You say you have both fallen into depression. Do you mean clinical depression? Have you seen your GP? Have you been experiencing stressful life events?

I think there is hope.

LostAndNeedy Tue 04-Mar-14 22:47:43

DP has been diagnosed before with clinical depression.
I haven't, but fit the patterns, so it's a likely probability.

And yes, we've both been through the wringer..

CailinDana Tue 04-Mar-14 23:10:22

You are both unwell. Sex isn't a priority, getting well is. Once you're both healthy again it's likely sex will naturally come back on the agenda. So what's the plan for that?

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Tue 04-Mar-14 23:33:38

So when your DP was depressed before, did he need to withdraw into himself physically, rather than need closeness as you do when feeling similarly? You want to comfort him, in the way you would want to be comforted. It's hard sad

LostAndNeedy Wed 05-Mar-14 00:45:46

Yes. DP withdrew into themselves the last time.
It was before me, but they pretty much cut themselves off from humanity completely.
Yes. I want to comfort in the way I want to be comforted, I couldn't put it better myself.

I know sex isn't a priority and I'm in for the long haul here,
But.... It's a part of the mechanism I use to cope.

I appreciate this may sound alien to some, maybe even weird... But when I'm down, I crave physical attention... It's so deep a need, that it can feel overwhelming.
Although I honestly think they wouldn't care at all if I did, there is no danger of me being with someone else either..
It's VERY specifically the DP I need. I suppose that ties into the comfort/comforted part as well.

nerofiend Wed 05-Mar-14 10:51:02

I completely understand your need for physical contact when depressed as I experience that crave to be close to someone when down.

However, I think more important than sex or physical contact is to understand the root of your and your partner depression. Is it to do with the relationship, with family, with work?

There's obviously something not quite right and my experience is that most of the time it's to do with some kind of real or psychological loss.

Talking to your GO and arranging counselling for both might be the first step. You both need to address the depression in both of you to be able to move forward and enjoy sex like you once did.

nerofiend Wed 05-Mar-14 10:52:07

Sorry meant GP

LostAndNeedy Wed 05-Mar-14 14:35:26

Hi Nero thank you for telling me I'm not alone.. I was starting to worry that I'm some sort of weird sex freak.

We both know (and have discussed) that we are depressed, but going to the GP is such a final step...

I know I could get through this, if I had the intimacy I so (selfishly) need.
It's difficult because I will always be second in this.. A lack of desire (quite rightly) always wins over strong desire..
And knowing that I'm doing the right thing, doesn't make it any easier, or me feel less... Dirty.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 05-Mar-14 15:09:09

going to the GP is such a final step

It's actually a first step: initiating a process that you will help you cope and get better.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Wed 05-Mar-14 15:20:07

Why dirty?

Many people with depression are hesitant to go to their GP about it. And if they are prescribed ADs, they are hesitant to take them. However, meds can make the difference which allows coping with the shit stuff life has thrown at you, so that you can get out of the place you were in. This is why a short course of ADs can be v effective.

Some ADs take time to kick in - often several weeks. And some people (not all) have side effects at the start. There is plenty of support from lovely folk on the Mental Health Board, eg the Village thread.

Can you explain that you understand that DP needs space, and that, for similar reasons, you need a hug if he can offer it. Then have one hug a day? I know it wouldn't be much?

theresnomewithoutyou Wed 05-Mar-14 15:30:04

These is an assumption that your DP is male. You have gone to great lengths to have keep your info genderless. I think any advice given would be the same regardless of gender. GP and possibly counselling. You have opposite problems together. Your partner doesn't want sex. You do. You are not second because if your partner had sex simply because you wanted it, they would be second. You need to look at your relationship as equals. Talk to each other and for gods sake go to the GP

LostAndNeedy Wed 05-Mar-14 16:45:13

Dirty, because, from a general point of view most wouldn't understand why I feel the way I do.. It's difficult to explain to someone who simply enjoys sex, why I feel the way I do.. It's a bit like society just expects that you can shelve feelings like this and carry on regardless...

And yes. I've deliberately kept this gender neutral.
If I'm a man, I'm being a typical man.
If I'm a woman, I'm acting in an unladylike way..

Again, this us simply because of how I feel society would judge me.. So I'm choosing to keep this out of the equation..
I don't think any person's feelings are more or less valid based on their sex and I'm glad you seem to be confirming that.

TheShimmeringPussycat Wed 05-Mar-14 17:46:37

Is that normal for you, OP? When I was hypomanic I was also hyersexual - a very uncomfortable feeling like constantly being on heat, which I would not wish on anyone.

I just put 'he' for convenience, not really assuming anything, just partially associating with you, OP, and reflectling that my experience comes from a heterosexual woman.

TheShimmeringPussycat Wed 05-Mar-14 17:47:02

(n/c from TAC)

LostAndNeedy Wed 05-Mar-14 17:52:56

Yes, my sex drive is definitely higher than most of my friends seem to be, but this wasn't a problem.. My DO was just the same...

But now we've gone different ways.

And yes.. It's uncomfortable. I know exactly what you mean when you say you're permanently in heat..

Just an inadvertent touch or thought can send me crazy for an hour or two... :-(

LostAndNeedy Wed 05-Mar-14 17:53:23

DP not do

Finola1step Wed 05-Mar-14 17:56:29

Lost a pp described going to see your GP as "the first step" not "the final step". This is excellent advice. I really think you should follow it.

LostAndNeedy Wed 05-Mar-14 21:36:36

Hi Finola (like what you did with the name there)..
I meant to post earlier.. I know that it's excellent advice and I will.. But circumstances dictate that's not going to be right now.

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