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Who's selfish & lazy??

(32 Posts)
Mummymommy Tue 04-Mar-14 15:38:29

This Year marks 10 years of Marriage. Happy? That's a topic for discussion on another day. Anyway, more than nine years later, we've had two little boys (older one with special needs and praying little one will be ok - still too young to tell). I love my boys, they keep me going and give me a reason to get up and do what I need to do.
My husband? Now him I believe I have come to hate! Years of bitterness gave way to despise and finally I feel I actually hate the man! We started having problems early in our relationship and despite suggestions to see a counsellor, he has repeatedly refused and evaded this or kept saying we can work things out ourselves which never happens. He is quite outspoken and can argue his corner while I am not very good at expressing myself clearly. My biggest problem is keeping things bottled up (to avoid trouble) and then saying things in anger when I can't take it any more.
For years my husband called me lazy and selfish and this always hurt a lot considering that I went back to work full time after my maternity leave following our first child. I would get home from work and have to deal with a baby, and all the cooking cleaning, etc. (He doesn't do housework.)
I am currently on an extended leave taking care of our two boys and my husband works full time. He is very fortunate in that his work is very flexible and he can work from home, go in earlier or late and work for longer etc. The problem is this - my husband is always on the computer! Ever since we started living together as husband and wife he has always been on the computer every waking minute! At first it was study then creating websites, reading the news etc. I would go to bed and leave him sat at the computer and wake up the following morning find him there (if he ever came to bed, it would be the first thing he did in the morning), leave for work and come back to find him still at the computer.
Years later I have had all manner of resolutions and promises to cut back but these never last. It has always been like I (and now the boys, come second). He will leave the computer for a few mins to play with the boys or do something else but there is always an excuse to go back and check something and then he will be off typing and this can go on for an hour before he realises.
Anyway, he says technology is his hobby and well, most people have hobbies we just don't get so involved and leave out everything else (including personal hygiene). There is always something pending that needs to have been done and I have come to a point where I try not to ask, I just do it if I can.
Now, I appreciate he has a demanding job but then who doesn't and I believe a little time management, proper prioritisation and organisation is all that's needed, But no, he chooses to chat with his friends on the web forums, almost all night long, use every excuse to remain at home in the morning so he can do his own stuff then go to work in the afternoon (when I have both boys) and not come home till after 10 at night and the cycle continues. He is forever going on about how busy he is and will go to the office on a Sunday, apparently to catch up.
Every year comes with a new time wasting project and to be honest I am fed up!

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 04-Mar-14 15:42:48

Before you get a load of is he cheating/is he a gambling addict responses - just wanted to say that the fact he belittles you running the home is a big worry... as well as the computer.

I live with an iPad/phone freak as well (techie head) and it's annoying. But as long as it's nothing sinister it's an annoying habit rather than anything really serious. Tell him to put it away sometimes, and sometimes ignore it... have you tried that? As a compromise.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 04-Mar-14 15:46:53

PS Not surprised you're fed up though. Really hope things improve. The personal hygiene reference was worrying as well...

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Mar-14 15:51:37

If you're fed up and can't take it any more, if you're unhappy and you hate the man, rather than cataloguing what's wrong how about doing a bit of research into restarting your life independently with your DCs? Some solicitors offer free initial consultations in which you can find out a lot about rights and responsibilities post divorce. There are other agencies that you can get information from. One you know where you stand it may give you the confidence to express yourself more clearly and get Mr Smelly (no personal hygiene... confused ) to either take you seriously or get out of your life.

Mummymommy Tue 04-Mar-14 16:55:12

Believe you me I have talked about it countless times and tried to ignore it but all I get are promises to do better, or it's a hobby , he is allowed his time - it could be worse or change that lasts no more than two days! at times he says he needs help but never does anything about it! True, quite annoying. and oh, I didn't mention that this computer is always locked (password protected) when not in use, even if it's for five minutes. I do not suspect foul play but do worry.

Mummymommy Tue 04-Mar-14 16:58:22

@ CogitoErgoSometimes, wish it was that simple. I do not wish to go the Divorce way (and btw, I know all about it, thanks.) I believe our issues can be resolved if only we get to talk to someone or at least give it a try! The main issue is how to get him to agree to this.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 04-Mar-14 16:58:23

He sounds a bit obsessed with the computer... a bit OCD! Oh dear.

Is there anything you still like/enjoy about him/the relationship? What's he like on holiday for example? x

lynniep Tue 04-Mar-14 17:06:00

I'm no expert OP, but I've been a mnetter for years and years so I know the responses and I'll give you mine....I doubt you'll get him to agree to talk to someone. He can't see that there's anything wrong. He lives his life in the way he wants to and sod the rest of you. He actively avoids caring for his children. He actively avoids you. He doesn't do housework. He's clearly got secrets or he wouldn't disappear 'to the office' or lock his computer whenever he leaves the room. He might be addicted to the computer but honestly, I think that in general he is a selfish pig with no consideration for his family. Sorry you don't feel that its an option to LtB.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 04-Mar-14 17:14:01

You say you hate and despise your husband (not his behaviour, specifically him) and that you have been unhappy for the majority of your marriage, yet you get all defensive when cognito suggested you might part. Why is that op?

Fwiw your DH sounds like a self absorbed lazy arse

comicsansisevil Tue 04-Mar-14 17:16:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 Tue 04-Mar-14 17:18:25

That's not a hobby, that's an obsession and yes, I would seriously be checking what the hell he is doing on it - something is engrossing him far more than his own family.

What is the actual point of him being there, he does feck all apart from entertain himself, with god knows what.

Jan45 Tue 04-Mar-14 17:21:01

Just read the comp is always locked even if he's away for five minutes, so he is deliberately making sure you don't see what it is that is taking him away from you all the time, and you don't suspect any foul play, seriously....confused

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 04-Mar-14 17:31:43

You're living separate lives. What do you get out of this relationship?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Mar-14 17:52:02

"The main issue is how to get him to agree to this"

The only way you'll get him to agree is by threatening his cosy existence and shaking him out of his complacency. If you've already spoken to a solicitor use the information to your advantage. Otherwise, if he knows you 'won't go the divorce way', you've got bupkis and he'll keep taking the piss.... But I expect you know that already as well. hmm

MadBusLady Tue 04-Mar-14 18:41:33

You are seriously going to try and tackle your own hatred of someone who called you lazy and selfish for years and now ignores you altogether by going to counselling with them (except that they won't go)?

This sounds like a complete waste of your life TBH.

Bogeyface Tue 04-Mar-14 18:44:37

He doesnt want to change and he wont change. 10 years have proved this.

He doesnt have any respect for you and you despise him.

Sorry but frankly I dont see that you have a marriage to save.

Bogeyface Tue 04-Mar-14 18:45:15

You can't do this on your own, and he doesnt want to, so ...... what now?

Well either you LTB or you put up and shut up, it really is that simple.

yourehavingalaugh Tue 04-Mar-14 18:45:23

How can you live with someone you 'hate?'

rainbowsmiles Tue 04-Mar-14 22:03:26

I can't really see what you can do. He won't change and won't go to counselling. You hate him. You resent and despise him - can't say I blame you, he sounds particularly loathsome.

What is your reason for staying together?

Mummymommy Tue 04-Mar-14 22:15:05 HATE is quite a strong word. Having read your comments and calmed down a bit and thought about things, I do NOT hate him but quite dislike him for what he does, how he chooses to live like a bachelor in a marriage and his unwillingness to try sort things by talking to someone. True you can't live with someone you hate.
What I do hate for sure is the blasted computer! I have been tempted to bash it to pieces countless times and what's stopped me is the fact that it would only mean more money and time spent on fixing it!(hmm)
I will not pretend to be without fault and my husband is also not entirely bad and we also have two beautiful boys to take care of. Divorce is definitely not an option for me due to various reasons (which may not make sense to you). I have decided to have a word with a friend he respects and hope that they will be able to talk to him...otherwise, time to shut up and put up? (I surely hope not!) Like someone mentioned I believe he needs a wake up call, what that is I do not know for sure....pretty confused....

Mmmbacon Tue 04-Mar-14 22:26:12

While you dont believe in divorce, how about a trial separation? Access at weekends plus 2 evenings a week , you may not need to even tell him about the "seperation" just organise something for you that you need to be out of the house for, can't back out off and requires him to step up? Sometimes just breaking the cycle is all that is needed,

rainbowsmiles Tue 04-Mar-14 22:26:25

That is so sad. You don't have to put up and shut up. I think the only thing which may work but probably not would be the realisation you will leave. He knows you will put up with anything and he is taking the piss.

Bogeyface Wed 05-Mar-14 00:43:56

I disagree that divorce is not an option, and I would suggest therapy to deal with whatever it is in your life that has led you to that point.

However, I do agree that sometimes "look what you lost" is the only way to make someone appreciate what they had and to want it again. But for that to work there shouldnt be a trial seperation, but a total seperation.

"I am leaving you. I am sick of the way you treat me. If you want me back then you know what to do, and I dont guarantee I will come back"

If he makes promises but doesnt follow through then you know he doesnt care enough. If he waves you goodbye then you know he doesnt care at all. If he begs you to stay and does everything he needs to,,,,,maybe.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 05-Mar-14 06:54:51

If you're confused, it's because you're assuming the problem stems from lack of awareness or understanding on his part. You think that if he simply saw things from your angle and appreciated how he made you feel he would change like <snap> and you'd have a husband instead of a miserable git attached to a computer screen. You're even starting to blame yourself with this 'I'm not perfect' routine. Talk about reinforcing the bars on your own cage... hmm Stop it.

He understands just fine. The problem is that he doesn't care. Or, more accurately, he doesn't think he needs to care. If he carries on in the same way and his friend has a nice chat to him, what actually happens? Answer... nothing at all. Or maybe a few more empty promises until the dust settles, again. You're still there keeping house, the kids are still there, the computer is still there, .... so where's the incentive to do anything different?

Only when he realises he risks losing something important will he - possibly - be motivated.

DarlingGrace Wed 05-Mar-14 06:56:30

My husband? Now him I believe I have come to hate! Years of bitterness gave way to despise and finally I feel I actually hate the man!

I didn't bother reading past this. There is no relationship left. Plan and move on.

Divorce is definitely not an option for me due to various reasons

Martyrdom is an equally unattractive equality. Well he wont change. So you have two choices really. Suck it up or leave.

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