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Should I stay or should I go?

(16 Posts)
Anne51 Tue 04-Mar-14 19:53:43

Married 20 years. 4 dc's. 51 and attractive (so I am told daily) dh is a good man, has always worked hard to provide for us. I am a home maker and happy to be so.
Problem is, for 6 years we have had no sex life. I know there is no one else, however it leaves me feeling hurt and detached.
Should I just accept it. But I have needs.

Lavenderhoney Tue 04-Mar-14 20:22:01

Why have you waited 6 years? And why now are you questioning it?

Is it a medical reason or does he say he doesn't want to? What's his excuse been?

It must be horrible for you and a lifetime of enforced celibacy is not attractive. Do you still fancy him? Or has that gone now?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 04-Mar-14 20:26:23

Has he had a weight problem, impotence issue?

Anne51 Tue 04-Mar-14 20:30:45

I have been so distracted bringing up 4 children. I have asked him several times. Even asked if he was gay. His response has always been dismissive. Clearly will not talk about it. I do still find him sexually attractive but have resigned myself to the fact that it is just not what he wants. He is a good provider, we never row but there is absolutely no connection sexually or mentally. It's so hard

LEMmingaround Tue 04-Mar-14 20:35:48

is he older than you?

Lavenderhoney Tue 04-Mar-14 20:44:44

What's he like with the dc and sharing parental duties?

I do understand a bit, as it was only when my dc were finally all at school I suddenly had time to realise what an absolute tosser my dh was. So I can see that realising he isn't providing attention, like basic attention or sex can slip under the radar.

Being a good provider isn't enough for either of you surely?

If he won't talk about it then you have to think to yourself if it doesn't go away then what? A life of no cuddles, no sex, no kissing.. So clearly you a aren't getting any, so is he? Does he like being celibate?

Does he stay up late on the pc, go out without you? And do you ever go out with friends? Or together?

If he won't talk, then you can talk to him anyway. He doesn't have to answer. You can say " in all seriousness, I don't want to spend my life like this. So we talk and try to sort it or we split amicably, and try to find someone for ourselves/ remain single than in this sexless life"

Anne51 Tue 04-Mar-14 21:13:43

Lemming round. No we are the same age.
Lavender honey - absolutely fantastic with kids. My hubby is a catholic and I have no doubt or worries that he is getting it elsewhere. He never goes out with his mates and is always home and happy to be so. He does all the food shopping, picks and drops kids when necessary and cooks on a weekend. In many ways he is the perfect husband. Just lacking intimacy ????

Anne51 Tue 04-Mar-14 21:16:17

Donkeynontridebycyles - no very fit and always has been

Lavenderhoney Tue 04-Mar-14 21:21:22

So what's changed to make you think 6 years!?

Anne51 Tue 04-Mar-14 21:35:09

Don't know. Accepted it for many years without realising it was a problem. Maybe I have just been too pre-ocupied

FetchezLaVache Tue 04-Mar-14 21:37:07

So who is telling you daily that you are attractive and is this person a factor in your questioning the lack of intimacy at home?

BitOutOfPractice Wed 05-Mar-14 00:08:04

The thing that stood out to me is that you have no mental connction either...doesn't bode well

BitOutOfPractice Wed 05-Mar-14 00:08:33

And what his partricular brand of relaigion has to do with it I don't know!

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 05-Mar-14 07:14:30

Maybe he's got tired/resentful of being a 'good provider'?

If you still fancy him... Which you say you do... What happens if you try to initiate sex? Do you try? Maybe that he is thinking it's you that doesn't want to?

Asking him if he is gay may have hurt his feelings or made him feel put down etc? It sounds quite blunt - I'm not sure how you asked him but if it was accusing it may have shocked/humiliated him?

Sometimes people can be attractive but their partner doesn't fancy them etc - has there ever been a time he's really fancied you?

Don't stay just because of him being a provider (there's something v old fashioned about that turn of phrase I don't like) etc, that's not fair on either of you.

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 05-Mar-14 07:36:31

But to answer your initial question, you should go I suppose if you want sex and he doesn't. I can't help but feel a bit sorry for him - seems like he works hard and helps out and is a good dad. Not going out with friends etc - doesn't sound like much fun for either of you. Do you go out on date nights or anything?

I suspect he does want sex - and that there just needs to be some communication here.

Good luck OP x

forevermore Thu 06-Mar-14 20:40:25

Can I ask. If you could turn back the clock six years what would you have done differently knowing what you know now. And can you do anything similarly effective now?

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